I care for Mom she is in Mid stage and it getting awful for me I really try

Hi, Keetzs,

I'm so sorry to hear about the issues you are facing with your mother. I know how difficult it is to try to make these decisions.

From what you wrote, it does sound like you are thinking about exploring either assisted living or a nursing home. As hard as it is to move a loved one to this type of facility, sometimes it's for the best for the person's safety and the caregiver's own health. I have heard several friends talk about the difficulty of making the decision to move a loved one with dementia to a care facility, but most agreed that there came a time when the move became inevitable.

I'd suggest that you really stop and analyze (removing your own sense of guilt) which option -- living at home vs. a nursing home/assisted living facility-- would be the best for your mother. In my own case, that decision came down to Mom's health (she had Alzheimer's and Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, which meant she needed skilled nursing) and safety (Mom was very independent and would have been a "wanderer"). I also had to factor in that I was going to be the lone family caregiver (since Dad at that point was living in a city 7 hours away and my brother was in another state). Along with caregiving duties, I had to make sure that I could maintain my professional, financial, physical and emotional well-being for the duration that Mom remained alive (which ended up being two years). If Mom had continued living with me (or in a separate home), I wouldn't have been able to pull off that balancing act.

In my early years of adulthood, Mom always said, "I don't want to be a burden to my children." Knowing these wishes, I believe that if given all the facts of what would happen prior to her Alzheimer's diagnosis, Mom would have agreed with my decisions.

You've been a good daughter and have tried your best to take good care of your mom. I encourage you to take a breath and give yourself some time to analzye the situation and then make the best decision that will ensure that your mom has a good quality of life and that your health is maintained.

Take care and let us know what happens!

Dorian

My grandmother is 72 and she has moderate alzeimers.  She sometimes goes out with her clothes on backwards.  I don't make a big deal out of that either.  Atleast she isn't streaking.  Sometimes she trys to go out with about 12 shirts on and 3 pairs of pants and I can't get it through to her that it's summer.  I do all the cooking now.  She tried to make Oatmeal and it looked so gross that I threw up.  However, my grandmother is not clean anymore.  I never smell her or anything but she hasn't had a bath in close to two weeks and everytime I suggest it she says no.  She's got this fixiation on the Garbage.  She has a garbage can in the bathroom where she puts the toilet paper instead of flushing it (why?  I don't know).  After that she has to take the whole can out to the Garbage can outside and take the tp out by hand and put it in the commercial dumpster.  She'll also take the kitchen can outside and take all that out by hand and throw it in the dumpster.  She came in yesterday trying to clean the inside of the bag.  I had to make her go wash her hands because she wasn't going to.

And the everytime something new happens.  For example, her brother is coming to get her Friday for a visit and to give me a break since it's just me and my husband.  Shes asked me everyday this week about 10 times a day when he's coming.  Then she's afraid she'll get somesick.  She's staying 3 days and she thinks shes staying a week no matter how many times I tell her.  And she has a violent side too.  She tried to pull all her hair out yesterday because I was watching Days of Our Lives (which I watched with her as a child 30 years ago).  We can easily put her into a nursing home but we do not want to until it's absolutely necessary.  I don't know about you but my nerves are shot.

It seems to me you are calling out for help.  Find a Alzheimer Caregiver Support Group meeting. In my city the meetings are during the day and also in the evening.  Go hear what other people are saying. 

Your mom won't want to go anywhere else.  She won't want change.  You need to put your mom in a home.  I wish my dad would put my mom in a home.  He thinks he can keep doing it, but his health could deteriorate because of the stress.  At some point you have to say enough.