transition to assisted living

Stage 5 Alzheimer

mom'sbaby Community Member November 11, 2007
  • My mother started in 2000. She is 84 years old, and in a Memory Care Unit. It is very hard to accept this condition. I have cried all the way home each time I see her. She begs to go home. But, she has (0) short term memory. I want her in a safe envirorment, free from worry of trying to do everyday things she could no longer handle. My Mother had a will, and had everything covered. She listed her POA, Who She wanted to become Guardian if she became ill, Just Everything. There are four daughters. One daughter is in complete denial and it is terry up our whole family. Mother is happy where she is. But the one sister keeps going in and aggitating her. Telling her everyone else in the family are being mean to her. We are actually going to court over this. All I want to do is visit my mom.  Shouldn't her will executed 1996 hold up. Why would a sister who is in denial, get guardianship over the person my mothers stated she wanted in her will. Mother denied anything was wrong and is just now started getting any kind of medicine for this.  I have lost so much sleep. It is so stressfull,and tears you up to realize that your mother really is in this shape, but then when one person in your family makes the rest of the family feel like they are the devil It is overwelming. The doctors, hospital, nursing home have confirmed my mother is where she should be, but my sister just keeps going pushing to go to court. It is only going to waiste valuable money of my mothers for court costs that could be paying for her to stay in a facilty. Three Daughters just want to make sure mothers money & home go for her care, the other daughter is trying to take her out and preserve the money for herself.This sister will not take my mother into her home and take care of her.  It is horrible. I have cried this year just for the fact that we will not have my mom with me for the holidays. I have had Thanksgiving, Christmas Day with my mother for 43 years. This one sister is making things so hard, that no one can take my mother out of the facility.  What is a family to do when one member of the family puts this even more burden on them than just the desease?  It just seems rediculous to me to have to go to court when my mother prepared and had everything covered. Anyone else been through this? Any help?
20 Comments
  • Dorian Martin
    Health Guide
    Nov. 15, 2007

    Hi, Mom's Baby,

     

    I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. It sounds also like your older sister is trying to maintain the role of the leader of the siblings (which is an ingrained trait based on birth order), but is going the wrong way. (Note: I can say that about being the oldest since I'm that person in my own family and -...

    RHMLucky777

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    Hi, Mom's Baby,

     

    I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. It sounds also like your older sister is trying to maintain the role of the leader of the siblings (which is an ingrained trait based on birth order), but is going the wrong way. (Note: I can say that about being the oldest since I'm that person in my own family and - as my brother will attest - at times can get bossy.) You didn't say who was appointed guardian, but my guess is that it wasn't your older sister. So there may be hurt feelings that are playing into this as well.

     

    Have you and your other sisters had a heart-to-heart with this oldest sister? If not, I think it's time for a family conference. If you move that route, make sure that the other sisters are all in agreement of what the next steps are. Come up with an agenda and talk through all the points - your Mom's care, her financial situation, what it means to the family, what it will mean to the sister - with your other sisters prior to the meeting. If you can have a medical professional there or a family friend who she respects (a minister?) who will back ya'll up, get themt o the meeting. And then when you have the meeting, don't any of you (meaning the sisters) back down! (I say this because when I had to intervene in my mom's situation, I already had my brother and my cousin in my corner, so the three of us were able to put a lot of pressure on my father - who was in denial - to give in, which wasn't easy since Dad's a champion procrastinator and also was in a state of denial. By having an unbreakable team, our younger generation was able to take control. This resulted in Mom's diagnosis and eventual placement in the nursing home, which was better for her health and - in the long term - for my father's emotional state, as well.)

     

    As far as legal issues, I'm not sure what the laws are in Indiana. You may want to contact the state Alzheimer's Association and see if they can provide some information for you or at least point you in a direction.

     

    And I agree with SMM - stay positive (although I know it's hard). Take care of yourself! You can't afford to get run down in all of this and lose your own health. So be sure to make yourself as much a priority as you are making your mother.

     

    Take care! Stay in touch!

     

    Dorian

     

     

     

     

    • mom'sbaby
      Nov. 20, 2007

      Hi Dorian,

           It is nice when someone takes a minutes to listen. I think I am just looking my mind.  I am trying to get something going on to get my older sister just meet us for a family meeting at the nursing home. I do not actually think we will get anywhere but we are going to try. At this point, Mother sincerely doesn't...

      RHMLucky777

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      Hi Dorian,

           It is nice when someone takes a minutes to listen. I think I am just looking my mind.  I am trying to get something going on to get my older sister just meet us for a family meeting at the nursing home. I do not actually think we will get anywhere but we are going to try. At this point, Mother sincerely doesn't remember what she did today and needs to stay where she is. We tried to get our sister to talk with us, but she just didn't show up the last time. Can you tell me how she walked an attorney into a nursing home and had my mother sign paperwork to obtain him as her attorney.  She can not sign any finiancial papers or nothing for herself. What in the world is my sister thinking?  My twin sisters attorney for the guardianship is wanting me and my other sister to sign for financial responsibility in case mother's estate cannot pay all these attorneys.  Isn't that crazy.My oldest sister got another attorney to file for guardianship and said my twin sister could not do it. Then she went to another attorney and filed a new POA July of 2007,  We actually believe she did it when Mother was already in the nursing home. She had my mother sign papers when she knows she in incompetent.  All the judge has to do is look at the guardianship dates, and the doctors reports dated before that.  The litigation doctor said my sister has so many attorneys involved he is concerned that mother's estate will not be able to pay all of them. What happens if my sister keeps going on and goes through all her money?  Then will be able to get her on medicaid once my sister has blown it all on attorneys fees instead of letting it pay for her health care?  I have cried over Thanksgiving Day dinner. I have had dinner with my Mother for 42 years.  My mother at this point just wants to go with anyone who will tell her they will take her home.  It is really said. I feel I have already lost her. She he but she doesn't remember how much she loved her daughters.  I am just broken hearted! It is late,I just cant think about it any more.

