I am the eldest of three girls. My relationship with my mother most of my life was dismal. But as was I separated it came down to me looking after my mom who has alzheimers. I live in her home with my teenage son who she picks on every chance she gets. She causes no end of trouble with my sisters over my son who has the patience of a saint with her.

She has always been one strong woman and alzheimers has not dimmed that one little bit so here we sit in misery.

One sister takes mum every third weekend and is busy telling all who will listen she takes mum on weekends...a very convenient oversight by lack of information, letting others  assume she does her duty every weekend. She works and told me when mom dies I can go out a get a job like the rest of them. I am on social benefits and hate it. I left my beautiful job to come and look after mom. I turn 60 next year.

The other sister who lives in a town a few hours away has takens mom three times, twice for a week and once for three weeks. She runs her family business and says she is too busy and of my two sisters is the most genuine in helping out.

This has been going on for two years at Christmas and I am tired...oh so tired. I am resentful as my mom is an old cow who gives it to me every chance she gets. Nothing I do pleases her. That is one thing that has never changed in my life. I am supposed to be a caring loving daughter and all I feel is resentment and a lack of love. I wonder how I ended up here.

Even though I live in misery I don't feel she is quite ready for a nursing home. I am caught between guilt and doing my duty but I am so stressed. I got shingles recently after having a cold and it seems all sorts of illnesses befall me at the moment. Emergency appendectomy etc. etc. I know it is all to do with stress. I am finding it hard to make decisions and just to get through each day.

Whe do we know when our parents are ready for a nursing home and how do we get over the guilt of placing them there?

Dorian Martin

9/26/08 7:48am

Hi, Patti,

 

I am so sorry about the situation you face. Caregiving takes more effort than people realize, and often becomes a thankless task.

 

I'd suggest that your health is telling you that some changes need to be made. Compromising your heath is not worth the tradeoff and will not help anyone - your mother, your son, your sisters, and, most importantly, you. I hope that you will commit to finding time for yourself, perhaps through taking your mom to an adult day care or having a home health care aide come in and sit with your mom while you take a break.

 

As far as a nursing home is concerned, I'd talk to your mom's doctor and see what he recommends. The doctor might be able to tell you if your mom needs a nursing home or whether an assisted living facility would be better. And you may want to check whether there is a facility specifically for people with Alzheimer's in your area. Once you get a recommendation, go visit the facility and talk to the person who is in charge of admissions. That should start getting the ball rolling in moving your mom at some point.

 

As for the guilt, I totally understand. Putting my mother in the nursing home was the worst day of my life.  However, once Mom was placed in that facility, I found that I still was a caregiver in that I was over at the nursing home regularly and was always on call when issues arose. However, with that said, once Mom was in the nursing home, I was able to get my arms around my life again. I found that I had time to focus on getting the physical, emotional and professional areas of my life back in balance which resulted in a return of resilience which enabled me to be a better caregiver. And I found that strained relationships (especially between my father and mother) actually improved once Mom was in a safe, caring, structured environment. These positive outcomes soon outweighed the initial guilt of placing Mom in the nursing home.

 

I hope this helps. Take care and keep us posted!

 

Dorian