Thursday, August 09, 2007
I've been wrestling with the issue of placing my husband in a small board and care for quite some time, but now that the reality is upon me, I find myself on an emotional roller coaster of both guilt and reality. The guilt comes from this insane belief that I SHOULD care for him at home as long as I can possibly manage. The reality comes from a selfish pace, I suppose: I want more of my life back. I didn't fully realize how much of my life I didn't have until I finally took a vacation without Dick. Lake Tahoe with my children and grandchildren offered a window into another life for me --- a life with some freedom and an opportunity to be somewhat independent once again. Needless-to-day, these past ten years have worn me down --- down to a point where I could not even imagine a life that did not involve the 24/7 caregiving of my husband. I had resigned myself to the fact that this was my life and I was trying to accept it in the most positive way I could. My children saw my life much differently than I did --- more realistically, I suppose. I was in the thick of it and was sure I could and should manage. But my week away gave me perspective on where Dick actually is in this terrible disease. So tomorrow, Scott and I will look at other places for him to live and perhaps get better care than I can give him. Truly, that is a bitter pill to swallow, but I am coming around to believing it is true. Thus, my roller coaster ride of emotions, fraught with tears at times and acceptance at other times. I've heard and read that this is the way it goes, but, trust me: there is no preparation for the emotions involved in actually living these decisions -- they are truly heart-wrenching. Wish me luck. Teri
Dear Teri,
Robert Frost once remarked that "freedom is being easy in your harness." Your story indicates that you may have been comfortable in yours over a long period-and if not comfortable, valiant. That must make it extremely hard to give up the ideal of being primary caregiver for your husband forever. Another ideal is often both valid and practical-that of optimal care. You are not the only person who can give Dick adequate care. By placing him, you will probably solve a paradox-how to take care of another without neglecting yourself when the only way to prolong caregiving is to take care of yourself.
Good luck in your search for a suitable facility. AFA and other experts have information available on how to choose the best facilities. While there may be no way to prepare for the unpredictable onset of emotions, you have already tapped into this forum for sharing. Support groups are another powerful resource. Participants in Care Connection, the national toll-free telephone support group that meets every Thursday evening, frequently discuss their feelings around placement of a loved one. You are welcome to join that conversation.