      Mom's Baby feels a hundred years old! 

    • mom'sbaby
      Nov. 22, 2007

      Hi To you All,

      I am sorry for my last comment. I was way to stressed to be on a computer. I left out words, and I just want today to say, "Have a nice Thanksgiving to you all and I pray for peace of mind for you all and your families.  

       

      Mom's Baby    

       

       

       

    • Dorian Martin
      Health Guide
      Nov. 22, 2007

      Hi, Mom's Baby,

       

      Thank you so much for your note. However, I do want to say that all of your feelings are very justified; all members of your family are dealing with multiple major stressors that are brewing in this situation - your mom's care, health issues, the family dynamics, money (and on top of it all, lawyers).

       

      I've been doing a...

      RHMLucky777

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      Hi, Mom's Baby,

       

      Thank you so much for your note. However, I do want to say that all of your feelings are very justified; all members of your family are dealing with multiple major stressors that are brewing in this situation - your mom's care, health issues, the family dynamics, money (and on top of it all, lawyers).

       

      I've been doing a lot of thinking about your situation since I last jotted you a note. Here are my wishes for you and your family on Thanksgiving and for the rest of the holiday season:

      1. That everyone in your family finds a way to get to a point of mediation, ideally led by a respected person who is viewed as impartial and who won't take sides, as opposed to the oppositional views that come with having multiple lawyers involved in these critical discussions.

      2. That everyone in your family comes to agreement about what the most important goals are in the mediation process. If it were my family in this situation, these goals would include the short- and long-term quality of my mother's care and the long-term maintenance of family relationships (which would include maintaining each person's financial well-being).

      3. That during the mediation process, all the facts are provided by your mom's doctor(s), the nursing home staff, financial advisors, etc. and these are laid on the table for everyone to understand what the implications will be based on various decisions that could be made. By involving outside experts, this will enable everyone to see the real "big picture" instead of what they imagine is happening.

       4. That everyone's view point is heard with an open heart (even if it's something that others disagree with) and taken into consideration (including those of your sister, who I'm sure has some very valid comments to make).

      5. That everyone works together and is flexible in order to make the best decisions based on the mediation goals. That may mean that people on every side of this issue "gives in" to some of the wishes of the other side, but still maintains the overarching goal of caring for your mother and maintaining your family. Or it could mean that a new solution that hadn't been thought of emerges among the group.

       

      I hope that your family can figure out how to have these types of discussions. I am truly worried not only about  your mother, but the stress level that you and others in your family (including your sister) are experiencing. Taking caring of an aging parent who has Alzheimer's is stressful enough in itself. Please take the time this holiday season to figure out how to have these types of conversations and strengthen the bonds among your family members so that after your mom's gone (whether it's mentally or physically), you still have each other.

       

      Take care!

       

      Dorian

  • mom'sbaby
    Sep. 02, 2008

    I have not posted anything for quite a while. If you read all my comments, our entire family has been torn to pieces because one sister sill not accept my mother of 85 years has the alzheimer/dimentia. Mother was in a nursing home from August 22,2007 - January 28,2008.  She was doing just fine with the structured enviroment and her medicinces given to...

    RHMLucky777

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    I have not posted anything for quite a while. If you read all my comments, our entire family has been torn to pieces because one sister sill not accept my mother of 85 years has the alzheimer/dimentia. Mother was in a nursing home from August 22,2007 - January 28,2008.  She was doing just fine with the structured enviroment and her medicinces given to her by nurses. But My oldest sister wouldn't leave the other three sibblings alone. The three siblings finally gave into her, gave her guardianship over Mother with restrictions. She was to keep her were she medically needed to be. She also was to call and inform the other three siblings of any moves, any changes in her medical condition. The minute she got guardianship, she moved my Mom out of her good care to assisted living with no structure, no nurses, with a boyfriend dying of cancer January 28,2008.The guardian did not call any of the three sisters and inform us.  He passed away March 28,2008. She has left Mother all alone in a two bedroom apartment with no structure, no social help no medical help.  Of course we,, the other siblings have been out of our mine. Mother caught the microwave on fire. The fire department had to come. She just calls and begs us to come and get her. Of course now she has fallen laying in a floor who know how long in the floor.  My sister had been taken my Mom to the doctor for the last couple of weeks but would not inform the existing other three sisters what was going on. One sister went to get her on a Saturday, found that she had fallen, and she wasn't making any sense at all. She did inform my sister she did lay in the floor most of the night. They took her to hospital. Where She stayed from Sunday until Wednesday. Where they found she had COPD, She was also deheidrated.

    I feel my Mom has had a stroke. One day she talks about my dad that passed away in 1961 then the next day she talks of a boyfriend that passed in March of 2008 But this no emotion, She never cries. She just doesn't believe she doesn't rememeber. She cannot get out of bed on her own, They have tried her with a walker, and wheel chair. When she speaks her voice is so light you have a hard time hearing her. When my sister moved Mother out the best care she could get we were beside ourselves.

