I could barely read as I read your story from the tears, I cry as I write this because I to am the primary care giver for the love of my life. I have watched as this man I love lost both legss to PAD. In the beginning before acceptancr I kept telling his doctors he was having problems with his memory and behavior because he wasn't wearing his oxygen like he was told. He had COPD at the time, my doctor told use during an appointment over two years ago she had to tell many patients and thier families the diagnosis she had to tell us but but it was not lack of oxygen that was wrong with him, it was Alzheimers she had suspected for over a year. She did all the test to comfirm it I had still held out believing it was oxygen or lack of that was causing the changes in him. The next visit a week later she confirmed it and started him on medication. I kept tunnel vision for almost two years this man I loved this couldn't be happening to, I stayed with this until about three months ago even on medication for this disease my mind just couldn't seem to accept it. I have watched him change and I have watched him disappear more each day. I thought when I had to sign the papers for the doctors to remove his legs was the worst thing that could happen to us, it wasn't this is. Until it happens to you or the one you love you don't understand. I have sat by his bed and prayed so many times during each illness and prayed for God to save him and just let us have a little more time together, he has but now this. I sit by his bed now and pray for acceptance and strength to continue on. In the beginning I promised to never let him spend even one day in a nursing home but I now see that may not be a promise i can keep. He weighs 150 lbs and i weigh 105. I have had to lift him and pick him up many times I know in my heart that the day is coming I will no longer be able to do this. Ray still has his times of rational thinking and has told me he fears becoming abusive because he was a trained soldier. He is abusive at times with his mouth  but I know it is the disease. This man I love is a christian and as time has passed I have heard words come out of his mouth I never thought I would hear, I know it is the disease but it still hurts to hear and watch. I will love him forever and will continue to keep him with me as long as it is safe for both of us. I gained the strength from joining this site and people that share thier stories with me. I am so sorry you are living with and sharing the pain you are going through, I can see from my own life with my  own heart and eyes what you must be feeling because you see I am living the same life different story same disease. My grand daughter suggested I rent or buy the movie AWAY FROM HER, I did, I cried through the whole movie it mirrors what we are going through, if someone is living with this try to watch it. This movie is one of the last great love stories. When your lover is going through this you realize there isn't much you aren't willing to sacrafice for your soul mate. Living in the last great love story. Thank you so much for sharing. If I can help in any way please let me know. From a friend that shares your pain. Connie  

KATHY WALKER

10/ 6/08 8:44am

Connie, this was a love story I wrote for my mom & dad.  This horrible disease has consumed our family for almost a decade now and seems to be coming to an end.  My mother's careful attention and seemingly tireless caregiving has been both a thing of beauty and trepidation to watch......beauty, because of the deep love which has always been obvious between the two of them and trepidation, because this disease is our legacy now and I fear someone else in our family will have to go through this same terrible process down the line, unless research finds a cure for Alzheimer's.

 

I feel your pain and will keep you and your husband in my prayers---there are SO many of us out there!  Kathy

Connie Moore

10/ 6/08 9:03am

Thank you Kathy the one thing I have learned is prayers are answered maybe not as we chose but always for the best. As your mother no matter what we face I will have the memories of the true love he and I have shared. This seems to be another chapter in our love story, even if I had know this disease would come my only regrets would be letting life invade on our love and hanging on tighter to each and every little memory. I am the memory keeper now thats his memory is going. I make sure each day many times a day to share a memory with him and tell him constanly and no matter what I will always love him forever. Connie