This is very hard. I am 52 years old, my recently diagnosed husband is 62. He has had symptoms for the past 4 years. We have 2 college age daughters. My first husband died from diabetes. I have been trying like crazy to figure out how this is different from my first husband. If I had left him (at age 26) I would have been thought to be horrible. How is it now okay for now for me to leave my second husband?? Just because it is Alzheimers?
I think that losing someone, regardless of how, is painful. Sometimes you just have to make friends with pain and take care of your beloved. I don't like what life has thown my way....I didn't at 26 with my first husband...but it is what it is....don't get married if you are not willing to stay with them when it is rough. My husband didn't dump me when I had really hard-bedridden-pregnancies...
My mother in law died from Alzheimers. My father in law was devoted. He did had a friend that we all loved (whose husband died from Alzheimers). He never betrayed his wife, never abandoned her. He just ate breakfast daily with his friend and she helped him take care of his wife. No more, no less.
We cannot have everything we would like to have. We have to make peace with that. Our spouse certainly do. I would hate to add to the pain that my husband is already dealing with by deserting him.
Further, I am a Christian...I have never found anything in Scripture that backs this up...someone please help me to understand.
Dear Rick's Wife,
Your response gave me goosebumps and brought tears to my eyes. You are living a Christ-like life which I find to be more to my liking than that of those who choose to get out and find a new "significant other" when the tough times come. When times get tough, I ask myself WWCD...What Would Christ Do? Though the answer is sometimes--usually, that is--not easy, I find it the correct direction to go.
Please check out my blog, on this site: Leah. It may give you some insight into what your husband is going through.
God bless you as you care for your husband.
Leah
I agree that "one size fits all is wrong" - there are too many nuances - however, the vast majority of couples that I know stick it out. People do still have a feeling of connection - or at least they may have, even when they seem completely "out of it." We just don't know how much people are aware of.
With Alzhiemer's looming so large in the public landscape, it would likely be good for younger couples to discuss these things early - such as "If I got AD at a young age, declined cognitively very quickly and didn't know you, but I lived for another 15 years because I was young and otherwise healthy, I would want you to ....."
Most people won't do this. And most AD is still among the elderly. I'd say the majority of those folks stick with the marriage - until death - at least at this time.
Carol
Hi, Rick's Wife,
Thank you so much for your response. I think that you've made the decision that's right for you and I wholeheartedly applaud you for it.
I think that Alzheimer's is such a difficult disease. There are so many difficult decisions related to it, whether it's the vows of marriage or the right to die. For instance, my mom cared for her mother, who had undiagnosed dementia, until her death. After watching Grandma basically lose all ability to function, Mom turned to me and made me swear that if she exhibited signs of Alzheimer's, I'd take her to the desert, let her out of the car, and drive away, letting her walk away to die. When that time came, I didn't do that; as a friend pointed out, in our society, that would be called murder. But I have often mulled her wishes and realized that if our society had approved of assisted suicide, then I would have helped Mom carry out her wishes because of my love for her. I know that I have friends who totally disagree with me on this position, but again, I feel it comes down to what the loved one wants.
I can tell you that after talking to Barry Petersen and reading his book, it's obvious that Jan has been the love of his life. But for him to go on with his life and to be able to function, he finally realized that he had to move past the guilt and instead embrace his need for a relationship. He's still married to Jan, but he's been able to start reclaiming his life and do a better job caring for Jan because of Mary Beth. I'd encourage you to read his book if you get a chance.
Therefore, I agree with Carol that couples should have the conversation about the "what ifs" during their marriage, especially since Alzheimer's looms large over our society.
Take care and stay in touch!
Dorian
Rick's wife,
I am a Christian too. I believe the part that talks about love in the bible is the best part for a couple. Love is patience, love is no jealousy and etc...
I personally believe, like you, if we marry, we marry for sickness and for health and until death. Unfortunately the divorce rate is high these days too. People don't stick to it anymore. In the old times, people just died naturally and no one survived as long as 10 to 20 years given today's modern medical technology. So at that time, this issue was not so important. More likely people like this were dying poorly at that time.
Anyway, the difference between dementia and diabetes or even cancer is, with dementia, the spouse does not know you anymore and does not appreciate you anymore. They do this because of the disease. For early onset AD, many spouses cannot stand the loneliness and bitterness of the disease. It is very stressful for the spouses like you. Sometimes it takes so long like 5 to 10 years! Cancer makes one either die in 6 months or go in remission. I am a cancer survivor and I am not a burden to my husband in terms if the disease now. Diabetes is bad but their brain is intact and remember you and the family and the past. They appreciate your help.
I strongly believe people who leave the sick spouses because they don't have the strength and ability to deal with it. So if they find someone else, I don't blame them. However, I know there are many strong spouses who can take it and endure it. Older spouses don't bother to marry again so it is OK too for them. Some elderlys allows the adults kids to take over the caregiving for the sick elders with dementia.
If one is strong with faith, I believe it is Ok for some spouses to be alone. Many friends of mine are single and have lived a happy single life without mates. It is the person's choice. But I don't judge those people who have to leave the sick spouses.
Hugs,
Nina
Featuring Content From:
By using this service, you accept our Terms of Use. Please read them. The consumer health information on is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. You should promptly seek professional medical care if you have any concern about your health, and you should always consult your physician before starting a fitness regimen. Copyright © 2012 Remedy Health Media, LLC. All Rights Reserved.
Dorian,
I agreed with that the marriage like this is difficult and the decision is personal. It is not about adultery or divorce. However, most people just disgareed with his tone about one size fits all and all that. He should at least state that it is personal. It is not up to him to tell the person to get divorced. Also the person with dementia/Alzheimer's is not dead - the person is severely disabled. It would be nice if they don't call my FIL who is in stage 7 a dead person.
Nina
Nina,
I agree with you! The person with dementia is not dead. And I wish Mr. Robertson had made a better statement. But I think we as a society can use his comments to begin to think about the terrible situation that Alzheimer's puts married couples (as well as partners and families) in. It's a conversation worth having publicly.
Take care!
Dorian