If You're a Caregiver, Find a Mentor

A warm and caring woman who worked for many years as an elementary educator, Anna (with the support of her husband) moved her mother into their home when her mother's health failed. Although Anna's mom didn't have Alzheimer's, there were still emotional outbursts that tried their mother/daughter relationship. From these tales, I learned how to put up an "invisible" barrier that would allow my mother's angry outbursts (all due to Alzheimer's) to bounce off my psyche without ripping apart the strong relationship that my mother and I had built over 40 years.

Furthermore, Anna's stories of how she had to come to grips with the dynamics within her family (one of her siblings lives in the same city, but wasn't always available to assist with caregiving duties) provided me with the insight to see how these caregiving issues could affect familial bonds, in both positive and negative ways. I determined at that point that I needed to find ways to involve my father (who at that point lived in another city at a distance) and brother (who lived in another state), so I would not end up feeling put-upon because they wouldn't hold up their ends of the bargain.

Anna's role-modeling extended in other ways in that she cherished her time spent with elderly friends. She actively helped to take care of two elderly neighbors during their final years, stepping into the role of volunteer caregiver in both cases. She chose to take over situations in which their families couldn't or wouldn't assume the primary care giving role. One of these elderly friends, Lorraine, died at home in 2006 from dementia with Anna by her side. During the two years that Mom was at the nursing home, Anna made it a point to make the several hour-long trips to see my mother at the nursing home. She always used this time to hug Mom warmly, ask questions and tell stories, and bring some trinket or lotion (as well as her quick-witted husband) to brighten Mom's day.

Debbie: Teaching Lessons About Organizing One's Life to Provide Care

The other person I called for advice when Mom was in the emergency room in September 2005 was my long-time friend, Debbie. She had been through caregiving with both of her parents (neither of whom had dementia). In fact, Debbie was the sibling who remained off the professional fast track in order to organize the caregiving so that the family could keep their parents at home.

An accountant by training, she had been trying to find which professional path to take when her parents became frail; however, I believe that she quickly found one of her callings - caregiving - because it was thrust on her. She quickly learned what needed to happen and became "a natural" in confronting these important situations that her parents faced.

Because Debbie had organized her parents' last years, her advice was so valuable because she had firsthand knowledge of the fragmented medical services, the challenge of finding good caregivers, and the ongoing necessity of demanding excellent care. Although Mom was too medically frail to remain at home due to her failing lungs, I took Debbie's lessons to heart in standing up to the nursing home staff when Mom's care wasn't up to par.