I have survived my spouse who had dementia and have published a memoir called: Moving to the Center of the Bed: The Artful Creation of a Life Alone. It is about learning to find a new life albeit alone and has been a pathway for others struggling through grief and loss and trying to find their way. Please see my website: www.centerofthebed.com to preview the book or find it on Amazon.com. I know it will help.
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I've read and reviewed this book. It's interesting and is sure to please some and frustrate others (who have fewer financial options or differing views on togetherness). However, I did enjoy reading it and the author does show one path of finding a life alone.
Carol
I remember reading your review of my book and thinking that you dwelled too much on the fact that I did have some means at my disposal. My book is a memoir and as such the truth matters. What I continue to hear from hundreds of both women and men is that it has been a path to their own learning to live well alone. As for 'togetherness' I am thinking that you may believe that you have to be the direct 'care-giver' to do the best for your spouse. I do not believe that. What is the best care for our beloved spouses can only be determined by us alone. No one should ever judge another's decision as you seem to have done. I think your skewed review which did me and the book a disservice can be responsible for others not having a tool that might be of service. Why not let them decide for themselves?
Sheila
Hi Sheila,
I actually agree with you and in no way meant what I said as a negative. Because I moderate forums, write a newspaper column and do many other things with people who are caregivers, I am aware that many would not have had your choices. That is not to judge. You found the very best care for your husband possible. You also made the best choice for you and the rest of your family, and I do believe I was balanced in saying that. I certainly didn't mean to make you feel "judged."
Anyone who has followed me knows that five of my seven elders needed nursing home care, as I couldn't care for them all myself. I receive negative feedback, occasionally, because I used nursing home care. I state, emphatically and often, that each of us must make our own decisions based on personal circumstance.
I believe most of us will, over time, need the help of professionals, and sometimes the best help is not close to home. Your touching account of finding your husband wandering on a road, all alone, before you found a better place for his condition, was a good example of this.
I found your book a wonderful "read" and a good roadmap for many who are looking for ways to make a life for themselves apart from their loved one who has dementia.
Please accept my apologies, if you felt the review was negative. I tried to put forth that it's an excellent book and I enjoyed it, however it's more about making your own life than the actual caregiving for your much loved husband.
Even though your subtitle is quite clear, I was sure that because I did take time to review the book, many of my readers may have thought that the book was more about caregiving than it was, simply because caregivers are my largest audience. I tried to be clear as to the focus of your book, so they aren't mislead. I did consider not reviewing it for that reason, but it was too well done to pass up.
I, too, wrote a memoir, and a good memoir is about truth. You did a fine job and I'd buy the book in a flash.
Take care,
Carol
Hi, Carol,
And thank you for your kind reply. I am happy to have your clarification and to know some things that did not come across to me in your review. I think that what you posted after I wrote to this website yesterday would turn people away. So different from what you just wrote:
"I found your book a wonderful "read" and a good roadmap for many who are looking for ways to make a life for themselves apart from their loved one who has dementia. You did a fine job and I'd buy the book in a flash." If you care to post exactly that it would, I believe, change the way people might consider the book. But that is your call. We need to help each other as we move through the effects of this terrible disease that ruins so many lives. That's what I hoped to do with my book. I would love to read your memoir and will look for it.
Also, I am aware that people might have thought mine was a book about caregiving. There were so many books out there about caregiving. I wanted to help the survivor find a way back to life. And according to the letters I receive that's what the book is doing. Your help will help that continue.
Warmest regards,
Sheila