Dear Dorian,

Your reflections on remembering -- but missing -- your Mom have prompted personal reminiscences by members of our team and recollections of conversations with callers. These caregivers are often seeking help in moving their grieving processes along or in finding a context for feelings that keep surprising them.

Many cultures have long-standing formal grieving rituals to deal with the first week or the first year following a death. Recently, some counselors have been encouraging people to follow through defined stages of grieving, analogous to Kubler-Ross' five stages of dying. Two years ago, the writer Joan Didion articulated her experiences as a new widow of astonishing, unpredictable feelings in a book and play titled "The Year of Magical Thinking."

We counsel people to follow feelings rather than ignore feelings but not to expect a predictable path through grief. Alzheimer's disease and other dementia conditions are likely to provide emotional surprises for surviving loved ones. Death following a slow progressive disease may offer advantages versus surprise deaths. You get repeated opportunities to express your love during the "time capsule" process --- you get to do some grieving and say goodbye during the gradual decline of your loved one. You also get to cue and share reminiscences.

Although there's no timetable, I'm predicting a long-term diminution of "Halloween" images with an expansion of warm Thanksgiving type reminiscences as you continue to enjoy many memorable holidays with your Mom.