We loved ones are not alone!

Bill Hirdman is life loving,music loving, beach lover, and a good friend Caregiver I'm a caregiver for my mother, I am 45 single, I love the ocean and... Send Message Subscribe: Bill Hirdman

Friday, October 30, 2009
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I came on tonight to post about feelings and family, both good and bad. I instantly saw a posting by Diane W.. Thank you for your words and the find on the book. Also, I am so sorry but yet releived to hear about your mom.. Releived do to the fact that I am the one that is in ...

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You've lost your mom
Carol Bradley Bursack
Saturday, October 31, 2009 at 01:15 PM

Bill, you have normal, understandable feelings, Many people look at the suffering of a parent they love and wish that parent could just die. You are torn and normal. Who wants to watch this kind of suffering?

I write and speak openly about the grief and releif that an elder's death generally brings, because I've been there and experienced all of these things. Most caregivers understand your feelings, though not all would speak them (or write them) for others. You are doing a great kindness when you let others know your painful, conflicted feelings.

Take care of yourself,

Carol

re: You've lost your mom
Bill Hirdman
Saturday, October 31, 2009 at 01:41 PM

Thanks Carol, I know sometimes brutal honesty is just what I need. I really want those of us that think they are alone in this to know that we ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS.. And if I can say or write anything that will help someone else the way everyone has helped me, well then by goly I am going to do just that!!!

HUGS

re: re: You've lost your mom
Carol Bradley Bursack
Saturday, October 31, 2009 at 02:14 PM

We all have raw emotion inside of us. You express what many feel, thus helping others. Thank you.

Carol

My Mom told me often... "You're a good daughter, Gail."
Diane W
Tuesday, November 03, 2009 at 11:39 AM

Bill,

While my stress, frustration, and exhaustion is over...I am very aware that there are still caregiver's out there (like you) that are still struggling daily with the journey through Alzheimer's with a loved one. From what I have read on this site,....we all are doing our best. Some caregiver's have help and a strong support system. Other's (like you) have had to carry the brunt of the weight on their own shoulders. We make mistakes and we even do things that are selfless and very wonderful too. And guess what, we get up and do it again the next day. Don't forget the good that you are doing...(Playing guitar with the elderly man... Dancing with your Mom and her friends...) ..... You Mom knows deep down that it is YOU that is loving her so unconditionally.

My Mom told me often... "You're a good daughter, Gail." Well... my name is Diane... *snort* but, I knew what she was trying to tell me. She appreciated her daughter's help. Next time you want to come down on yourself for being human... for felling alone in this... for being exhausted... for wanting to run away ...and yes, ... even for praying to God to release your Mom from this world... It's okay. We have all done this. You are human.. And from what I have read about you, Bill...."You're a good son, Fred."...(-: I know you understand.

*Hugs*

Diane

re: My Mom told me often... "You're a good daughter, Gail."
Bill Hirdman
Tuesday, November 03, 2009 at 12:09 PM

Thanks "Gail",

I understood everything you wrote, "Fred" was having a bad hair day! YES, I am allowed to have both the good and bad. My last post was not from the feeling of being alone but of frustration. How do you answer something where really there is no right from wrong. I just want/hope for others to know that its OK to feel! Everyone of us have posted some wild events, all of them different but yet the same in a way! For me, This is a wonderful place to vent, cry and laugh and not worry about right from wrong.. Hmmm, wonder if Gail and Fred are "Normal"? I know I am normal :))

My day is already better thanks to your words..

HUGS

Bill, aka Fred

Untitled Comment
Joseph
Tuesday, November 03, 2009 at 11:42 PM

Hi Bill, In the three months that I cared for my mom in her condominium, I thought that I would go nuts. I was there 24 hours a day with her and let me tell you, it was no picnic. I had to go buy a carpet shampooer to clean the feces off of her carpets and the urine stains. I cooked all of our meals, cleaned up, and shopped for food and supplies. I had no training and little patience... who's prepared to handle this? I read all that I could and have tried my best to follow the advice that's been written. It is really hard not to correct a statement from mom that is essentially, ridiculous. It has taken time for me to learn that correcting her about anything is pointless. I questioned the value of her living in this condition and went through the emotions about God, and law, and everything else. I started buying liquor to relax after putting her to bed for the night. It helped for a while, but in the middle of the night, or bright and early next morning, all of the problems were back. Having no brothers or sisters to help me, I knew that I had to get mom into a care facility of some sort. The price was a shock to me, but fortunately mom has some money. Although I will be the sole heir to her estate, I'm not trying to conserve the money for my benefit, but rather want to see her get superior care while she's still here. I visit her daily and my life has improved a great deal since I got off the caregiver merry-go-round. My patience has improved and I no longer feel like a slave to a stranger. I can appreciate mom again during those brief moments when she seems a bit more lucid. My advice to you, would be to find a way to take a break, whether checking mom into a place for a month, or having a family member handle things for a brief time, you definitely need to get off of the merry-go-round and get your head straight for a while. Taking care of someone sucks the life out of you. I hope that someone will step up and give you that break or that you or mom can afford a little vacation for you. I hear you... and I know what you're going through! As a guy, I'm not wired for this stuff! Good job doing what you've done so far! I would always remember what mom has done for me... and it made giving up on her impossible. If her money runs out, I'll be back there taking care of her until it ends. In the meantime, being a visitor is a lot better than being a caregiver! Good luck and best wishes! Joe

