"Away From Her": A Caregiver's Response

By Dorian Martin, Health Guide Thursday, July 05, 2007

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"Away From Her" is a new movie about what happens to a loving relationship when Alzheimer's disease intervenes. The movie's Web site, offers the following synopsis:"Married for almost 50 years, Grant's (Gordon Pinsent) and Fiona's (Julie Christie) commitment to each other appe...

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"Away From Her": A Caregiver's Response (Part 2)

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Leah, Health Guide

7/ 5/07 3:59pm

Thank you for your report regarding the movie. I think it is one I will not see. Just the thought of what my husband will have to go through with me in the future sickens me. You see, we both feel that our relationship is a gift from God. Having been married only 2 1/2 years now, I am so very upset that our good years will be cut short. Some people may say that God sent my husband--a wonderful, kind, gentle man--to care for me... If I had known what was ahead, I am not sure that I would have allowed him to marry me... I just don't want to put him through the many rough years to come...

On the other hand, here we are. He and I will make the best of what normal time there is. I am still trying to learn to crochet, though my attention span is quite short which makes completing a project difficult. I work crosswords, read and reread books...

I can imagine that "Away From Her" is probably a very moving story...I just wish I wasn't living it.

JOAN

7/ 6/07 10:28am

YOUR MARRIAGE IS A GIFT FROM GOD AND WAS MEANT TO BE. A LOVE LIKE YOURS DOESN'T COME ALONG EVERYDAY. TAKE IT AS SUCH AND TRY TO TURN YOUR HELPLESSNESS AND FEELINGS OVER TO GOD. GET ON WITH WHAT LIFE IS LEFT AND BE FOREVER GRATEFUL FOR "THIS GIFT OF LOVE." THAT IS HOW I FEEL WITH MY HUSBAND, NOW IN A NURSING HOME FOR ONE YEAR, WITH OUR ANNIVERSARY COMING UP JULY 26. LAST JULY 26, HE DID NOT KNOW ME AND THOUGHT HIS WIFE JUST UP AND LEFT HIM. THIS ANNIVERSARY HE KNOWS ME PERIODICALLY, HOWEVER BRIEF AND HIS AGRESSIONS AND ASKING TO COME HOME ARE NOW GONE. I PLAN TO SPEND THE NIGHT TOGETHER AT "HIS PLACE" WITH TWO BEDS PUSHED TOGETHER, BATTERY OPERATED CANDLES, ORDER OUT FOR OUR DINNER, BUBBLY GRAPE JUICE IN OUR ORIGINAL "CHAMPAGNE" GLASSES FROM OUR WEDDING DAY, AND JUST BE IN EACH OTHER'S ARMS. I AM REALISTIC ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT HE WON'T REMEMBER THIS, BUT I WILL. I WILL PROBABLY BE WALKING THE HALLS WITH HIM AS WELL, AS THAT IS WHAT HE DOES, EVER SO SLOWLY. BUT WE WILL BE TOGETHER AND I DON'T THINK HE WILL BE HERE NEXT JULY 26.

JOAN...CAREGIVER

Leah, Health Guide

7/ 6/07 11:05am

Your response gave me goosebumps, Joan. THank you so much...so very much. I know we need to spend each day as best we can, and we do. I feel sad sometimes knowing that eventually I won't feel this same love for him. When we married, I looked forward to growing old and grouchy with him...though the grouchy part I never expected to happen. Your anniversary night sounds wonderful. I hope it fills you with wonderful memories.

And I hope you will respond so that we may have some type of learning/living relationship online. May God bless you and your husband.

Leah

JOAN

7/ 6/07 2:03pm

HI LEAH, I AM SO HAPPY THAT I MADE YOU FEEL SOMEWHAT BETTER. I WILL CERTAINTLY LET YOU KNOW HOW OUR "HONEYMOON" (AS THE STAFF CALLS IT) GOES. IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO GET FEEDBACK FROM "BEEN THERE, DONE THAT."
AND GIVE OTHERS HOPE IN THIS TIME OF GRIEF. I AM STILL GRIEVING, AND HAVING TO MAKE LOTS OF DECISIONS ABOUT MOVING, ETC.. AND IT IS SCARY TO ME. BUT I HAVE THREE MARRIED CHILDREN AND LOTS OF FRIENDS. I KEEP A JOURNAL ON MY COMPUTER AND WRITE IN IT A LOT. THAT HELPS ME SO MUCH TO JUST GET MY FEELINGS OUT IN BLACK AND WHITE TO READ. TRY THAT IF YOU CAN. I JUST WROTE A "REFLECTIONS OF MY THOUGHTS", LAST WEEK. MAYBE I SHOULD POST IT SO EVERYONE CAN READ IT. BUT IT IS SO LONG, BUT SO MANY QUESTIONS DOWN ON PAPER, BUT VERY RELEVANT TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US GOING THROUGH THIS.

