I placed my husband in the dementia unit of personal care home on Tuesday. I pray that he will adjust and do well there. It was such a difficult decision. I am very impressed with the facility, but that does not diminish my feelings of guilt or lessen the pain of looking around at our empty home. I just could not cope at home anymore.
Hi Elaine,
I know the guilty feeling, and I think it's even worse for a spouse, but there comes a time when it's best for both of you. Your husband is getting care he needs, and you need to stay (or get back) your healthy self - for him and for you.
You aren't giving up on him, you are getting help for his welfare as well as your own. Please try not to feel guilty. You did the best thing for you both.
Blessings,
Carol
Yes, Elaine. The heart takes much longer. Please take comfort in the support you are getting. One woman who wrote to me was criticized by "friends" who didn't have a clue. It just added to her pain.
You will make it, but the adjustment is hard. And the empty home is gut-wrenching. Bless you, Elaine. You are a wonderful person.
Carol
Hi Elaine,
I know how you are feeling. I am sure it is harder for you now that your spouse left the house. It is natural you feel empty in the house. It is also odd that he can adjust to his new place without being with you. I still have a hard time to get adjusted to the fact that my father-in-law is there in the new home. Not that he does not like it but he likes it! It is odd that we have to visualize and wonder how he lives in his delusional world and likes the new place! (He thinks of it as his working place without much real work. It is just in his talk.)
You can join some community activities and make yourself busier. Repair the house and etc. Do the things that you cannot do while he was in the house. Now we have to repair my FIL's old house and etc. Things to do to help him without him...
Glad that your Mom is healthy. It is a gift! Enjoy your time with your Mom also.
Take care,
Nina
Like you, Carol, we've been very fortunate that my father is in a wonderful nursing home. I've watched the staff with my father and it is obvious that they really care for him above and beyond what is required. When I talked to them about how he was doing they spent a lot of time telling me not just health facts but stories about what he did and what he said and what he liked and didn't like. My father is not easy to get along with, so this was a blessing. What occurred to me is that before he just had one person who loved him and now he has people surrounding him all day who really care for him. Now -- is my father happy? No. But to be honest he has never been happy anywhere he lived at any time in his life. And a lot of his unhappiness is a desire to escape his infirmity, rather than just the the nursing home. Over all though it's a great blessing to know he is in the hands of caregivers who really care.
I'm so glad you and your family had a good experience with the nursing home. People need to hear that nursing homes can be a good choice for many people. They aren't all as good as they should be, but most are improving and many are truly excellent and can actually help the caregiver and care receiver have better lives. Keeping an eye on our elders is necessary, but the good homes are often a wonderful option for all.
Carol
Carol, it is true some homes really have loving caregivers to care for the elders. Even if it may not be the deep love (some do have deep affection with the elders if they happen to be close to them), it is still a deep concern in humanity. I think it is not fair to put down the nursing homes. Many people portray it as some bad homes where some caregivers ignore the elders and so on. Often there are lawsuits against the homes as well...
Still we need to understand there are better homes where the caregivers/directors are very caring. Some home have the philosophy or mission that they have to provide personalized care. Certainly some skilled care nursing homes may be in harsh condition due to medicare situations. Still there are good ones. Of course the home does not replace a family's love or care, but the homes certainly provide relief for the family at difficult times.
Nina
You are so right, Nina. I witnessed more than one caregiver, at the home my parents lived in, crying over the death of a resident. When my uncle died in that home, his primary CNA sobbed - and my uncle could be a difficult man (after many strokes) to care for. It was heartwarming for me to see how much she cared. Many of these people are very dedicated, despite poor pay and hard work. We are so blessed to have them.
Carol
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Carol, thanks for the post. I also want to add that given today's technology and advanced medicine, there is a better way to handle an elder with dementia. We don't realize that sometimes the elder can no longer survive in his own private home and we think that he is dyinng or gets worse in staging. The thing I did for my father-in-law was that I wanted to give him a chance to do it differently. He was literally getting worse at home. The home care folks said he could not live more than 1 or 2 years (not that they should say that.) I was aware that some assisted living home for dementia can make the elders flourish or better and it is a gamble for us to decide to move him in July when the space was available.
Now we see vividly how he is happier now in this new home. He eats better with people there in the cafeteria around the table (at home he ate sloppily on the recliner,) he has groups to attend to and he got the outings and saw beautiful lake view. He got more people to care about. His life is literally transformed. He forgot all about the bad past before he moved.
I just want people to be aware that there are better option - not just an option for saving money. A better option that can save his life. Although I am not sure if my FIL can really live much longer, I know the quality of life here is much better for him at this point. He got worse a little bit in his memory but he still has time to enjoy this new home before he comes idle. It is perfect time for him to go - he does not remember his old home/family but he can still enjoys the present.
Take care,
Nina
Nina, I'm so thrilled this has worked out so wonderfully for your FIL. My MIL has a similar experience. There are many instances where elders thrive in a good facility. Your FIL is a great example.
Blessings,
Carol
Carol, this home my father-in-law has is a pretty good one. It is private also. However, it does not mean my father-in-law does not have delusion and etc. He insists this is a working place for him and he is frustrated that he cannot "order" the people around him. I think he is so set to work forever and this is what he has in his mind. Just hope he won't one day realize it is not and get upset. Hope the longer he is there, the better he will get used to it until he gets sicker.
-Nina
My dad, God bless him, "worked until he died." They need a purpose and they find one.
I'm so happy your FIL is happy, Nina.
Carol