"caregiver merry-go-round"
Diane W
Wednesday, November 04, 2009 at 07:09 AM

That sure says it all... Nice post.

(-:

Diane

re: "caregiver merry-go-round"
Joseph
Wednesday, November 04, 2009 at 09:31 PM

Thanks, Diane... it's good to be off of the merry-go-round for a while! Joe

re: Untitled Comment
Bill Hirdman
Wednesday, November 04, 2009 at 09:42 AM

Thank you Joe,

I enjoyed reading your words. I have been on this site since may of 2009 or somewhere around that time? I write just what I feel and my experiences with my mom so others can get to know me and so that they (other caregivers) might share their experiences with me. This helps me.

I have found a place for my mom to live, Assisted living for Alzheimer's patience only. I thought the worse was behind me. What I have found is that mentally I am going crazy! Trust me when I say this Joe, I completly understand having to go to their level of thought, the redirecting at times and I have accepted that I am at times not her son but her lover or husband or neighbor or fishing buddy or caregiver or or or or....Not her son...YIKES... At times I find this so damn hard to play certain roles just so I don't confuse her more. Only correcting her when the timing is right...

Mom has been in a hospital for over a month now. She has a horrible leg infection. I have been dealing with all sorts of doctors with no good results yet. I leave tonight to go to Lodi Ca. to meet another specialist early tomorrow morning. This seems to be my routine in life right now. I have met him once before and I like him. Finally someone that seems to care? I hope this is the one!

Joe, I am going to stop this reply here.. I could write forever right now.. I think after reading your reply to me we have a common bond. Not very many men on this site or male caregivers for that matter. I would enjoy speaking/chatting/emailing with you. my email is bhirdman@gmail.com . I have many posting on here, sad,crazy,happy and wild ones.. these might let you in on what I have gone through?

I wish you and your mom the best! I truely do. Take care of you and give Ma a big hug from all of us...

I hope to hear from you

HUGS

Bill

re: re: Untitled Comment
Joseph
Wednesday, November 04, 2009 at 09:53 PM

Bill,

You're quite welcome! Besides all of those great gals out there, it's nice to realize that some great guys step up to face this challenge, too. It's perhaps the most difficult challenge that I've ever faced. I have no natural inclinations to be a caregiver or any real abilities in that area. I've had to figure it out as things have unfolded. It has given me some real insight into what caregivers go through. To be clear, it's not the same experience that paid professionals have. They hopefully have a minimal emotional investment in the patient and can go home and put it all out of their minds. I see mom for a few hours every day, but that emotional baggage goes with me everywhere. I know that it will end someday and I want to feel that I've done a good job for mom. I know that if circumstances were reversed (like when I was a child) she would keep me safe, clean, and happy. She's already proven that. Now, it's my turn to give back what she gave me. I'm not as perfect at it as she was.... but I expect that she appreciates it, just the same. Mom paid it forward... and now it's coming back! We're in this boat together Bill, and I'm glad to be aboard with you! Best Wishes, Joe

Untitled Comment
So alone in Markham
Thursday, November 05, 2009 at 07:22 AM

Bill, my heart aches for you. I follow your postings on a regular basis, just to know that I am not alone in my own struggle with my husband who has AD. Love your sense of humour in such a horrible situation. You are an amazing son and shouldn't be so hard on yourself. God loves you and hasn't deserted you, He is still there. He promises He will never leave you nor forsake you - you may not feel His presence but He is there - that's His promise so hang on for dear life. Our thoughts and prayers are with you {{{{{hugs}}}}}

Signed: So alone in Markham

re: Untitled Comment
Bill Hirdman
Thursday, November 05, 2009 at 08:27 AM

Thank you for reminding me of God's ways. I tend to let go sometimes. I hope you are doing well with your Husband. I know at times things get tough, this is when I feel alone at times but I know better. I can always email someone, pick up the phone to talk with someone which almost always results in someone coming over. I post here for venting purposes and to share with others hoping someone else can relate to whatever it might be I am going through at the time.

Hmmm, there is a Markam near me..

Thank You for your response!!

