I am having a hard time with my Mom because she keeps asking for my Dad and can't understand why he doesn't come to visit her especially when she was in the hospital recently. (Dad passed away in 1999) I don't know how to answer her. Most people tell me just to say he is working or something not to keep telling her over and over he is gone.
Has anyone else had this issue and how did you handle it?
thank you
Hi, June,
I have had a similar experience where Mom has asked about someone who has passed way (most often it's her parents). I normally say something like "You know, I haven't seen them in awhile either." Then I try to ask some questions that get her to change the subject. But I don't tell Mom that her parents have died; her reality at this point isn't based on living in August 2007. Instead, she's living in whatever timeframe and location that her damaged mind has placed her in that moment.
For instance, I recently visited with Mom while she was still laying down in bed after a morning nap. I asked her what she had been doing that day. She said she has been working all morning in the orchard (the plot of land that her parents used to have right next door to their home where they grew fruit trees and vegetables). Never mind that my grandparents sold their house and that plot of land in the late 1970s, and both had passed away by the mid-to-late 1980s. In Mom's mind, she was out working in that yard and eating "white apples" and would see her parents later that day. So I just kept talking to her about what was in the orchard, and not about the status of her parents.
So my suggestion to you is to go with the flow and not try to correct your mother with the news that her husband has died. Instead, figure out how to "bridge" the conversation so that you can move it from a topic that you don't want to talk about (the current status of your father) to a topic that you both would enjoy visiting about (like a family vacation or a funny family story).
Take care!
Dorian
Thank you Dorian I was so worried about that. That is exactly how I have been handling that but did not want to give her any false ideas. This is new to me I have been taking care of her since February of 2006 and she is of course getting worse and worse.
This is such a sad mental illness. I think when my Dad does come to visit Mom will leave us permanetly.
Going along with a dementia sufferer's delusion is indeed a delicate business. You don't want to get caught at it.
During the winter of 1998-1999, near the end of my mom's life, she didn't always know who I was when I went to visit her. Much of the time, she seemed to be living in about 1935. Sometimes she would snap back to the present very suddenly.
During one of her 1935 episodes, she remarked that her sister Frances (dead since 1959) had come to visit her. She said I must have seen Frances in the hall on my way in. I merely said I was sorry that I hadn't. It was true as far as it went. Mom stayed serene and was soon back in 1999 again. Fortunately, I hadn't said anything that didn't ring true in either year.
thank-you, I needed reminding that she just doesn't know how to keep up the flow in conversation. My Mother always had a rich imagination and told some whoppers in her day. She saw it as socially acceptable embroidery of her tales, I saw it as lies. With the Alzhiemers it has worsened and the lies are astronomical. your artical reminded me that now she cannot reason normally and not to push the issue ( which my sense of Justice tends to want to do)
Featuring Content From:
By using this service, you accept our Terms of Use. Please read them. The consumer health information on is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. You should promptly seek professional medical care if you have any concern about your health, and you should always consult your physician before starting a fitness regimen. Copyright © 2013 Remedy Health Media, LLC. All Rights Reserved.
10 Signs of Alzheimer's 
12 Ways to Slow Mental Decline 
10 Ways to Protect Your Brain Against Alzheimer’s 
10 Things to Do After an Alzheimer's Diagnosis 
Thank you for the feedback. This type of reply is really hard to do, though, since you have to be mentally flexible and willing to stay in the moment in the conversation (and also give up any need to control). My dad still has trouble coming up with responses to these types of conversations. At times, his responses trigger emotional outbursts in Mom, but he's gotten a lot better in this area from where he was two years ago. It's an unfortunate case where "practice makes perfect," but it's an important skill to learn.
Take care!
Dorian