TAKE CARE OF YOU,
JOAN

JOAN

7/ 6/07 10:15am

MY HUSBAND AND I WILL BE MARRIED FIFTY FIVE YEARS ON JULY 26. HE HAS BEEN IN A NURSING HOME WITH ALZHEIMER'S FOR ONE YEAR THIS JULY 24. I WAS HIS CAREGIVER FOR MANY YEARS, NOT REALIZING WHAT WAS WRONG, LIKE THE MOVIE, "AWAY FROM HER". I SLIPPED INTO THE MOVIE ALONE, WITH POPCORN AND A PEPSI AS I KNEW I WOULD PROBABLY CRY AND DIDN'T WANT ANYONE ELSE THERE. HOWEVER, THE MOVIE WAS PULLING ME THERE TO SEE FOR SOME REASON AND I COULD NOT IGNORE IT. IT WAS A STUNNING MOVIE, BUT I FELT IT REALLY WASN'T SO MUCH A TRUE CONCEPT OF THE PAIN AND SUFFERING OF A CAREGIVER, AND ALSO OF ONE ENTERING A FACILITY. NOT FROM MY EXPERIENCE WITH MY HUSBAND ANYWAY. THE MOVIE WAS BENIGN, WITHOUT THE MAJOR HURDLES ONE GOES THROUGH: ALL THE EMOTIONS, HOPELESSNESS, HELPLESSNESS. BUT, THEN AGAIN, MY HUSBAND BECAME VERY AGRESSIVE, DIDN'T THINK THERE WAS ANYTHING WRONG WITH HIM....NOT ALZHEIMER'S FOR SURE. EVEN THOUGH HE HAD BEEN DIAGNOSED FOR FIVE YEARS AND ON MEDICATION. HIS CARE WAS TAKEN OUT OF MY HANDS WHEN THINGS GOT OUT OF CONTROL AND THE POLICE HAD TO BE CALLED. MY CHILDREN WERE VERY AFRAID FOR ME, BUT I WASN'T.....UNTIL THAT FATEFUL DAY HE WAS TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL. SO, I GUESS THE MOVIE WAS TO MUCH A FAIRY TALE FOR ME AS FIONA WILLINGLY WANTED TO GO TO A FACILITY, SHE WAS CONTENT THERE AND TRANSPOSED HER FEELINGS TO SOMEONE ELSE. I DIDN'T SEE THE TRUE DEVASTATION THAT ONE INCURS FROM EITHER ONE OF THEM. IT WAS SUCH A LIFE ALTERING SITUATION IN MY CASE. I DID CRY IN PLACES IN THE MOVIE OF COURSE, AND FELT A DEJU VU MANY TIMES, BUT IT LACKED DEPTH TO ME FROM BOTH CHARACTERS. I WISH MORE MOVIES WOULD COME OUT. I DID READ THE BOOK AT BARNES AND NOBLES OF "THE BEAR CAME OVER THE MOUNTAIN". THE MOVIE WAS WRITTEN FROM THIS BOOK. THANKS FOR LETTING ME EXPRESS MY "CRITIQUE".

JOAN....CAREGIVER

Leah, Health Guide

7/ 6/07 1:38pm

Dear Joan,

In some ways I wish that my husband would go to see the movie as I believe he is in denial of my condition--or he is just shielding me concerning his feelings of concern. Is there any way I can prepare him for the position of "care giver"?

We are going away for the weekend so I will not be able to respond until Sunday night. PLease take care and God bless.

Leah

JOAN

7/ 6/07 2:20pm

HI AGAIN LEAH,
JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT OF COURSE YOUR HUSBAND IS IN DENIAL. IT IS A COMMON THING TO BE IN!! WHAT WILL HELP YOUR HUSBAND IS RESEARCH AND ALZHEIMER'S SUPPORT GROUP MEETINGS ONCE A MONTH. ALSO SUBSCRIBE TO A FREE SITE THAT WAS RECOMMENDED TO ME BY MY ALZHEIMER'S FACILITATOR. IT IS CULLED FROM SO MANY PLACES AROUND THE WORLD OF NEW TRIALS, DRUGS, KNOWLEDGE IS SO IMPORTANT. AND IT'S SO HELPFUL TO ME AND STILL IS. I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS WEBSITE WE ARE ON AND I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT IT.
THE WEBSITE IS...AgelessD@aol.com
I THINK IT WILL HELP YOU BOTH.

GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU,
JOAN

Leah, Health Guide

7/ 8/07 9:43pm

Hi, Joan. I hope you've had a blessful weekend. Mine wore me out. Slept the two hours home and then a couple of more hours once home.

I am going to try that website you suggested. I go tomorrow to see my neurologist. Might gain a little info. She'll be checking on the new meds I'm taking, too.

I heard some discouraging news while on our way home. Seems that the elderly are not being seen as anything but a ... liability, that whether the elderly are being cared for in a kind and considerate manner is not going to be as important to our society as was once felt by society. I probably didn't write that in the most comprehensive way as my thoughts are a little jumbled. I know what I want to say inside and just can't "spell it out" so that you might understand it. Sorry.

It's after 9 and I am tired. Thank you for all your kindness. May God bless you and your husband.

Leah

Leah, Health Guide

7/ 9/07 4:45am

Hi, Joan. I tried to go to AgelessD@aol.com and the screen told me to check the spelling. Perhaps I didn't get the correct spelling?

"Away From Her": A Caregiver's Response

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