Re: A Holiday Dinner

By mardeux Tuesday, December 18, 2007

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"I saw a number of residents who were dining in their usual places because family members did not make the time to join them for this event."

Please don't be too quick to judge those of us who couldn't make time for the holiday dinner this year. Some of us are juggling the demands of a job and parenting our own children. I feel a twinge when I read this post and think that someone might feel that my Dad is not cared about. We have made many sacrifices for my father in the past, and will continue to do whatever we can to ensure that he is well taken care of. But sometimes we need to put our children first. We attended their school concerts last night, but will be there to see my dad, as usual, this weekend.

Comments (3) | Add comment

Sue

12/18/07 8:53pm

Thanks so much for your post.

I'm glad you spoke about this. It does seem we all need to be a better at judgement.

I do think the overall story had more to do with just being with our loved ones - at any time. To not get too caught up in what to do or say to just be with them.

I'm going to connect the original post here so people can see what posting you are referring too. And I'm certain Dorian will want to respond.

Thanks so much. All the Best, SMM

Dorian Martin, Health Guide

12/18/07 10:04pm

Hi, Mardeux,

I do appreciate your feedback on this. I completely understand that many families have other considerations - kids, jobs, etc. - that may make it difficult to be available for the holiday dinners at retirement communities that happen this time of year. And I do know that many family members do make time regularly to visit their loved one, although they can't make it to the special holiday events that are hosted during this very busy time of year.

What sparked my comments in this sharepost last year were conversations that I had with the nursing staff shortly before this event as well as additional conversations I had following the 2005 event. Both times, I happened to ask several nurses and nurse's aides on multiple shifts about whether certain residents who were alone during these events ever had visitors and whether family members were active in the lives of the residents. Not surprisingly, the nursing home staff could instantly tell me which family members had a presence and which did not.

For instance, several of the staff (on multiple shifts) independently told me about one adult son who would bring clothes and other necessities for his mother who had dementia, but who would always arrange to drop off these supplies with the nurse outside the locked door of the secure unit. The son refused to go in and see his mother when he dropped the items off; in fact, that staff told me that he never came to see her, even when she had medical issues -- even though she asked for him often. At times, he didn't even respond to the nurse's phone calls, even though he was the main caregiver. I don't know what their relationship was like as mother/child, or what other factors might be influencing his behavior. But I was tremendously saddened to see this woman (who in all my interactions with her, seemed to be very polite, kind and caring) sitting alone that night when many residents were enjoying the holiday season with their families. That tale was one of the main ones that informed my thoughts for the sharepost.

So my apologies to you and other families who are there for their loved ones regularly, even if they can't be there for specific holiday events, if my sharepost wasn't as clear as it should be. This sharepost wasn't meant to be critical of your important efforts in balancing all the factors in your life with the needs of your loved one.

Take care - and enjoy your time with your father this weekend!

Dorian

AFA Social Services Team, Health Guide

12/21/07 1:36pm

It is truly wonderful when family members can make the time to visit a loved one in a nursing home on the holidays. Seeing other residents who have no visitors can evoke strong feelings in the best of us, but it is important to keep in mind that there are all kinds of extenuating circumstances that may prevent some families from visiting.

While nothing can replace the presence of visits from loved ones, there are ways to make the holidays easier for residents whose families are unable to visit. A visit before the actual holiday is a great opportunity for families to put up some decorations in their loved one's room. A treasured ornament or ritual item from your loved one's past will not only look beautiful but may bring back some fond memories. Remember to check with the nurse or social worker on the unit to make sure that the decorations you select are appropriate (e.g., no small items that someone would be tempted to put in his or her mouth). Photos of family members can be placed around your relative's room, and gifts to be opened on the actual holiday can be left with a staff member who can make sure your loved one receives them. A phone call...hearing the voices of family members on a holiday can also bring a tremendous amount of joy to residents.

Another idea is to bring your loved one home for the holidays. if feasible. You would need to make arrangements in advance with the facility. Finally, keep in mind that although nursing homes generally operate with limited staff on major holidays, special dinners and parties are generally planned for all residents so that no one is left alone.

Re: A Holiday Dinner

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