My dad is sad and wants to return home.

By Cathy Tuesday, November 06, 2007

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My mom and dad moved into my sister's home in September. Their home was a two story home with steps up to the bathroom and bedrooms, and steps down to the laundry and half bath. My parents are 87, and we were worried about them constantly going up and down the steps. My mom is the caregiver to my dad, and she also suffers with arthritis in her knees and feet. So, my sister (and the rest of us siblings) moved our parents into my sister's home.

Since the move, every day my dad asks my mom , "When are we going to move back home?" The two homes are only minutes away from each other, and my parents stop at their home once a week or so. My dad will rake leaves, or wander around in their basement while my mom gathers a few things to take to my sister's home.

What can we do for my dad's sadness? He can't go back to "their" home. My mom explains why they moved to my sister's home every time he asks her, and he just drops his head and then just doesn't talk anymore to anyone. He is so sad!!

Comments (3) | Add comment

Sue

11/ 6/07 8:35pm

Thanks so much for your post.

Just to note, I am a contributor for the online community here. I am not however a health professional or medically trained, so I cannot answer your questions in that regard. I can however direct you to resources on our site that could help or lead you in the right direction.

Though he may never be able to return to his home, involving your Dad in acitvities at your sister's place, or even outside of the home could possibly help your Dad adjust to his new environment. Maybe activities with a local AARP group or even an Alzheimer's support group. You can find information on our site about these kinds of groups in our Alzheimer's Web Resources section.

Also take a look at our Caregiver Web Resources. It is a place where you could find ways to support yourself and your siblings - you need help too!!

You can find links to these section on the left side of our site under "Find".

Thanks so much, SMM

Dorian Martin, Health Guide

11/ 7/07 8:19pm

Hi, Cathy,

I know your family is going through a difficult time during this transition. It's never easy for anyone to move, much less someone who has with dementia. I looked at my favorite resource book, "The 36-Hour day" by Nancy Mace and Peter Rabins, to see what they recommend. They note that there is an adjustment period when you move a loved one who has dementia. The authors also note that at times, the loved one who has dementia never adjusts to his or her new residence.

So with that said (which isn't a whole lot of help), I agree with SMM's feedback.

You don't mention what stage of dementia your dad is in. If he's in an early stage, I have to admit I wonder if it's wise to be going back regularly to the old house. That habit may reinforce his memories and may not help him move forward into settling into his new setting.

Please keep us posted. And take care!

Dorian

AFA Social Services Team, Health Guide

11/19/07 2:20pm

Dear Cathy:

I commend you for reaching out for assistance. Your father is lucky to have family members that care so much about his well-being. You are concerned about your father, as he seems to have become saddened about the move from his home to your sister's home. It is common for individuals with dementia to have adjustment difficulties, especially when they are moved from their place of familiarity. AFA would like to share with you a few communication tips that can help your family handle your father's sadness.

When your father asks about returning home, try the following guidelines to help ease his sadness.

1. Offer your father support and reassurance at all times. Do not dwell on the subject of returning home with your father. He may become upset, and that is the last thing you want to occur. Let your father know that you are there to help.

2. Distract your father from the subject of returning home. Talk to your father about other subjects, such as his favorite hobby or an item in the room.

3. Redirection is similar to distraction, but longer lasting and more involved. After distracting your father with a series of pleasant topics, at some point he should not circle back to the topic of returning home. You should consider redirecting your father's attention at this point with a different discussion or activity. Activities work better because they will really engage your father's focus and attention, and there is a higher chance of success with a simple activity than with an ongoing conversation. A redirection activity can be as simple as leading your father into the kitchen and having him fill a water pitcher while you prepare a snack for him. During the redirection activity, continue to bring up pleasant topics with your father.

You will always need to be creative when you are assisting your father, especially when you observe that he becomes agitated or saddened by a certain topic. Due to the nature of his dementia, your father cannot conceptualize the fact that he cannot return home. Employing the above communication tips may help you guide your father to a better state of mind, improving his quality of life for hours to come.

My dad is sad and wants to return home.

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