Yes, it's different for everyone. We had to tell Mom the truth - over and over. She gradually "got it."
The truth can be told gently, yet for some, the reality is agony and must be lived through over and over. People don't feel they are "getting anywhere." Fortunately, your fil can accept it. I think you are right about him feeling lonely without a mate.
We all have to feel our way along.
Take care,
Carol
Hi Carol, This is a good topic and one that many of us have dealt with already. My mother remembers clearly that my dad passed away in 1999. Before this last Christmas, two of her friends died. The first was a neighbor in her condominium complex that I decided to tell her about. She understood and seemed to accept the news, telling me that the woman was in her late 90s and had a long life. I was pleased that she handled it so well. The second death was peculiar because she received a Christmas card from the deceased highschool friend with a notation from her daughter (on the card) that her mother had died before mailing the cards. Although very unusual, I explained this to my mom and she had difficulty understanding how someone could be dead and send her a Christmas card. I don't know if she really understands this clearly or not. I've decided to drop it unless she asks me about this friend again. She is currently confused about which neighbor died in her condominium complex, so I usually just remind her again. She handles the explanation well and appears to recall being told the same information before.
I see this as a judgment call and believe that your advice to inform once is something that I would definitely agree with. Beyond the first time, I would consider the emotional impact of repeating the news and the need to do so. My mother has difficulty keeping the news straight on these matters, but telling her more than once hasn't been difficult for her, so far. -- Joe
Thanks for your comment, Joe. As usual, you are right on. I think the emotional impact needs to be handled individually. There are gentle ways of saying what has happened and moving on, without graphic detail if that only puts the person with dementia into another round of hell. However, if the reminder can be understood without pain, such as your mother and your father, that is really good. We feel our way along, day by day.
Carol
I recently lost my Father. At the time of his death he was in the later stages of Dementia. After his death I had to decide how to tell my Mother - who is in the middle stages of dementia. My mom and dad divorced several years ago, so this could have been a fairly simple situation. As it turned out, it wasn't.
When I told my mom the first time her reaction seemed almost trivial and she seemed to quickly forget it. But the news left her disturbed. For about a week she would ask each day "This is could to sound strange, but did something happen to your father?". Each day she seemed to remember a lingering sense of grief and upset but none of the details. Once she asked me to tell her what had happened to HER father - who passed away about 20 years ago. Eventually she stopped asking and I've since made a point of bringing up anything that might lead to her thinking about my Dad. If I had to guess, I would say she knows that he's passed on but the information has drifted into a buried subconscious fear. 40% dementia, 60% denial
If I could do it over, I would have made a point to tell her only once and then hide the truth afterwards. Morally I feel she needed to have the chance to hear the news and grieve - once. But repeating the news has turned it into what seems to be a buried sense of depression and unspoken fear of mortality. Although we never speak of his death, my mother has seemed more anxious since hearing of his passing. This is mainly an effect of her individual personality tho. So my advice to anyone would be - gauge your decision based on the persons personality as much as their age or dementia.
That is true. Each situation is unique. My sister has a friend who never told her parents about her sister's death. I imagine it is hard to hide it and etc. It is so sad. My family didn't hide it so my late brother's death was known to all. I think sometimes it depends on how one judges the situation. I felt that being natural is important. Pretending one's death as being alive is way too much.
Telling once or many times depends on the situations. No one should feel guilty about it. It is moral to tell the truth but there is always a limit.
Nina
i just had a resident die today. her husband lived in the same house and room with her in a personal care home. the facilty wants us to keep lieing to him about his wife. they want us to tell him that she left and went home. i feel this is wrong. i believe he has the right to kno the truth about his wife. i dont feel comfortable lieing to him. i do not want him to think his wife just up and left him to die in the personal care home. the facitly went as far as telling the family that they are not allowed to tell him the truth. They said be cause he had alzheimers and dementia that he will relive her death as if it was yesterday. i had lost my mom two yrs ago and i am not diagnos with either of them and i remember every little detail about her death as if it was yesterday. so is it right to keep a lieing to this man to make him this his wife just up and left him? does the personal care home have the right to make this call?
I agree with you. He has a right to know. This is his wife. If he can't remember she died, after he's been told, then it's probably okay to say that he'll see her eventually, since he may not live a lot longer (often that is the case), and many believe in some afterlife spiritual connection. Each case is different.
But I feel he needs to be told the truth at least once. That's a matter of dignity and respect. People need to support him through this.
You have good instincts and I respect you for your stand.
Carol
Hi Mab,
I replied your question last night over the question. Here I saw more detals.
The home may be right that the man may not remember her death, but it is not up to them to tell the family not to say anything. It is up to the family. It seems moral to tell him the truth but the family may be afraid to upset him too much and cause his death or sickness soon.
If he is in later stage of dementia, he will forget about how she died and even the fact that she died. He may be confused although he may not totally forget. He may also look for other mates because she is not there anymore.
I think this is a little odd because if he will forget anyway, why not tell him the news? The only reason is the home does not want him to get too upset and leave the home. It is the family's right and his right to know.
The family should go to the authority in the state to report this thing. The home has no business to scare the family off although they can advise them what to do.
Nina
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Carol,
Thanks for the post. It is sad to know how your Mom dealt with your Dad's death.
I believe everyone is different.
Early on, my FIL often asked about his late wife not knowing she died. At times we told him she passed away and he felt sad for a while and was ok again. One time he asked to have her resurrected. Today he said the music reminded him of her. So sometimes he knows. She died in 2004 when his Alzheimer's was in early/mid-stage. Now he totally forgot the details of her death in the hospice.
At times the caregiver showed him the urn so he knew she died. In 2004, he said he missed her. Now he still misses her, but at times he wants to find replacement as his mate. So it is more of his loneliness. As he forgot more and more, he sort of misses her by saying he wants a mate. The hard part is he still wants a mate now at stage 6. The home care nurse said he still could not accept that she died. I don't think so. He just does not want to be alone.
It is on and off for him. We still tell him the truth and he can still take it. I guess everyone is different.
Regards,
Nina
Sometimes some people tell the truth gently.