Thanks Christine for addressing this topic. I think in most "normal" situations sexuality is a private thing - talking about it, expressing it, etc. It must be very difficult for a caregiver to watch a loved one with such behaviors. Imagine having to address this kind of thing with your dad. Just really frsutrating and embarassing as you say - for both cargiver and loved one.
So as you say, do not go it alone. Find a team - doctor, nurse, social services center, etc. - who can help manage this. And follow the advice you've given - it's smart and direct.
All the best, sue
Sue, you are right it is hard to watch it. At times we have a sense of humor to make it less bearable. But in the long run, it is not the solution. We only distract the patient so we are not into this subject too much. We do know it is there. When I see it happen to other women (by my father-in-law's intention), I thought it is sad but hilarious. If it happens to me, I get a little more self-defensive and I tend to avoid that.
Thanks,
Nina
My mother in law is 89 years old, has Alzheimer Disease and resides in a nursing home. Both male/female residents live there and are not segregated.
Night before last staff found her in bed with a male resident, also has dimentia. We were told this man has a history of inappropriate behaviour such as touching, comments. We do not know if he has taken anyone else to his room/bed.
They were cuddling, giggling and my mother in law's top was unbuttoned all the way down
They got her out of bed and took her to her own room where she slept the rest of the night
Any suggestions?
This is a tough issue because some people fall in love in nursing homes and the affection is concentual. However, if this man has a history of this behavior with different women, it's probably best to try to curtail it if you can.
The nursing home staff needs to keep an eye out of this and try to distract your mom or the man (whoever is instigating this). It may not be easy. People with AD have still have their need for affection, and as you say, their inhibitions are not in place. If it makes you feel any better, nursing homes across the country are struggling with this.
Carol
This is a tough issue because some people fall in love in nursing homes and the affection is concentual. However, if this man has a history of this behavior with different women, it's probably best to try to curtail it if you can.
The nursing home staff needs to keep an eye out of this and try to distract your mom or the man (whoever is instigating this). It may not be easy. People with AD have still have their need for affection, and as you say, their inhibitions are not in place. If it makes you feel any better, nursing homes across the country are struggling with this.
Carol
Hi Concerned Daughter
Your mother in law is a vulnerable person and this incident does not sound like part of an on going relationship. Although she seems to have enjoyed the encounter it may not always be the case. Is she able to make a reasoned decision?
The man is known to act in a way that could mean he upsets other residents. His behavior may escalate so a doctor needs to be involved to make a decision about these incidents.
You also need to decide what is appropriate for her and then talk to the nursing home manager and her doctor. It is important that any decisions about both residents care is written down in their nursing care notes so that all the care staff know how to react.
In my experience this type of behaviour can be easily managed with a bit of humour and re-direction. However the nursing home does have a duty of care to provide your relative with a safe environment.
If their meetings become a relationship and your mother in law wants times of privacy then you can talk to staff again.
Hope this is helpful
Christine
Thank you for info. now I have better outlet, not only one dealy. Only thing dad's a mild-moderate stage. He still walks , carrys conversation, but confused alot. The H.R. at nursing home acts like this has never happened before in reference bad sexal behavior. He calls them liar. The worse thing can't believe him always. Thanks, Dee
Hi Dee
Some nurses have very little experience and training in dementia care. It is one of the problems we have when we try to place people with Alzheimer's in the residential and nursing care homes.
Sadly poor education and minimum staffing levels can make challenging behavior very difficult for staff to cope with unless they receive training and have good medical and managerial backup.
Christine
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Christie,
Thanks for the post! It helps me a lot. However, I think there are 2 types: one is the "nice" and innocent type and the other is the one that needs medication or help. For now, my father-in-law is back to wanting a wife again as all the ladies didn't seem to work out for him (just his trying although 2 of them are married already.) His home care nurse told me he is getting more self-centered. If he gets worse, he would need to go to a nursing home. Not just about wanting a woman, but also about his demands.
He is in severe/moderate stage (functional late stage 6.)
Regards,
Nina
Hi Nina
Thanks for your comments. I suppose another thing about seeing a close relative behaving in this way is that it is just so alien to see elders acting in a sexual way. You just do not expect to see it, ever! It can be very difficult as well as sad.
Christine
You said the nurse said that he may have to be place in a nursing home. My mother is in a memory care assisited living. Her and my father have been married 58 years. Before placement my mother was no longer interested in sex. Now that she is place we can not keep her away from one man in her unit. They have not been caught have sex but messing with each other. My father knows of them getting caught sleeping in the same bed. But we have not told him of the other times. He is having such a hard time trying to understand that my mother feels that this man is her boyfriend. So even if you place your father the behavior may not change.
This is painful for you and horribly painful for your dad. It's not unusual, as your mother doesn't remember your dad as who he is. She may remember him as he was 40 years ago and even wonder where that man went.
This article won't solve the problem, but it may help you understand:
http://www.healthcentral.com/alzheimers/c/42/16500/sandra-day
Supreme court judge Sandra Day O'Connor's husband (now deceased) had a girlfriend in the memory unit and she spoke publically about it.
As far as actual sex is concerned, this is so touchy in this area, as some of these folks (single) are "in love" and they have lost their inhibitions and also, they don't remember their mates if they are married since their mind is back in time (like your mother).
Hopefully, the home can keep things in hand. However, you and maybe your dad will have to learn that this isn't about their marriage, it's the disease. Your mom as she was hasn't changed, but the disease has erased her memory of her beloved husband and marriage. This can be more painful for some (most?) spouse that death. Counseling may help you and your dad understand that this isn't what your mom would have chosen.
You have my condolences - both of you. On the practical side - has the doctor been informed? Maybe an adjustment in medications could help this behavior. Just a suggestion.
Take care of yourself. This is a rough road,
Carol
Hi
It is a very difficult situation for you all. As the brain damage caused by Alzheimer's increases different types of behavior occur. Carol's comments and suggestions are very good ones.
I think it is important the care home know how distressed you all are and ask them what steps they are taking to prevent such incidents occuring in the future. It is very difficult to prevent contact between residents when they actively seek each other out and have formed a strong bond. They may need to provide distraction and other activities. It may be that you and your family can give the staff and your mother support by being included in them, i.e taking her out, spending time with her.
All my best wishes
Christine
Hi Lost, It is my father-in-law and he is a widower. So he has no spouse who is jealous or upset about his flirting.
The nurse didn't say nursing home. It is the family's decision that we want to place him in the assisted living home Wednesday because he will know more women there and he will not be able to go after one woman at home that would make the female relatives embarrassed from this situation. He will not stop this kind of behavior and he will be worse like groping and etc. He will not be as lonely and he will have more activities to distract him. At home, the female relatives or friends cannot risk being harrassed like that. It is quite unpleasant.
Have you seen the movie Away from Her? In this movie, the husband whose wife has Alzheimer's fell in love with a guy in the nursing home until the guy is moved out due to finances by his own spouse. At first, the husband was upset but he learned to realize it is part of the disease. I am not saying this behavior will go away, but in the nursing home, the situation may be safer for all parties concerned.
Of course, the groping could be worse but at least my father-in-law will be less lonely until he becomes very very sick later on.
Regards,
Nina