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I just found this article today. Thank you so much for writing it.
My brother is an alcoholic and has many treating physicians. He takes multiple medications daily, with and without the alcohol. His PC is well aware of his situation, but I do not believe he is actually trained in treating the alcoholic. My brother has been through 2 inpatient 30 day stays at a treatment center, only to come out and be drunk again within 24-48 hours. He lost his license for 2 years due to DUI's. He had a hip replacement and didn't follow the recommendations as far as his recovery. Rules don't apply to him, only to everyone else. He is physically and emotionally unable to work. Fortunately for the time being he has adequate funds to take care of his monthly expenses, needs and wants. He does not qualify for SSD or any other disability because none of his doctors will say that his conditions are other than due to or caused by the alcoholism. It is a very sad situation and is very taxing on our entire family as we watch him spiraling out of control.
I have read many articles regarding alcohol dementia and truly believe my brother has it. He has been treated by a psychiatrist and therapist for the last 2 years, both of whom he says are not helping him. I told him the help starts with him helping himself and he agreed. He has agreed to go to a different mental health facility that specializes in dual diagnosis. I am hopeful that he will continue to go to this facility after the initial evaluation and maybe they can help him to help himself.
I went to Al-Anon for a while and I agree with the other person that wrote a comment it is very good for you. I intend to go back as not going is not helping me at all.
Thanks for giving me more information on this subject. Everything I find like this helps me to do what I can to help my brother.
It's sad that his doctors don't realize that his alcoholism is a disability.
He does have dual problems, as do many alcoholics. Please do go back to Al-Anon. the people and the program will help you cope. It's awful to watch an addicted person self-destruct. Yet, you are right. He has to be ready in order to be helped. Some people never are.
I hope that the therapist is also schooled in AA. Treatment twice? Maybe a third time will do it. But he has to be ready.
Blessings to you. You are compassionate and you care. You know this isn't a moral failing of his, but you can't fix it for him either. I'm glad you know where to go. Please let me know how you are doing.
Carol
Carol:
Thank you for your reply. I am so grateful to be finding all of these outlets to vent MY frustration with this situation. I know that I can't fix him, but I would be willing to do whatever I needed to if I could. He will run out of money eventually and I guess then he will hit the "rock bottom" that I keep hearing about with addicts. That is, of course, if he lives that long. Lucky for me that I went through the family program during his first 30 day program and I learned a lot about alcoholism and myself. We grew up with an alcoholic father, but both of my brothers (2 years and 4 years younger) do not remember it the way I do. They both have been or are alcoholics. My younger brother quit on his own about 14 months ago and seems to be doing well.
As far as his doctors, I believe that some of them do view the alcoholism as a disability but unfortunately his disability carrier nor Social Security do.
Again, thank you for the article, and thank you for caring enough to reply to my comment. I know that I am not the only person to have to deal with this, but I do get overwhelmed at times with the stress of knowing and seeing what he is doing to himself and I FEEL like I am the only one a lot of the time. I have a wonderful and very supportive husband that I don't know what I would have done without over the last 2 years while I have been trying to help my brother. I also have a wonderful church family that are there for me whenever I need a shoulder. I also have an older sister (different dads) that lives in Michigan that I am very very close to and she is my biggest source of comfort and advice for what I should do when my husband is not available.
Sorry for the rambling, but I just really appreciate you bearing with me.
Cindy
Cindy, it's so sad that people won't talk about this issue. There's shame for many, and it shouldn't be that way. Addiction is a disease. But I've been told that I'm one of the few people online who will discuss this (especially with elderly parents). There are scholarly papers, of course, and studies, but that is different.
There is so much helplessness in watching someone you love go downhill - waiting for that bottom to come and praying it won't be too deep. But we never know. Please feel free to contact me any time. A listening ear can help, as can writing it down. You've already discovered that: )
I'm glad you have so much support.
Blessings,
Carol
Carol:
I had correspondended with you about my frustration with my brother and his addiction to alcohol earlier this year. I am sad to report to you that my brother lost his battle with alcoholism in late July. I found him deceased in his bathroom floor. So, alcohol 1, Cindy 0. I am now the executor of his estate and am doing the best I can with going on with life without my brother, whom I loved dearly, but glad to not have to deal with the alcoholic side that I HATED!