    We went and would bring her to our homes twice some times be with her three times a week. But she begged us not to leave her alone.  She called the place she stay in a jail. It was not safe. The front doors had automatic doors. I feel like, because my mother was left alone for so long she didn't know to drink, how to use a remote, usually the phone, what food was. Who or where do we get help?? I actually think Mother will only get so far in this rehab and the doctors will inform my oldest sister Mother cannot live alone in assisted living. She is the guardian. What do we do if she trys to move her and sit her in that apartment alone again. It has just been absolutely cruel. Certainly there has to be someone to help us.  Anyone that doesn't know the whole store can look under Mom's baby. I have been begging for help since last year in November 2007/.  Read the whole store. I pray no one else has to ever go through this,  We tried to take care of our Mother right, But because of one sister, the last year has been a year of hell and stress and has broken a family that was together.  If my Mom's mind was right it would break her heart.   The doctors told my sister(Guradian) that he thought from the testing in the hospital Mother had lost brain cells that tell her how to swallow.  She immediately said, I am going to get Mom out of here and never take her back to those doctors. She just denies Mothers medical condition.  Can brain cell with rehab maybe new ones form and help her swallow?  Mom's Baby

  • mom'sbaby
    Apr. 23, 2008

    Just to try to simplify what has happened.   My oldest sister just kept fighting for guardianship of my Mother,(Mother had a will, living will and provided who she wanted as guardian dating back to 1996) The three other sister (myself included) finally said, let her handle the guardianship. We do not care about the money, we just want our mother where...

    RHMLucky777

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    Just to try to simplify what has happened.   My oldest sister just kept fighting for guardianship of my Mother,(Mother had a will, living will and provided who she wanted as guardian dating back to 1996) The three other sister (myself included) finally said, let her handle the guardianship. We do not care about the money, we just want our mother where she will get the correct medical help. The minuite she got the guardianship, she moved her out of the Memory Care Unit, put her with her boyfriend January 28, 2008. She put them in a Senior living Center, there is no structure, and my poor Mother is scared. The boyfriend was so ill, they could not get down to eat the meals. I went over to see them and they were just stuck in an apartment with very little help. The medicines were being brought to them, but there is no structured environment in which my Mother needed desperately and was doing quite well from August 22,2007 until she moved there. The boyfriend passed away, March 28, 2008.  My Mom is in terrible shape. She doesn't know when to do anything. She sits on the phone with me & my sisters and we all go see her as much as possible, But My oldest sister certainly wasn't thinking of my mother being left alone by herself. She doesn't want to take her home and take care of her, she wants Mom to live on her own. She needs a structured environment and the place she is in doesn't have it. She just sits in her apartment and has very little contact out side of it.  We are going to see her, but she is begging for one of her daughters to take her. She says, "Doesn't anyone want me?"  It is the saddest situation I have been through. If my sister had left her where she was, she had made friendships and in a memory care unit they walk out their door and people are around. She never stayed in her room when she was in Memory Care. She was always playing the games, watching Movies, or doeing whatever they offered.  She writes everything down.  I noticed yesterday that she had put a roll in the microwave and it set off the fire alarm and she noted, My oldest Sister & her husband had to come.  I am concerned she will get hurt.  There is no security there. The doors are not locked and anyone can come and go as they please.  I am just praying the place she is living in will finally inform my sister my Mom needs to be moved.  Pray for my Mom and our Family. I just cannot figure out what My oldest sister is thinking. Through this whole situation, she has not considered my Mother at all.

    Mom's baby 

    • mom'sbaby
      Jun. 14, 2008

      My sister that is in denial just went into my mother last tuesday. I took my Mother to get her hair cut and set. She had gone to the same beautician for about 20 years. We had such a wonderful day. Mother was like taking a teenager to the beauty shop before a prom. She just totally enjoyed the day. When she saw her beautician, Cindy, she just hugged her and...

      RHMLucky777

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      My sister that is in denial just went into my mother last tuesday. I took my Mother to get her hair cut and set. She had gone to the same beautician for about 20 years. We had such a wonderful day. Mother was like taking a teenager to the beauty shop before a prom. She just totally enjoyed the day. When she saw her beautician, Cindy, she just hugged her and she was happy to see her. Mom told me I loved coming here once a week. This is a great memory of mine.  We went to lunch and Mom was just so happy.  My sister came later that evening, after I took Mom back. She through a fit. She yelled at Mother for going back to her hair dresser. When we going through the idea of having to go to court. About six of Mothers doctors, and this beautician wrote a nice letter stating that she was concerned for my mom because she notice her condition. She was even concerned some how she started driving there. Well, my sister took that and ran with it. She told My Mom that Cindy (the hairdresser) talked bad about her, and went to court against her. #1 Cindy didn't go to court #2 The letter was written out of concern for my Mom. Not to hurt her.  But, My thought is, I think that a Guardian of your own 85

      year old Mother should know how to deal with an alzheimer patient. I cannot believe she came in to Mom. She screamed at her, told her how bad Cindy talked about her, and left hollering at her and slambed my mothers door so bad Mom said it was emberassing for her. Mother has gone the same place for over 20 years and we girls, this sister included, have purchased Mom gift certificates from the beauty shop so Mom could keep going and getting her hair done. Mom has over $400. left to use. The place she is at has a beauty shop but, Mom has complained and begged me to take her to her old shop.  Now, Doesn't that sound mental cruel to keep telling my Mom her beautician talked bad about her?

      I think that is sick! Why hurt my Mom like that? Is there anyone I can tern this abuse as I see it to??

       

      Anyone with any answers please let me know. The stress level is still really bad. I have not found a group to councel with in my area but I need it desperately,Thanks to you all, and God Bless

      Mom's Baby

  • mom'sbaby
    Apr. 07, 2008

    My mother was tested at St. Vincents Center of the Aging, in Indianapolis, Indiana, Dec. 2008.  She was placed by three doctors & her family doctors of years from St. Francis Hospital of Beech Grove, Indiana. She was placed August 22, 2007. She was really doing quite well, but she did want to be with a boyfriend of years. He became sick in April 2007,...

