As I re-read my shareposts written over a year ago, I cannot believe that life has changed so radically for me and for Dick this first year of his placement in a small board and care home. Placing one's parents is one thing, but placing one's spouse is quite another --- I speak from experience on both sides. I thought that I would always take care of Dick at home -- it seemed the right thing to do; however, as his disease progressed and he lost his memory of his family and his home, I began to think of what I would want him to do if it were me with the Alzheimer's. I know for a fact that I would want him to let others help him share the care of me. It is such a 24/7 job and as the disease progresses, it gets so very much harder. I know that I was an emotional wreck last year -- so sleep deprived after getting up six or seven times each night to show Dick the way to the bathroom. Funny thing is, I thought I was doing fine, but my children saw it another way. I remember going away to Lake Tahoe -- the first time I had been away alone in many, many years. That week spent with my daughter and adorable grandboys gave me a tiny look into what my life could be like with more help. I felt so refreshed each morning after a beautiful night's sleep and I felt so free. The next week, with my children's support, I began looking for a small board and care home that would care for Dick as tenderly as I had, and lucky for me, I found just such a place. Now my focus is on visiting him every other day and actually looking forward to doing so. There's a trail nearby his house that we walk on and benches to relax on when we get tired. Strangers stop and talk or let Dick pat their dog if they have one --- it's a beautiful experience, one that I aways want to have when we head out for our stoll. I'm so grateful for the truth of that feeling. I went through months of being extremely angry at all of our friends and most of our family who seemed to forget this dear man in his time of need. Few came to visit, including a brother who lives close by. I spoke up to many people about this lack of visitation --- it hurt me deeply. I wanted others to come by for a few minutes now and then just to bring a smile to Dick's face. He wouldn't know them and would certainly never remember that they come, but it seemed important to me that they make the effort, hard as I know making such an effort was. However, as time went on, I luckily lost that anger--- the anger that was taking up so much space in my brain and such an emotional toll on me. I began to see the importance of letting people make their own decisions about how they would deal with this father, this brother, this friend. It freed me emotionally and the result has been these glorious visits with my husband -- relishing in the smiles and in the occasional words of English that he sometimes speaks --- even an "I love you" now and then. Who knows how much he understands in that brain of his -- perhaps more that we think. What I do know for sure is that he has people around him who love and respect him and who care for his every need. Because there are only three men and three women in his house, he gets an amazing amount of attention. And that care, of course, frees my mind of worry and I am able to live an enjoyable life. On paper, it sounds selfish and the guilt is ever-present. In my heart, though, I know I've made the right decision for the two of us.