Cindy
My dad is diagnosed with Alzheimer's and he is an alcoholic. He is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's and has horrible memory problems and can't handle things like his mail and is constantly forgetting things, conversations and so forth. He is physically weak and needs a walker. We have put him in an independent adult community center where he can have his independence, meals, medication, entertainment, classes, physical therapy and he loves to socialize and play bridge. He has a limited driver's license in which he is not allowed to drive more than 10 miles away from his residence. He has been an alcoholic for years but it has been getting really bad lately. He buys Vodka and drinks till he can't walk or talk very well. He will fall every time he gets drunk and really hurts himself. He broke three ribs in 5 weeks and always has cuts and Band-Aids all over his body. His room is filled with blood spots and spills. He was brought in to speak with two people in charge of the center and they have said that if this continues he will be asked to leave. He is a liability to them. He forgets about this warning and other conversations all the time. He will call me up over and over again with the same thing. He continues to drink and I am so afraid that he will get kicked out. He is sabotaging his welfare and security by drinking and I can't take him in my house. I am not sure how much to hold him responsible if he can't remember too much. Yet, he can always arrange to get Vodka. I have had many conversations about his drinking and he always says that he will not drink anymore and that he will go to AA. He goes maybe a week at the most and is drinking again. How much can I expect from him when his mind is going. I don't want him to be kicked out because that is his salvation right now. Recently I found him drunk at night and of course he couldn't walk. I knew that if I left him there he would fall again and hurt himself. I went out to my car to look for something and when I had returned I found he had fallenl into his shower and I had to get help lifting him to a wheelchair so I could take him home with me till he sobered up. I can't expect the center to take care of him whne he is in this condition, it is not their responsibility and if I were to leave him he would fall again and hurt himself, maybe even hit his head and die. I have taken him home a few times. I can't keep taking him home. My brother and I decided to help him since he couldn't help himself so I took his money and credit cards so that he couldn't buy any more alcohol. We felt it was for his welfare and security so he wouldn't get kicked out of this wonderful place he lives. Was this wrong to do? I feel like he is at the point where he is not strong enough mentally to care for himself so I took this initiative. I take him to buy whatever he needs and give him enough to play bridge. I feel very uncomfortable in this position but I feel I have no choice. He seems to understand and doesn't complain although he keeps forgetting that I took him money and credit cards and thinks they have been lost. I am so exhausted and my husband is getting tired of all the time I spend taking care of him. Please give me words of wisdom ....
Under these circumstances, you did the right thing with his money. He wants to stop drinking but he has a disease - alcoholism. AA is fantastic, but since he may be too far into dementia to remember things, it's hard to tell how much that can help unless he goes through detox and treatment.
Is he a veteran? The VA is used to handling these circumstances. They may be able to get him into treatment/AA and some housing.
You are wonderful in understanding that he is not doing this on purpose. It's hard to tell is the memory problems are blackouts from alcohol or if they are dementia. He needs a physical by a doctor who knows alcoholism and dementia.
My heart goes out to you. You are not alone. That's why I write about this issue - so people know there are others coping with this problem. Have you gone to Al-Anon?
Please do check with the VA if he is a veteran. If not, try to find a doctor who can get him into treatment for his alcoholism. You will likely have to find a new home for him, unless you/he can pay the AL while he is in treatment. They may be more willing to keep him if he does get treatment for alcoholism. If the doctor thinks he's so far into dementia that treatment won't work, then he can advise you. A nursing home may be in order.
Whatever happens, if he is taken off alcohol, he will likely need medical treatment, as this will be a shock to his body.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol
Carol, Thank you so much for getting back with me on my concerns with my Dad! You don't know how alone I feel and how unsure I am in dealing with my dad. So for me to find you online was such a blessing.
You had mentioned getting him a Dr. who is familiar with the Alz. and Achohol. Who would I look for in the yellow pages? And yes, he was in the military. He had the opportunity to go to AA but forgets to go even when I remind him that day. The center will take him twice a week but he forgets to go. I really feel that he is not pretending to forget because of all the other things he can't remember. I will check with the dr. to find out his opinion about weather or not he can benefit from going in his mental condition.