    RHMLucky777

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    My mother was tested at St. Vincents Center of the Aging, in Indianapolis, Indiana, Dec. 2008.  She was placed by three doctors & her family doctors of years from St. Francis Hospital of Beech Grove, Indiana. She was placed August 22, 2007. She was really doing quite well, but she did want to be with a boyfriend of years. He became sick in April 2007,

    ended up having a lung removed from Cancer. The situation became, Mom couldn't take care of him, and He couldn't take of her. We desperately tried figure out a way to keep them together as long as possible.They were not married. He had an apartment and she owned a home. He did stay in her home and kept his apartment. He had three children. Which just made things even the harder as you should understand. If you read my previous positings, Quite a few.  Can anyone inform me if a doctor's report reads the patient can't drive, do her own finances, cannot sign any legal documents, cannot cook, needs eyes on medication given to her dailey, and needs to stay in a structured environment with strong security. Would you think that would be a Memory Care for an dimentia/alzheimer patient in stage 5?? Sadly, He did pass away in March 2008. My Mother in my opinion cannot stay alone.  She just begs you to take her home and she says she will not stay alone.  What do you think a Structured Environemnt means?

    Please Reponds ASAP  Mom's baby,

    The last year has been probably the sadest, hardest year of my entire life. I want to know what other people think of this situation.  

  • mom'sbaby
    Jan. 09, 2008

    Hi Everyone,

    My Mother went on Christmas Eve and had another evaluation by St. Vincents Center for Healthy Aging , Indianapolis, IN. On Monday, January 7, 2008 all four daughters went with our mother to sit down and go over the results. Of course, mother didn't think they were her results. That is what happened in 2000. The results confirm my mother needs...

    RHMLucky777

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    Hi Everyone,

    My Mother went on Christmas Eve and had another evaluation by St. Vincents Center for Healthy Aging , Indianapolis, IN. On Monday, January 7, 2008 all four daughters went with our mother to sit down and go over the results. Of course, mother didn't think they were her results. That is what happened in 2000. The results confirm my mother needs to be in a structured environment, medications given to her, she cannot make any financial decisions, drive a car. Several Things. We have been informed this since August 22, 2007. We have asked over and over because we have an older sister that just insists she doesn't belong in 24 hour care. She doesn't want to take her home and provide it. I myself believe she is just in denial. She is actually going into the nursing home and telling her, her others daughters are being mean to her and she will get her out of there. I feel she is manipulating her and actually being cruel. It is so hard to hear those words about your mother, but we have had to be told over and over because of this one sister. I am trying to get her to talk with this sister and see if she will meet with my other sisters.  The attorney fees have gotten way out of hand. We (The three sisters) are actually ready to let her be her guardian if she will just leave her where the doctors inform us she needs to be. We believe even if she signs an agreement through attorneys with the court, that she will not move our mother, she will anyway.  She wants to put her with her boyfriend of 40 years that had a lung removed because he has cancer, he has parkinsons, diabetis, Glaucoma, macular degineration of the eyes, you name it he has it and is on a walker. We do not want her placed in a condo with no help. He just had surgery June 25, 2007 and he has started having a lot of pain in his stomach area and cannot drive. Mother doesn't know how to dial a phone, turn on a TV, use a remote. If something would happen We would be very concerned for her welfair. If my sister did that, Is there anyone we can turn to for help. If she doesn't see she has the care the doctors have informed us she needs?  I am praying for a miracle and my sister will at this time listen to us. If my mom's boyfriend would just go live in the assisted living or he may need the medical help at this time, he could see her dailey. They could spend their time together and be taken care of.  Pray for us. I am just so stressed, I don't sleep, I cannot get this off my mind.  I love my mommy dearly. I want her happy and loved. Now she is just being agitated and the one sister is totally trying to take the rest of the family away from her. I just think that is not only cruel to us, but cruel to do to my mom.  Any idea, Pray for us.  Thanks, Mom's baby

  • AFA Social Services Team
    Health Pro
    Dec. 11, 2007

    Dear Mom's Baby:

     

    We are sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. AFA's Social Services Team would like to provide you with some information and resources to assist you.

     

    You share that your sister has started proceedings to contest guardianship by your other sibling. The interpretation of law can become complex and confusing....

    RHMLucky777

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    Dear Mom's Baby:

     

    We are sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. AFA's Social Services Team would like to provide you with some information and resources to assist you.

     

    You share that your sister has started proceedings to contest guardianship by your other sibling. The interpretation of law can become complex and confusing. Elder law is no exception, as demonstrated by the complex legal situation in your family. It is important that you have a lawyer familiar with elder law to represent your mother and your family.

     

    We encourage you to contact your local Area Agency on Aging (AAA) to learn about legal services available. Each AAA is a government office that provides supportive information and referral to community-based services. AAAs may also provide legal services, elder abuse prevention services and supportive home resources. You may find a local AAA by contacting an information specialist at 1-800-677-1116. Specialists are available on weekdays between 9 AM and 8 PM (ET).

     

    You also mention that you suspect your sister is abusing your mother. The Agency on Aging has available on their Web site a listing of protective services agencies for each state. Once you locate the protective service in your mother's state, you can call to report your suspicion of abuse.

     

    Your situation is complex and difficult to address via a post. Please know that AFA is available to provide you with support and resources. Again, we encourage you to call our toll-free hotline at 1-866-AFA-8484 to speak to one of our licensed social workers.

     

    • mom'sbaby
      Jan. 05, 2008

      I have not made any replys for quite a while. I went through Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and did not get to see my mother either holidays.I am 62 and this is the only year I wasn't with my mother with the exception to one year while my husband was in Germany in the service in 1965. The sorrow and stress I have felt has been more than I...

