Family Conflict in dealing with dementia.

By Monica St John Tuesday, June 15, 2010

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My sisters and brothers refuse to sit down and have an effective discussion with regard to my Dad's care. I have done the research given them the information and I continue to meet with opposition about putting my Dad is a nursing home. My Mom said to me today that if would be better for her if she was dead. This is not the first time she has mentioned suicide in connection to my Dad's dementia and his constant verbal abuse and threats. We met with the doctor today and he stated that my father needs 24 hour care and my mother can not do it alone. I have not heard anything from my brothers or sisters about what we are going to do. I have contacted Adult Protective Services in my area for advice. The social worker advised me to get my brothers and sisters to sit down and make a decision to admit my father to a nursing home. At this point it is not even an option because they are not speaking to me because I am trying to do what is best for both of my parents.

Comments (6) | Add comment

6/16/10 12:27pm

Monica,

I am sorry that your family has disagreement regarding this. However, has your Mom agreed to send your Dad to a nursing home? This is quite a sensitive topic in the family. At times the elder may get sicker in the nursing home or he may get better care there, but it is a risk because you would never know until you try it. Each move will impact the elder badly or emotionally. So it is a move that has to be prudent. We have the similar problem that the elder may not wish to go to the nursing home although the elder may have said it was ok before he got sick.

I guess you just have to continue to persuade your family about this solution. The most important thing is you can mention that your mother may get seriously ill if she continues to care for your Dad. Have you thought about hiring part-time caregivers from outside? It may help the transition until later on. You can always wait until later to admit him to a nursing home. The doctor's suggestion is an objective suggestion (we may not have to follow the doctor's suggestion such as going to a nursing home as long as we can deal with it at home) and 24 hours care can be done at home if you find more people to help out.

Regards,

Nina

Monica St John

6/16/10 6:04pm

Everything revolves around not using the money he has in the bank. My mother says she does not care use the money to take care of our father. They are not listening to her. My mother has been telling them that she can not handle this for well over 9 months now. It is as if they have not heard a word she has beern saying. My oldest sister is the one who has exerted control over things and it is a big problem because she will not take input from anyone. She also has a drug problem that I think is clouding her judgement. Time is being spent trying to get free services when we could hire someone and pay them so my mom can get some rest. I have been getting advice from a Social Worker with Adult Protective Services here in our area. They don't understand how critical this is. We can not wait another couple of weeks for programs to kick in. My mother did not sleep last night. Dad urinated in the kitchen and could not find his bedroom. He started walking around naked from waist down.

6/17/10 10:32am

Monica,

I don't want to pry into your family situations. But it is your parents' money. How come the big sister has a big way to say it? Is she the POA? Still the parents like your Mom has a say because she is competent in this sense so the POA cannot override her.
I think the urgent thing right now is to hire a part-time caregiver or helper for your Mom. At least the person can cook for her or do some chores.

Sorry that you and your parents have a hard time now.

Nina

6/18/10 9:48am

Hello. I'm sorry you are facing these problems. My family experienced extreme dysfunction when my father took ill for his last illness. No one wanted to admit my father was ill and dying. They all (my mother included) tried to imagine he would get better. It made making any plans simply impossible. I mention this mostly to say that others here have probably experienced some of what you are going through.

My comments fall into three areas, one dealing with your mother, one with your father, and one with your siblings.

In your mother's case, you might want to contact their family physician and ask that she go in for an evaluation. Go with her, if at all possible. If she is being physically and emotionally abused, her family physician is the person to tell. He or she can provide suggestions and make a record of her complaint. In addition, and perhaps more importantly, her suicidal expressions need to be addressed. These must be mentioned to folks who will hear them. Her physician is one of those people. Please get your mother to a doctor, and soon. Her life might depend on it.

Your father: does he know he has dementia? Does he have a financial and a health care power of attorney (what Nina called "POA")? If he does, then whoever controls his health and financial matters *must* be consulted in this. If he does not, then you would do well to make sure that someone has these POAs and will act appropriately to his wishes now and in future.

Given your circumstances, it seems that your mother should be the one making the decisions. Not your other siblings, nor you, in fact, if your mother has no dementia. If your mother knows she can't take care of your father, then she is the one who needs to seek assistance from appropriate services in your area. If she and one child has a POA over your father (ideally, if it were she and you), then you would be able to do as you think necessary.

I'd contact elder services in your area to ask for some suggestions as to how to handle the situation. I'd also consult with an elder care attorney to see what your father's and mother's rights are as to the use of his money. If he has already signed over the estate to you kids, the family is indeed in a difficult situation. But if not, then your siblings have no right to say that the money should not be used for the caregiving needs of your parents. A lawyer would help you sort some of this out.

I am currently the primary caregiver for my mother who is at a moderate stage of alzheimer's. My sisters and I came to the decision together that my mother should not live alone, and I then talked with her about living with us. Our situation worked out, in other words, after a very rancorous situation that occurred many years ago, with our father.

I hope some resolution comes soon. Your mother's suicidal tendencies need to be spoken to the proper authorities. That should get the ball rolling, at any rate.

Please keep us posted as to how things are going.

Best wishes to you,

Monica St John

7/ 6/10 1:58pm

It has been a couple of weeks since I posted anything. My father is back in another psychiatric hospital due to aggression and violence on my mother. He will not be returning home this time. I am working with the social workers to get him placed in a nursing home. My mother has asked me to handle this for her. My family has split on these issues. My oldest sister and my brother that comes after me both verbally abused my mother last week and have not spoken to her since. She is hurting right now becaused they turned against her. My youngest sister and I have assured her that we will be there to support her in everything. My youngest brother is basically on the fence although he did state that he won't have anyone attacking my mother verbally or otherwise. I am praying that the time will come when we can all work this out for my mother's sake. I really appreciate being able to air my feelings on this website and I am thankful for the feedback that I have received. Please continue to give me feedback and keep my family in your prayers.

7/ 6/10 2:57pm

Hi Monica,

I think your Mom made the right decision to let you help her to put your Dad in the nursing home. It is good. As to other siblings, I think they shoud understand this is your Mom's decision because she lived with him and took the violence from him. Do they want to offer their house for their Dad? If not, they should have no business to abuse your Mom for wanting your Dad to stay home to continue to abuse your Mom.

Hope you will get a good home. My father-in-law is going to this assisted living home for late Alzheimer's in late July so I understand the situation. It is lots of work to move and make arrangements.

Take care,

Nina

Family Conflict in dealing with dementia.

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