Who do I talk to about detox? He has not had a drink for 3 days (unless he drank late at night, which is a possibility). He also wanted to take the aniabuse pill that will make him sick if he drinks. What is your opinion on that? Do you think it will help him not to drink or will it cause him more harm thn good?
Thank you so much for your help Carol.
Please try your veterans center. They handle these things a lot, including antabuse. Alcoholic veterans usually get treatment and it seems like your dad actually wants to quit but can't. That is the disease.
Maybe if he gets treatment he can get what he needs from support and AA. Definitely contact the VA and let me know how it goes. He's lucky to have you.
Carol
i just read your story and i know what you are going through! my dad has lived with me for 2 years now. i wish i could say its been great but it has not. i love my dad so much thats why i do it. i i don't even know what to say to make you feel better because it gets worse. your not alone though i really do undersand. please feel free to e-mail me if you want someone to talk too. cit17@verizon.net you will be in my prayers!!!!!
hi my dad is alcholic and has demensia. the good thing is he has been sober for 3 years now. the bad thing is its to late. he has lived with me for a little over 2 yrs now. ive spent the last 18 years taking him to rehabs hospitals, hoping he would stay sober and be happy. I have picked him up of the floor (bloody and brused) from falling or just passing out more times than i can count. ive almost lost my job several times because when he calls for help im there, instead of going to work. i could probally go on for hours about all the bad things ive been through with him. living with us has been the hardest thing ive ever done. He can never be left alone. we pay a "dad sitter" while we work. we have not been out alone for a movie or dinner in so long. i watch my dad who i love so much slowly die everyday. he calls me mom. i have to lock my frig at night. he pees all over the house. he wakes us up every night for one thing or another. I have a 16 year old daughter who is awesome. but she gets angery because i miss some things because i have no one to care for dad. how can i blame her! im afraid to take him in public because he acts out. i feel so alone most the time!!! but he's my daddy and i love him. i tired of feeling like no one understands!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Many people don't understand how you can love someone so much who has been an active alcoholic. They don't understand that alcoholism is a disease. Now he is sober. That's wonderful. Obviously, dementia has taken over and you can't enjoy his sobriety. That is so sad. Has he been to a doctor in case some of the Alzheimer's medications can help him for awhile? Is he a veteran? They have lots of help. If he is, please call them.
I know you will have a hard time getting out for Al-Anon meetings - it's hard enough to get out for your daughter's event (nearly all of us sandwich generation people have had that guilt - making the choices is so hard). But if you can find someone to stay with him, so you can go to Al-Anon, it could help you a lot.
I can't fix this for you, but my heart goes out to you. You aren't alone. There are many in this boat. Our elder alcoholics need care, too. Please do try to take care of yourself, as well.
Carol
My brother and sister and I, all in our 50's, are dealing with taking care of our 84 year old dad who has Alzheimers and has started drinking again after being sober with AA for over 30 years. Our mom passed away a year ago, and Dad started drinking again shortly after that. He started with wine, but now we have found bottles of gin which he hides in the garage so we won't find anything in the house. My sister found a half empty bottle hidden in a bag in the garage.
We wonder if he remembers that he is an alcoholic, and maybe he doesn't realize he shouldn't be drinking, but he's hiding it from us so he has to know. We have talked to him about this several times, and he assures us that after the first time we asked about it he quit.
He lives alone in the house that we grew up in, and we are worried about his safety, especially with winter coming. He still drives to church and the store, but we know that we need to stop that. Who do you go to to get help with matters like this? I've decided to talk further with his doctor. We've told him about it, but he can't tell when Dad is in his office, so he doesn't realize how serious the problem is. We really don't know if Dad's quickly failing memory and judgement are from the alcohol or the Alzheimer's or a combination of the two. And which is the most pressing problem that we need to address first?
Any help would be appreciated!
This is just a guess, but since your dad started drinking after your Mom died (he quit going to AA?), and he has AD, he's probably gone back cognitively to a time where he doesn't remember how to work the AA program - he may not remember he worked the program at all. Early on, his friends there may be been able to help, but he may not be able to recognize his friiends now.
