If You're a Caregiver, Find a Mentor

I also learned from Debbie's experience the importance of taking time for oneself. Debbie always tried to find a bit of time during her multiple years of caregiving, whether to go on a week-long vacation or to spend two hours catching a movie. These efforts to find breaks (in whatever way possible) helped her maintain the stamina necessary for the caregiving experience. Her example gave me permission to make my own self-care a priority while taking care of Mom.

As one of four siblings, Debbie also had family dynamics to deal with. Her tales of negotiating a four-way agreement with her brothers and sister about her parents' care giving issues provided a good model for me in how to tend to the important family relationships, keep the communication lines open, and also to make sure that the loved one's care takes precedence.

Amy: Teaching Lessons on How to Let Go of Control

It was almost eight months after Mom was diagnosed that I started having conversations with Amy. A professional colleague and friend who also had been an elementary school teacher and counselor, Amy had dealt with all of the issues related to Alzheimer's because her mother had spent her last years with this disease. Additionally, Amy had to negotiate the challenges of ensuring quality care at her mother's retirement community.

My conversations with Amy almost always had a "been there, done that" quality. For instance, my mom wouldn't let the nurse's aide help her brush her teeth during the last six months or so. When we expressed concerns to the nursing home staff about Mom's foul breath, the staff members reported that they were worried that if they tried to force her to brush her teeth, Mom would bite down on the toothbrush and then swallow it.

 Amy related that her mother had a similar experience. This proved to be a pattern; most of my mother's experiences matched up with what Amy's mother went through. And Amy's advice was always sound in helping me determine the best care-giving path for my mother.

And Amy knew, better than most of my friends, the downward spiral that was coming. This past summer, I had a long visit with Amy about Mom's medical situation. Amy looked at me and said, "I hope this isn't out of line, but it's time for her to go. She needs to move on." By saying that, Amy planted the seed that I needed to comprehend. The end was near, and I needed to begin to process the idea that I was going to need to let go. The final goodbye was on the horizon.

I could see Mom's physical struggles with my own eyes, but moving out of the denial phase - that all was OK and Mom wasn't dying - wasn't easy. But slowly, I began to see what was forthcoming, started emotionally giving Mom permission to go when the time was right, and started contemplating what life without Mom would be like.

Lessons in Being Grateful

In late September, Mom died. During the next weeks, I had an opportunity to talk to a lot of my family members and friends. Each person had played an important role in my support structure while I was providing care for my mom.