Carol,
I am so glad you addressed this subject. As a caregiver, I've never felt comfortable with the phrase parenting your parent. I'm not my Dad's parent nor do I believe I am his keeper. Just sounds so demeaning. As I am also aging, I am aware of the feelings I have about a possible time when one of my daughters may be caring for me and how I would want to be treated. Passing that feeling along to my father helps me to know I need to respect his wishes and desires to the extent that it is good and it is safe for us to do so. I'm his daughter, not his mother or father. I'm not his parent - I am his caregiver. We need to be mindful of our true role in the life of our parent and not diminish our history as a family unit.
I really enjoyed this article. You can not speak enough about this subject! Having dementia myself, I know the need for physical closeness to others. A touch on the hand, a hand on my shoulder...a hug...these mean so much more to me in my condition than I remember them being in my days of normalsy. (is THAT a real word???) More than ever, I need people to be patient with me, not be condescending... I need encouragement. "I" feel that I represent all with dementia. Thank you for continuing to spread the word that "we" need to be treated with dignity and love. Keep up the good work, girlfriend!!!
Carol,
This past weekend I had been through some problem with the caregivers in the home where my FIL is. It is the razor issue - many people have handled it and it keeps gets broken... We bought another one. If it does not work, we may need to get a barber or ask the hairdresser to help.
The caregivers and nurses tend to think that the elders are troublemakers who can go to other people's rooms to play around. It may be true but it does not mean the management has no problem. I think although they are nice to the elderlies, they still sometimes think it is regular for an elderly to do that. Well, this does not mean you can solve your management problem by putting it on the family or residents. Sometimes caregivers including family caregivers may get used to the confusion of the elders that it has become stereotype... They say oh it must be the elderly who took the drugs or the razor's little piece and etc....
Well the fact is the caregivers didn't even know what is going on. If you don't know what goes wrong, don't blame the elders!! I just told the home this and I hope the attitude can change. These caregivesr are young ladies and men who may be students or may move up later on in their career path, but it is not for them to make fun of the elderly or think the elderly must have done something. There is no proof who did something or took something, so don't put it on the elders and show them some respect. After all, the elders who go to the home all had been someone important before and they are still the same person.
Nina
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Carol,
I think you have a point. Although I may not agree with going inside of their brain to play their mind for them, at some point, we do need to restore the dignity.
e.g., my father-in-law has this need of woman companionship or even a mate. But it is not possible anymore. The home care caregivers had this idea that the nurse or a young caregiver would pretend or really try to be his mate or close girlfriend. They claimed it is not real anyway and it served his need. Well I got a comparison now. Now he has a group of ladies in the residential care facility. Those ladies or caregivers are nice to him and they enjoy his well-mannered behaviors. The difference? It is the quality. By playing as his personal mate or nurse, he would think it is real and proposed to them thinking they were his girls. Well, one young caregiver is really not his type at all whatsoever but he forgot. It is was disgusting and ugly and degrading. Now in this new home, everyone has dignity and everyone treats each other with dignity. Of course, the caregivers are not there for a long time anymore after the shifts, but they are there at regular times. My FIL is happy in this place having these people as his companions or friends.
I think this is more humane. Sometimes I think it goes as far as the family: When the family can no longer cope and may abuse or mistreat the elders goodly or badly (either unintentional/impatient or intentional, the family need to go away until they can deal with it properly. In the end, some elders are lonely because of this, but at least we try to give the elders the dignity that they deserve.
Take care,
Nina
You're right on, as always, Nina. When it comes to the woman issue, you can't "play along." It's all about judgement and the people and the issues involved. But keeping their sense of dignity in tact, when we can, is good. I know you've done a great job with that.
You are one terrific caregiver.
Best,
Carol