Dear Dorian,

This is an interesting post.  I appreciate your taking the time to explain this idea to us here.  I can see, from what you've said, how it can help a situation in a family meeting were someone to show the family this conceptual framing and were the family members then selecting someone to help negotiate the decision-making.

I think what can happen with families - or, what can happen in *my* family - is that the siblings end up with heightened emotions when the decisions need to be made, and some resort to the behaviors they used years ago, when they were kids.  This is what happened when we needed to address the situation with our mother, who could no longer live alone.  By not participating with the discussions, especially when they became heated (and my older sister wanted to be "the boss" and tell us all my mother "should be in a home" [which she has insisted on for years]), I ended up being the person wearing the blue hat.  As it turned out, we all ended up agreeing quickly, once it became clear that my mother was welcome in our home.  My mother now understands (and has expressed this understanding) that her only option for remaining in someone's home was to come here. She has a terrible (and unfounded) fear of nursing homes. Knowing that all her daughters agreed that this was best for her helped her become accustomed to the idea of moving in with us and selling her home.

I think my point is that sometimes we adopt certain roles (or hats), based on the situation on the ground rather than based on our personality styles.  I can honestly say I have worn all of these hats at some point or other in my life.  I can't say I'm always the blue hat wearer, in other words. Being the informed moderator has worked for me in certain situations related to my work, and probably now, it's how my colleagues would describe me.  It's a learned method, however, learned because of the nature of the committee work I have had to perform.  (Being dispassionate can be stressful for me!)

I think the most crucial elements in making decisions relate to each person's recognizing that 1) his or her own position might disagree with others' views (and that does *not* make all others the enemy), and 2) his or her position will likely be based on personal experience, whether with the family or whatever.  My sisters and I were best able to negotiate our differences when we were able to accept that our sometimes disputative responses were being based on old family relations/feelings that needed revision and based on lack of real knowledge about one another's relations with our mother.

I think if siblings can get over the old family dynamics, the decision-making will go more smoothly.  If they can involve their parent (or the one needing care) in the decision-making, this is optimal.  Maybe by understanding the "hat" line of thinking, they can more quickly come to understanding (and accepting) their differences of opinion and come to realize that their parent's life is more important than old family differences.

Thanks for posting this!