Putting Your Foot Down, With Compassion

Oh, yeah! The laying on of the guilt. Most of us have been through versions of this. You seem to have an extra dose, however. It's my opinion that complaining can become a form of entertainment. People often resent getting older and don't want to change (like move to more suitable housing). The world isn't changing to accomodate them - they are bored, but don't want to do the things you suggest. I'm sorry you and your family are going through this, but it's not all that unusual. Sometimes just knowing that, helps.

Your parents are still making their own decisions, and until they are in such a state that they can't, and one of you has POA for health and for making other decisions, they are going to do what they want. You can suggest things. You can talk until you are blue. But, if they simply won't follow any suggestions to try for a happier life, you'll have to agree to let them complain, and try to detach from it.

We can't change other people, but we can change our attitudes about how we accept what they dish out. Have compassion - they are aging and afraid. They are unhappy and not feeling well.

Also, having your friends die is hard. I remember my grandparents and parents going through that. So, we need to remember that life is hard for them.

But that doesn't mean they can make everyone else's life miserable. I would suggest that you keep up the phone calls, visit as often as you can, invite them to functions - but if they won't come, it's not your fault. Listen to their complaints, tell them you are sorry. Suggest alternatives. But don't accept guilt. If they become abusive, say "I won't listen to any more of this. I'll talk to you when you are more ready for a conversation." And hang up. When they learn that you won't be abused, they will be easier to deal with.

Easier said that done - I know that only too well. I remember the nurses, at the nursing home where my parents lived, telling me (when my mother had been nasty to me) "Don't come tomorrow - just skip a day." At first, I just couldn't do that. Oh, poor Mom! She would feel bad.

But, when it happened again, I did skip a day. Voila! When I visited a day later, she was sweet as pie. The nurses were right. I just needed to stand up for myself. Mom was fine, and I was treated better.

Again, I stress compassion for their circumstances. But you need to take care of yourself and your families. If your parents were in a better place mentally, that is what they'd want for you. Write back, anytime.

To my blog readers – feel free to e-mail me at carol@mindingourelders.com, or go to the message board to add your comments.
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