      RHMLucky777

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      I have not made any replys for quite a while. I went through Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and did not get to see my mother either holidays.I am 62 and this is the only year I wasn't with my mother with the exception to one year while my husband was in Germany in the service in 1965. The sorrow and stress I have felt has been more than I can put into words.  My mother is still in the nursing home and on December 24,2007 had an evaluation by Dr. Dianne Healy, of the St. Vincents Institute on Aging. That is where my mother was tested in 2000.  We will all get to go to hear the results of the testing on January 7,2008. They are going to make my mother go and listen to these results. I am quite concerned, she gets terribly upset with her doctors that come into the nursing home, MD and Physchiatric because she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her mind. My oldest sister has told her this since the day she went into the nursing home and I do not know what my mother will do if she informed she does have a problem.  She can get combative. We saw that this summer. That is why she ended up in the nursing home in the first place. She got very combative with her family doctor of years trying to explain to her what her condition was.  I just pray that this ends the division that has come to our family.  I pray for God to give me the strength to get through that day and every day with my Mom. I just want to know she is taken care of. I want to know she is safe. I want her where she needs to be. If she could run a marathon, whatever her heart wants, that would be great. We will soon see. I pray this one sister will stop going through my mother's money with attorney fees. My poor Mom, worked her whole life. If she realized what has happened she would be heart sick. Pray for the Jackson Family, in Indianapolis, Indiana

      I pray for all the families that have family members with alzheimer's.  God be with you all, Mom's Baby

  • AFA Social Services Team
    Health Pro
    Dec. 07, 2007

    Dear Mom's Baby,

     

    I am hoping that other readers have not been through the pain and stress that you have, with your mom, sister and now the attorneys. You deserve better.

     

    There are steps that you will probably find helpful. First, take care of yourself. Share your emotions. While you continue to sharepost on HealthCentral, you are welcome to call...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    Dear Mom's Baby,

     

    I am hoping that other readers have not been through the pain and stress that you have, with your mom, sister and now the attorneys. You deserve better.

     

    There are steps that you will probably find helpful. First, take care of yourself. Share your emotions. While you continue to sharepost on HealthCentral, you are welcome to call our licensed social workers to discuss your feelings, and develop strategies and resources for navigating through legal, medical, institutional and family systems. While it is helpful to write about your situation, it is equally helpful to have a one-on-one conversation with a social worker or other professional under these circumstances. Call toll-free 866-AFA-8484 Monday through Friday 9 am-5 pm Eastern time.

     

    Support groups are also a wonderful resource, offering a safe place to express the difficult emotions. You can also learn much from other caregivers in a group who have already been through some of the problems that you have been experiencing. AFA social workers can help you find a group that meets near you, typically once a month. Care Connection is a telephone based support network that meets every Thursday evening. For toll-free number and schedules, see sharepost every Wednesday---see December 5. Both of these offer opportunities to verbalize your experiences.

     

    Many good wishes for establishing a stable and manageable care situation for your mom and family.
    • mom'sbaby
      Dec. 09, 2007

      Thank you for replying. Things have even gone from bad to worse. My poor Mother. She has been in the nursing home since August 22, 2007. She is getting alzheimers's medicines for the first time and she was given a prescription in 2000. She would not take it and this older sister that is fighting this joined in and told her she didn't have to take it....

      RHMLucky777

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      Thank you for replying. Things have even gone from bad to worse. My poor Mother. She has been in the nursing home since August 22, 2007. She is getting alzheimers's medicines for the first time and she was given a prescription in 2000. She would not take it and this older sister that is fighting this joined in and told her she didn't have to take it. My Mother is so much better since she has been getting her mecidine, in a scheduled environment, gets to sleep at night and doesn't have to worry about trying to take care of a home, get groceries, do her laundry & ect. My oldest sister, who has started all the court proceedings, contesting my twin be her appointed guardian, which my mother put in her POA document of 1996.We went to see her Friday night, my sister hadn't been there that day, so mother was glad to see us. When we went in, she was sitting with her the other residents watching a gospel group on a big screen tv.  She is totally happy there, but my sister & her children go in daily, I would say, brain washing her, and telling her, Your other three daughters are mean, they put you in here, I will get you out.You do not belong in here.They are saying your nuts! In April, my mother had four daughters and their familys that she loved. Now she has one daughter. She has told my mother not to go anywhere with us. We go over to take her to lunch and she is afraid to get in the car with us. Isn't that cruel. She is ripping my mom's other three daughters out of her life & their extended families.  What can we do?  I feel she is being mean to her, manipulating her like that.  And it just kills you when your own mother says she doesn't want to go with you. I have had lunch, at least once a week with my Mom and her boyfriend for a long time.  She has never not wanted to see me.  As I have said, Mom is 84, I will not just stop seeing my Mom with doing something but what? Is there an agency we can call? I really do think that is cruel to keep her agitated and keeping approximately 31 other family members from seeing her just because the one daughter doesn't believe the doctors. And she is fighting to become Mom's guardian. How can she be a guardian when she doesn't understand my mothers needs this help?Very Very frustrating, We are not rich. I wish I was. I would bring my Mom home and hire someone to take care of her with me. I am 62 and have arthritis and have a lot of days I cannot get around well. So I would need help.  I did take care of my mother-in-law in my home, 24/7 for five years. That is why my medical condition is so bad. I quit a really good job of 25 years and took care of her.  I found out I was a pretty good nurse, But I really have bad guilt now that I know it is impossible for me to take care of my own mother.

