If You're a Caregiver, Find a Mentor

The holiday season always seems like the perfect time to express gratitude for what we've been given. Obviously, this year has been especially difficult due to the decline of my mother, who died in September of Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD) and Alzheimer's disease. Still, I find that I am especially thankful for the life lessons that have come from having taken on the caregiving role and I am also grateful for the tremendous support that I've received from family, friends, and this community.

As we approach this holiday season, I'd like to take the liberty of expressing my gratitude in this share post for everyone who has provided such wonderful support for me.I especially want to give thanks for three special people who "mentored" me through the two years I spent providing care for Mom.

These three - Anna, Debbie, and Amy - had significant experience being knee-deep in the care giving trenches on a daily basis for family and friends. Each came at care giving from a different perspective, but what they taught me was very valuable and helped me think about what type of caregiver I wanted to be. Each provided sound advice when I was stumped and they were also always available to commiserate or to provide a pep talk when I just needed to vent.

Let me tell you a little bit about them and why they are special - and why I'd encourage those of you who are family caregivers to find similar types of people to serve as your guide on your care giving journey.

Anna: Teaching Lessons About Family and Compassion for the Elderly

Many of you who have read my columns over the past two years have heard about Anna. First of all, let me tell you that my mom loved Anna dearly; I think she would have adopted her in a New York minute. I'd even go as far as saying that Anna and Mom were "soul mates" after their first meeting in the 1990s.

So when Mom was safely situated in the hospital emergency room in September 2005 after having an uncharacteristically violent emotional outburst (this was immediately prior to her diagnosis with Alzheimer's), Anna was the first person I called for help. Sitting on the sidewalk stoop in front of the emergency room driveway, I was in emotional shock, not sure which way to turn. I knew that Anna was one of two friends at that point who had dealt with frail parents, so I punched her phone number into my cell phone.

While navigating through a fast-food drive-through to pick up lunch for a group of co-workers on that bright September day, Anna tried to calm me down. She asked about the background information on what was happening with Mom, coached me on what to ask the doctors, inquired when my father would arrive, and tried to help me think about what might be ahead.

Once Mom was placed in a nursing home, Anna always made time during our visits to have long conversations about care giving that led to key insights for me. From these heart-to-heart exchanges, Anna taught me critical lessons about family issues related to care giving, as well as the deep compassion needed to do care giving well.