Mom is 89 in Mid stage she can dress herself seems clean, feed herself I bring all her food, had turn off her stove it was gas. Example If something new happens she cant remember at all I have to repeat or leave a note, the other day she opened a window couldn't get it closed so I helped her the window slamed on my hands went to ER it was Ok, she forgot the whole siduation. She lives alone I come every AM and if she needs me for anything. I have a caregiver 2 time a week, for a little break for me. She is only there for 3 hours total for the 2 days. Mom loses everything cause she put things in different places all the time. Took her to Breakfast her pants where on backwards but I thought who cares. She asbolutely cant manage pills she on aracept(sp?) it helped a little Dr is starting Namenda next. She has a ton of Quirks, she wont wear her safe return on ripped the bracet off.... seems there is a new occurence daily. She wont look at me when I talk to her looks down, If I nicely tell her something she needs to do she seems upset. I try to be loving I tell her mu stupid Cat stories which she likes, I've been doing this for 2 years. Im very ready to find another option of course she doesnt want that. Ive had Diarrehia for 7 months nerves I think, I go for a walk every day before I start with her. I was told to just tell her I cant do this anymore Im sick and not explain any thing else. Is this the way to go I have good resources in finding a place it just going to be hard. She has lived in her home over 50 years. Any Ideas Sharon
Hi, Keetzs,
I'm so sorry to hear about the issues you are facing with your mother. I know how difficult it is to try to make these decisions.
From what you wrote, it does sound like you are thinking about exploring either assisted living or a nursing home. As hard as it is to move a loved one to this type of facility, sometimes it's for the best for the person's safety and the caregiver's own health. I have heard several friends talk about the difficulty of making the decision to move a loved one with dementia to a care facility, but most agreed that there came a time when the move became inevitable.
I'd suggest that you really stop and analyze (removing your own sense of guilt) which option -- living at home vs. a nursing home/assisted living facility-- would be the best for your mother. In my own case, that decision came down to Mom's health (she had Alzheimer's and Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, which meant she needed skilled nursing) and safety (Mom was very independent and would have been a "wanderer"). I also had to factor in that I was going to be the lone family caregiver (since Dad at that point was living in a city 7 hours away and my brother was in another state). Along with caregiving duties, I had to make sure that I could maintain my professional, financial, physical and emotional well-being for the duration that Mom remained alive (which ended up being two years). If Mom had continued living with me (or in a separate home), I wouldn't have been able to pull off that balancing act.
In my early years of adulthood, Mom always said, "I don't want to be a burden to my children." Knowing these wishes, I believe that if given all the facts of what would happen prior to her Alzheimer's diagnosis, Mom would have agreed with my decisions.
You've been a good daughter and have tried your best to take good care of your mom. I encourage you to take a breath and give yourself some time to analzye the situation and then make the best decision that will ensure that your mom has a good quality of life and that your health is maintained.
Take care and let us know what happens!
Dorian
Well, you gave me the same ideas Ive heard from everyone, I believe my mom is beyond helping me make this decision, I hear that safety, professional care are key, I always tell myself that if I was meant to be a Caregiver I would of been, I worked 35 years in the Telecommunications, not a caregiver by any means. I going to give it some time to watch and also talk to Adult Living Alternatives finding one who has a lengthy involvement in advocating for better service for elders. Also a place that are cerified by State with assessments. Of course close to me, I know this will be painful emotionly, but sometimes its for the best. Thanks for your input.
Keetzs
Hi, Keetzs,
I'm glad that you plan to take the time to make your decision. Please know that if you do end up moving your mom to a nursing home or assisted living facility, you won't be losing your caregiving chores; instead you'll find them evolving as you become your mom's advocate. In my case, although my mom resided in a good nursing home, I found that I had to have a visible presence, during which I had to keep an eye out for care issues and all too often call attention to lapses by staff members. I wrote about this in Inspecting the Quality of Care in Your Loved One's Nursing Home.
I would also say that my ability to enjoy my relationship with Mom improved during the last two years when she was in the nursing home. During almost all of my adult life, Mom and I had been best friends, but during her several-year descent into dementia, I didn't understand or know how to deal with some of her behaviors that seemed uncharacteristic of the Mom I knew and loved Once she moved to the nursing home, I no longer had to bear the brunt of her paranoia or emotional outbursts (which can be part of Alzheimer's). Instead, we reached the point where she was once again excited to see me come in the door for our daily visit and we were able to share quality time (often with cookies or fruit smoothies).
Again take care!
Dorian