       ?? Any agencies we can call? I think my mother is being abused by my oldest sister feeding her this hateful feelings all the time.  I would hope everyone could just love her and visit her!

       

      Help,,,,Mom's Baby

  • mom'sbaby
    Dec. 06, 2007

    My Mother has been placed into a Memory Care Unit in a nursing home. She is for the first time receiving medicines for alzheimer's/dimentia. She is on 3 medicines for the Alz and takes a pill that puts her to sleep at night.  She started in 2000 with an geriatric evaluation at a Hospital. At that time they noticed her short term...

    RHMLucky777

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    My Mother has been placed into a Memory Care Unit in a nursing home. She is for the first time receiving medicines for alzheimer's/dimentia. She is on 3 medicines for the Alz and takes a pill that puts her to sleep at night.  She started in 2000 with an geriatric evaluation at a Hospital. At that time they noticed her short term memory was failing.The doctors gave her a summary of things she needed help with, like driving, financial records, and legal forms and etc.  At that time they wanted her to take medicine and keep coming back. She just got mad, and was in denial along with my oldest sister. My Mom has been at this nursing home since August 22,2007 and is so much more calmer and seems to not repeat herself so much. It is wonderful how well she is doing in a structured environment, getting her medicines and being taken care of.  What do you, when one sister is in denial out of four. She has caused a lot of attorney fees. She is fighting the rest of us to take her out. She keeps going in and telling my mother the rest of us are being mean and she will take her out soon.It just keeps her agitated. We have nothing to gain. We wanted what money my mother had to go for her care. Now our attorney told us today, that all three sisters and their spouses have to sign a finacial agreement that we will pay the attorneys bills if mothers home doesn't sell for enough to pay all the attorneys. He is threating to quit, and we are supposted to go to court Jan. 18,2008, trying to keep our mother in the nursing home. We do not know where to turn. We cannot afford to sign away our homes. If we just give in my mother will go down hill and all that has been accomplished will end. My sister that is in denial, does not want to take her home and take care of her. She wants to just let her stay with another elderly friend in a condo with no medical help.  What does a family do when they can not afford to pay attorneys fees to try to help keep their mother safe?  Anyone  know? Is there any free legal services? Will the court appoint an attorney for us
    ? We are just frantic. My mother has to take coumadin, lipitor, She has one eye, so she needs someone making sure she takes care of the one good eye or she could loose sight. We are amazed what one person can cost their own mother.  My poor mother worked her whole life and paid for her home. It should go for her medical care instead attorneys fees.

    Anyone been through this??Help??

     Mom's Baby

  • Sean
    Nov. 23, 2007

    My heart goes out to you! My sister was only diagnosed this year and she is 67, I am 53 and my only other living brother is 50. The thing is the sister with ALZ and my brother live in the same state but different cities, I just moved to FLorida. It was through phone calls that I noticed something was wrong and called my sister in law and told her someone had...

    RHMLucky777

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    My heart goes out to you! My sister was only diagnosed this year and she is 67, I am 53 and my only other living brother is 50. The thing is the sister with ALZ and my brother live in the same state but different cities, I just moved to FLorida. It was through phone calls that I noticed something was wrong and called my sister in law and told her someone had to take my sister to the doctor, it was then that she was diagnosed. My brother never really had anything to do with my sister as she had a learning disability and she was an "embarassment" to him. She was "simple" she did not finish high school and she did not drive. When my parents died she inherited our family home and she has been living there alone since. She has had help to pay her bills and drive her to church and to the grocery store, but was healthy as a horse until this. When she was diagnosed I wanted her to come live with me in FLorida, my brother wouldn't hear of it! It wasn't as if he did anything for her...it was his wife that would take her to the doctor and do her bills. Then when I found out that she didn't even know how to use her microwave any longer and was eating cold food, I hired my cousin to go every day and make sure she was getting a good hot meal and some company. She also took her to the store and did some much needed repairs around the house that I kept telling my brother needed to be done. Well the worst happened! Someone came and asked my sister after my cousin left for the day if she wanted her leaves raked, and she said yes. This person somehow got into the house, was fed, and then spent the night. It took a lot to get the story out of my sister and to make sure it wasn't just another story. But when we found the made up bed and the clothes he left what more proof did we need? When my brother was confronted he just wouldn't believe us, and then yelled at my sister not to open the door! Like saying that just once is going to sink in. She need someone there everyday. So I have been calling and emailing him constantly along with my cousin and my aunt. No one gets an aswer from him. Until yesterday, I got a call. I was so happy to think finally this is going to be taken care of. NOT! He started out the call saying that "THIS IS YOUR BROTHER" like I didn' t know. ANd told me to thank my lucky stars that I have a sister in law who does all she does for my sister. I tried to tell him to calm down, but he didn't. He continued with foul words. Never once did I tell him he was in charge only of our sister. I am so afraid I too have to now get a lawyer just to find out what kind of insurance she has so I can get someone in the house to take care of her properly. I found someone recommended by the Alzheimer's Assoc. called the Visiting Angels and they sound so wonderful, and I would love to interview them while I was in CT, but how do I set this up if I don't know her information and my brother has it all?

    So my dear, I know what you are going through. What do we do? How can these selfish people do this to us? I too sit here and cry, wondering if my sister is safe. I would love to have her here I have enough room, my brother practically has a mansion but he wouldn't think of having her at his house. He didn't even want her to come for Thanksgiving. They picked her up at 3:00 and brought her home at 5:00 what does that tell you? She was waiting from 1:00 the time they told her they were supposed to come. Oh my dear all I can say is I will keep all of us in my prayers.....and may dear God have Mercy on us. Best of Luck to you and hang in there and don't give up!  

