heartbroken

Janice, I am sorry that your Mom has a hard time. Did anyone diagnose her and prescribe the proper medications? I know it is hard. Before my father-in-law was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, my FIL has said many hurtful things to my husband and me. For 2 years (he became a widower in Oct/2004) he had accused us lots of stuff. e.g., attempted to change his will without his permission (which is not possible at all) and accused that my husband ruined his laptop which he forgot how to use...  One time he insisted to discuss money distribution without me visiting...My hubby got so mad at him (we are handling all my father-in-law finances.) My FIL has both antisocial personality and Alzheimer's so it is extremely difficult to deal with him so I understand your pain.

Maybe you can talk to her doctor for better way of dealing with her. Looks like she is in stress with her condition.

Nina

Dear Janice,

Thank you for reaching out to Health Central to speak about your concerns as a caregiver. We understand how difficult it is for you to watch your mother suffer. It is not unusual for people who have memory loss to become suspicious of others and to accuse them of doing terrible things. All of one's senses begin to change as dementia progresses. In fact, it would not be unusual if your mother were to hear, see, or even feel things that are not actually there. Please know that any of these symptoms have nothing to do with you, her devoted and loving caregiver. It is the illness that is causing these symptoms, not you, and your mother has no way of controlling

When your mother lashes out at you, try not to argue or disagree with her. Don't say things like "I already told you . . . " Rather, talk to her about the issue. For example, if she accuses you of having stolen something from her, don't say "No, I didn't!" Instead, show her where that article is in the house, give her a hug, and tell her that it's okay and isn't it great that you found it for her.

You have many things that are going on in your life that are causing you a great deal of stress. In order for you to successfully continue your role as your mother's caregiver, and to be able to function at your job, it is very important to keep yourself healthy in mind and body. One way to reduce your stress is to find a support group where you can openly talk about your experiences, listen to the experiences of other caregivers, and learn ways in which to handle the stress. You have already taken the first step in sharing your concerns by writing to Health Central. Another option, since you may not be able to leave your home at night, or you may be too tired to do so after a long, stressful day at work, is to call Care Connection, a service of the Alzheimer's Foundation of America, on Thursday evenings at 9:00 p.m. ET. Care Connection is a free telephone support service designed for caregivers of individuals with Alzheimer's disease and related illnesses. Please look at our Website at http://www.alzfdn.org/services/careconnection.shtml or http://www.askdrjamie.com/) for more information. Also, if you would like to speak to a social worker, you can call our toll-free number at 866-AFA-8484, Monday through Friday, from 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m.

Hi Janice,

I can feel for you, as my husband is in late stages of Alzheimer's, and also extremely nasty, verbally, to me. I get cussed at constantly, and he argues with ever thing I try to do for him. He has had 10 brain surgeries, 3 heart attacks, and 4 strokes. He is 69 years old. He refuses to bath for months on end, and poops his pants or diapers, because he is too lazy to go into the bathroom. Many mornings I have woke up to a mess all over the bathroom. It is a very depressing time for the caregiver, especially if you are all alone, as it sounds like you and I both are. My kids have totally written me off. I know how you feel saying just 3 years ago she was out dancing, etc. Keep your chin up, girlfriend, and find a good buddy, with strong shoulders, because they sure come in handy.

Dotty

I am so sorry and feel for you so very much with what you're going through.  It has got to be the toughest part of the disease.  When you hear these things, you often question your sanity or the truth to these comments, so much so that you feel you're losing your mind.  Rest assured that you are not.  Try to remember that if this person was healthy, they would be horrified if they knew they were saying such awful things.  This sometimes made me feel better.  But you're human and it hurts you so much.  And it's true, that those closest to us hurt us the most, because we let them.  We love them.

I would suggest getting your mother into (another) doctor's visit and see what they can do for you.  Sometimes a sedative will help, along with moving their attention to other things.  This stage also does not normally last, and you're strong; you've made it this far, so keep on going.  Your mother is depending on you - just like you did her so long ago.

I too went through the same thing with my mother.  The day she accused me of coming out to see her just so I could sleep with my father.  Boy did that hurt.  I was horrified by the remark, and I stayed away after that for a while.  Only when I got a call from my mother asking where I was and when I would be out to see her again, did I realize that I HAD to be with her; I loved her more than life itself.

Hang in there.  It is NOT YOU.  You are not crazy and it is not fair.  But remember the love, and with it will come the peace to endure the pain.

Take care.