HUGS to you and your husband.

Bill

I feel as if my life was duplicated after reading your story
caregiver sandwich
Thursday, November 05, 2009 at 10:55 AM

I am the one family member that gets to make all the calls but if some other family member does not like it they are quick to tell me about it. Sister is out of state and has only been down to clean out Mom's house with a UHaul headed back to her house. Sometimes, I just want her to go quickly in her sleep. That is not my mother that I go to visit, talk with and take care of. I understand life is not fair but I have a young child at home that really needs there mom also. So there I am a sandwiched caregiver for a mom with early onset dementia- AD type, they tell me, and a child with special needs as well just wanting a little comfort knowing that this disease will not take my child's entire childhood and school years to run it's course while trying not to feel guilty. Hang in there and the Good Lord will get us all through these trials. Remember If HE brings you to it, HE will get you through it!

re: I feel as if my life was duplicated after reading your story
Bill Hirdman
Thursday, November 05, 2009 at 09:11 PM

Sandwich, Funny it's I am cooking dinner as I read and write this. But I hear you! I know the U-Haul story all to well. When I found a place for mom it was amazing how fast her place was cleaned out! I never showed up except to do the legal stuff.. Where everthing went? I have no idea, nor do I care at this time. I have my memories and NOBODY can take this from me.

Also understand about how others show up after the fact that I made a choice for mom. Either legal or medical. I ask for help but only get a ear full after the fact. Sandwich, Trust me..."WE" ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS..

I have No idea what you must be going through with your child, Mine are in college and do their best to comfort me. You definatly have my respect for your role as a parent.

My mother is very ill with AD and infection. In constant pain, no way for a person to live. I too am in constant pain, but my pain is from watching mom and feeling helpless. I just do my best. I want to be able to hold my head HIGH and feel as if I did everything I have done the very best I could when mom passes. I am OK with her passing when it happens. I too wish the same for my mom as you do with your, I pray to take her in peace!

We all know are loved ones have changed, This isn't my mom- this isn't Grandma. My sister couldn't even give me a break when mom was here with me because she said the same thing... That is not my mom, and with that she slammed her car door and left.

You see Sandwich, You are not alone.. I am not alone and no caregiver is alone in this.

Thank you for helping me.. It is nice to read my life through another persons life dealiing with AD..

HUGS always

Bill

re: re: I feel as if my life was duplicated after reading your story
caregiver sandwich
Friday, November 06, 2009 at 11:06 AM

Bill, Hang in there. Ty to remember your good memories on the bad days, and that she loved you and you will be able to say with out any regreats you did what your mom wanted and you looked out for her best interest. As my mom use to tell me you just got another jewel in your crown.

Same feelings
Anonymous
Tuesday, November 17, 2009 at 04:19 PM

Hello:

I truly understand the feelings that you have. I too feel that I am in this alone even though I have two brothers that seem to be oblivious as to what is really happening with our mother. I see her more than they do and take care of her personal needs which to an extent is understandable since I am a woman but they don't even ask. My younger brother does not want my mother in a facility but the doctor's have stated that she definitely can not live alone and if at home 24 hour care is needed. However given the personality changes with my mother, 24 hour care is not the best for my mother. She is receiving the best care in the assisted living facility and I am happy about that. I do miss the mother I once knew. I wish you well.

Anonymous
Bill Hirdman
Tuesday, November 17, 2009 at 04:47 PM

My life with this disease changes everyday, sometimes every moment! I am sure you can understand this! In one way things are looking good in moms care and just might be changing in the way of a move.. I will post on this soon.

My sister has valid concerns but she just isn't here to support me many times. She has changed though. She has started to voice her concern to me and even told me she was proud of me and how I have handled everything. My heart almost skipped a beat. I know she loves mom and I know she loves me. It took me a while to understand that she has a hard time seeing mom the way she is. It took a while for me to see this and to voice my concern to her. I guess It took the two of us to see each other and not just how we felt as indiveduals.. I know I can't spell.. this doesn't make me a bad guy I hope! LOL

I guess what I might be trying to say is to try and give your brothers a chance to change.. Took years for my sister and I to see what the other see's.

I know first hand what it takes to care for an AD person. My mom was/is a handful. I know if it wasn't for people here on this site, people in my comunity that recognized my health and all of my supporting friends. Some new and some that have helped for a while I would not be able to make it.

I have you now! and you have me.. "This is how it works for me". Just knowing you read my post and took maybe just one thing from it that helped, well... this is what helps me now.

I have posted my email all over my postings, fill free to use it.. Hope to hear from you someday. I don't claim to have all the answers, not even close. I do have ears, eyes and big shoulders and know how I feel when I am able to help someone.I Sort of have a new purpose in this life.

Take care of you

HUGS

Bill