  • Dorian Martin
    Health Guide
    Nov. 22, 2007

    Hi, Mom's Baby,

     

    I wrote a response to your Thanksgiving post, but the alert came back to me. So I'm posting this note up here so I know you'll receive the heads-up on my comment posted on Thursday, Nov. 22. It's way down at the bottom of the string of comments.

     

    Take care!

     

    Dorian

    • mom'sbaby
      Dec. 02, 2007

      I haven't written for a while, I am overwelmed with hurt, unbelieveable pain. My sister, who doesn't believe anything is wrong with my mom, has started a campaign to go to my mom's nursing home every day, and inform her that her other three daughters are mean and are the reason she is in there. Of course, an alzheimer's patient just wants to...

      RHMLucky777

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      I haven't written for a while, I am overwelmed with hurt, unbelieveable pain. My sister, who doesn't believe anything is wrong with my mom, has started a campaign to go to my mom's nursing home every day, and inform her that her other three daughters are mean and are the reason she is in there. Of course, an alzheimer's patient just wants to go home. In my mothers will, done in 1996 while she had her mind,she wanted my twin sister to be guardian over her if the time came she would become incompetent. She even has her children doing the same thing. The nursing home staff is well aware of what is happening, but they say they take her over to her self and whisper. When they leave they tell her it will not be long and we will get you out of here.  My sister is totally alienating the other three sisters, plus all grandchildren and great grandchildren.  I had the first Thanskgiving since I got married, which will be 43 years Dec 20,2007 without my mother. My sister, went into the nursing home, took an attorney, and obtained him for my mother. My mother can not use a phone, or look up something in the phone book.  I do not understand, My twin is her temp-guardian until this stupid trial, How could she do that? I have cried and been so depressed over Thanksgiving. But I had my own three children, their spouses, and my husband, and five grandchildren in and we had a great Thanksgiving. I just missed my Mom. I tried to get over that day. Monday, I called the nursing home, and informed them I would take my mother out for lunch tuesday!! I think somehow my sister found that out. Someone may have overheard the conversation. Tuesday ten minutes before I was leaving, Mother's nurse from Meadow Lakes called and said Mom had company and said She didn't want to go to lunch with me. I was devistated. I went on over to the nursing home, went to the social worker and she called in the Facilitor over Memory Care. I asked, (Please , I am the bad guy here. I need to know for sure "Does my mother need 24 hour care?" Their answer was, Yes and you are doing the right thing.  I told them I want to talk to her pschichiatrist and see how she is doing. They told me he is actually coming in the next day Wednesday, So I told them I would go over and wait to see him.  I want him to know what is happening. Isn't it cruel to keep telling my mother they are going to take her out if they cannot?? Understand, my sister doesn't want to take her out and take her home and give her 24 hour care herself. She want to take her out, place her in a condo with her boyfriend. The boyfriend has had lung cancer, and a lung removed, he is 80. He has parkinsons, diabetis, glaucoma, spinal stenosis, which causes a lot of neck pain, imacular degeneration of the eyes.  ( I am not real sure of the spelling of the meds). They dated 43 years, but never married. Mother had her reasons, He had an apartment, she her home. We are desperately trying protect her, so she can pay for her medical needs with the home she has. We, (the other three daughters do not expect any money from her estate. It will all go for her care. I think my sister, just wants to stick her with her boyfriend, and is worried about loosing her home.

      On Wednesday I went to the nursing home, I visited with Mother from 1:00pm until about 3:00. The nurse that called me the day before and cancelled lunch plans apologized. She said, she went over to mother and told her she had a surprise and I was coming to taking her to lunch. She said my nephew (my sister in denial's son) said, "She doesn't have to go with her, she has rights!  That is the first time my mother has not wanted to go anywhere with me, ever. The nurse said, I just wanted to smack him!  Her doctor came in and I got to meet him for the first time. He has been her doctor since August 22, 2007. But, we all seem to miss him.He see's mother once a month. Mother swears she has never seen him before. I have asked for a family meeting the week of Dec 3, 2007 praying my one sister will talk and listen to the nurses, staff and the Memory Care Facilitator.  I asked the doctor the same question, Does my mother really need to be here?  She does seem somewhat better.

      I informed him of the difference with the one sister. He called her aside and had an appointment with her, He also tested her.

      After the appointment, he called me and the Manager(facilitator) over to discuss her appointment with Mom present.  He did inform her she does have alzheimer's, she is doing quite well because she is living in a structured environment, getting the medicine she needed, and doesn't have to worry about trying to do things she could no longer focus on.  He did tell us her testing is about the same as when she came in.  But she is somewhat calmer, as long as you do not tell her what she doesn't want to hear. Since August 2007, I have shown her how to turn on her TV and she just can't. She doesn't remember what she likes to eat, or who came to see her.  I could go on and on.  After the doctor left she was explosively agitated. She looked at me and said, That doctor thinks I am nuts. I know why I am in here and So do you!! She was uncontrollable. The nurses told me they feared for me.  I actually was uncomfortable. The doctor did try to explain to her she was there because of her medical condtion, no one put her there but she has been told over and over it is her mean daughters. Needless to say, I had a bad week last week.  My oldest sister is still pushing to go to court over this.  If she keeps going, all mother's money, house will just go for attorney's.  I just want to love my mother, keep her in a safe environment, see she gets her medicines. Before she went into the hospital mother would not take any medicine for her condition. She was in denial.  She took a lot of pain pills and I believe her boyfriend brainwashed her and told her everything to do.I am begging my sister to listen, All I want to do is love my mother, visit her, and all her family to love her and visit her. My oldest sister,(in denial) is making it almost impossible.  Pray for our family from Indianpolis, Indiana.  I have prayed and I have cried so much I don't know where to turn. Pray this meeting she may listen just a little.   I pray no other family is going throuhg this.

      After talking with the doctor, he told me your twin sister needs to win this guardianship, and if your sister keeps this up she needs to block any of her family from visitation until they accept her condition.I looked at him and said, I really don't want to hurt her like that I just want her to understand.  

       

      PRAY FOR US!!!  MOM's BABY 

  • Sue
    Sue
    Nov. 13, 2007

    Thank you for your post.  I'm so sorry you and your family are having to go through such a difficult situation.

     

    Thanks so much for your post.  This is a great question - one I plan to investigate more after my reply here!

    Just to note, I am a contributor for the online community here.  I am not however a health professional or medically...

    RHMLucky777

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    Thank you for your post.  I'm so sorry you and your family are having to go through such a difficult situation.

     

    Thanks so much for your post.  This is a great question - one I plan to investigate more after my reply here!

    Just to note, I am a contributor for the online community here.  I am not however a health professional or medically trained, so I cannot answer your questions in that regard.   I can however direct you to resources on our site that could help or lead you in the right direction.

     

    Its really important to stay as possitive as you can right now.  You need support to and might consider (if you already haven't) a group that helps Alzheimer's caregivers.  we have some resources on our site that might be of help.  Just go to the Web Resources section for Caregivers (under the "Find" section to the left).

     

    I will also ask one of our experts to review your post and comment back to you.  Will be back in touch soon.

     

    Thanks so much.  SMM 

    • mom'sbaby
      Nov. 14, 2007

      I thank you for any reply. I need someone to talk to. I think I am so depressed about the whole situation I just want to hide, and sit in a dark corner. I love my Mom. She needs the help she is getting and my oldest sister is fighting me and my other two sisters every step of the way. Then their are the attorneys. All they want is to go through any money...

      RHMLucky777

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      I thank you for any reply. I need someone to talk to. I think I am so depressed about the whole situation I just want to hide, and sit in a dark corner. I love my Mom. She needs the help she is getting and my oldest sister is fighting me and my other two sisters every step of the way. Then their are the attorneys. All they want is to go through any money she has instead of taking care of her. How can my mother, with stage 5 alzheimer's obtain an attorney?  We all wanted to be able to take my mother out to eat or for short trips to our homes and love her as we always have. My oldest sister has made that all impossible. She took her, lied to her and told her she was going on vacation with her boyfriend and put her in a condo with no help what so ever. My Mom is 84, the boyfriend is 80. He has just had a lung cancer, they removed the lung, he also has parkinsons, glaucoma, spinal stenosis, diabetis, you name it he has it. He can not take take of her and she can not take care of him. Oh, She wants to go home and take care of him. Oh, how I wish she could. Mother had this companion for 43 years and it is sad that they are separated at this time. But, she could not go into assisted living, and he decided he didn't want to stay in such a little place. At that point, we girls, just have tried to follow our mother's wishes. She has told us for over 40 years, that she didn't marry this friend for a reason. Mother is like a teenager now. She would do anything to be with him and she doesn't have the mind she had.  They cannot stay alone. Who can help us. We have attorneys telling us that three of us girls would have to sign financial agreements that we would pay the attorneys fees if mothers estate doesn't cover the fees.  I just cannot do that. I am 62 and my husband is 65 and trying to get ready to retire. Mother has a home paid for worth about $90,000. and maybe about $25,000 left in her checking.  We need to keep paying her bill to stay in the facility, pay an attorney to get guardianship over our mom. We have at least 6 doctors with a diagnosis that she is in 5th state of Alzheimers. My oldest sister is fighting the guardianship. I do not know where to turn.

      Anyone in the Memory care unit would sign anything to get someone to take them out. That is part of the disease.  Certainly there is someone, or legal help for familys caught in this web. I am trying to be responsible and see my mother is cared for and then you also have the attorneys, fighting for her money! I wish she didn't have the house, then my oldest sister would probably leave her alone and be taken care of.  In the middle of all this I have days, I  am so depressed, and cry all day. I try not to be a baby, I just want my mothers love, and I want to see she is taken care of. Where do we turn. Yes, I have prayed and prayed and prayed and I know God hears me, I just am not getting any answers.

       

      Desperate daughter

    • Anonymous
      natsha
      Feb. 20, 2008

      Hi Mom's baby:

       

      Iam so sorry you are having so much trouble with your family.  I too had problems with my x family, just a note to let you know all of her money was used up with attorney fee's.  I still take care of her, No one else cares anymore because there is no more money.  They only wanted stuff.  How sad when our mothers...

      RHMLucky777

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      Hi Mom's baby:

       

      Iam so sorry you are having so much trouble with your family.  I too had problems with my x family, just a note to let you know all of her money was used up with attorney fee's.  I still take care of her, No one else cares anymore because there is no more money.  They only wanted stuff.  How sad when our mothers do everything for us, as we are growing up.  Sure things get ruff, but at least your mom is in a home, or hospital care.  As long as she is not being abused they should leave her there.  If you can't afford it anymore than bite the bulett and take care of her, or let someone else in the family do it, they say they only so many years left to live.  They should be happy years.  If you do not want to take care of your mom let your sister have her.  She;ll soon see she can't handle it.  Its hard to do.

      Keep praying to God he does hear our prayers.  He is a good God and wants us to be happy.  Try reading daily inspirtational, or getting Joel Osteen, Lakewood church, daily inspirtational sent to your email.  It comforts me daily with all I have to do.

       You would be surprised how many people fight over their parents money and stuff, its heart breaking.

        Feeling your pain....

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