Had he been diagnosed with AD when your mom died? The time to have "caught" the alcohol slip would have been with that first glass of wine, if he was still active with AA and had friends to help. This is not your fault - never believe it is.
In the end, the person has to want to stop drinking. If his AD has removed most of the ability to "work the program," then his disease of alcoholism has the upper hand. First of all, try to remember that alcoholism is a disease, just as AD is. There is no cure, just a daily reprieve for those who find a way through AA or another means. But memory is part of maintaining that spiritual approach that AA uses, and he may have lost the ability.
I don't want anything to sound hopeless, so if you know of AA friends who can talk to him, it's worth a try. But you may just end up putting up with his drinking. I'd suggest a few Al-Anon meetings for you. You may find others with this dilemma. You will learn that you can't control another person's actions (or be reminded of that with caring people around you).
Drinking will likely send his health downward, perhaps hospitalizing him from a fall.
His doctor needs the details, perhaps written in a letter before an appointment, so he knows how serious the drinking is.
That way, if he has a solution (which I doubt) he can tell you. Otherwise, I don't know that you have much of a choice but to address the AD as you can, and when you can get him in a facility, they can cut back his drinks enough so he doesn't risk his health as much. Any cutting back, should be done under medical supervision so he doesn't go into withdrawal.
Please contact the Alzheimer’s organization in your area or go online to the helpline at the Alzheimer’s Foundation of America or the National Alzheimer’s Association. Believe it or not, this is a fairly common problem. You are not alone.
Take care of yourself with this, please. You know neither disease is your fault, nor is your dad’s drinking again something you can control. Please get support for both issues to help you handle it all.
Blessings,
Carol
Thank you so much for the reply and the advice. We have contacted a friend of Dad's from AA, and he called him one time and asked him to a meeting, but Dad declined. To our knowledge, Dad hasn't heard from him since. We were noting how sad it is that since Mom died, all the "friends" have stopped calling or stopping by. I think they are uncomfortable with Dad so they just stay away.
I am going to take your advice and send a letter to Dad's doctor before his next appointment. And I will ask for an earlier appt. since the neurologist scheduled him next for September 2012! We can't wait that long.
Thank you again!
Next year? That's horribifc! Have you tried a geriatrician? These doctors see many elders with alcoholism, as well as other aging issues. Aging is their specialty.
You are right that people don't handle death well in our culture. They don't handle brain issues well either. My dad had brain surgery due to the effects of an old WWII injury. The surgery backfired and threw him into instant dementia.
People who'd adored him throughout his life "just couldn't stand to see him that way." Granted, it was very difficult. But he would have given anything to see some of those people (he remembered people). So sad. We have to forgive people like that because they are only doing what they can, but it's very hard for those of us remaining. Please try to take care of yourself and get your dad into some kind of doctor. I hope the letter helps the one he has do something.
Blessings,
Carol
I don't know what a doctor would do in this case. Unless the doctor can convince your dad to do things to correct this situation, there is nothing the doctor can do.
Hire a caregiver from a home care co. The home care professionals have more chance to convince your Dad that he needs caregivers and etc. Sometimes they can convince him that they can help.
For my FIL, the home care co. convinced him that they could help a lot and they told him it is common practice. We told him it was required by law. (His neighbor wanted to call social worker because my FIL was home alone. So we told him we had to hire caregivers.)
Good luck,
NC
I am writing because my father has the first stages of Alzheimer's and it is being mix with a bad case of wine intake daily. My father is a very strong person. We are having problems with cursing and aggresive behavior mostly after 12:00 noon.
That's when the wine intake starts. His disposition is tottally of Denial and refuse to seek help. At this point, I don't think he realize what is happening. What I am affraid is that my mother gets hurt or my father hurts someone driving under the influence. How can I get him to stop drinking his daily gallon of wine or to stop him from driving?
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Thank you for your kind words.
Most alcoholics are wonderful people. They happen to have a disease that can make them much less than what they actually are. Thank God your parents' doctor understands. This is not discussed often enough which is why I get many personal emails on the subject. Few people write about Alcoholism and dementia, so they uncover me on the internet. The stigma and lack of understanding are likely two reasons the subject is so elusive.
Take care of yourself, and hopefully something will happen that your parents can get some type of recovery before full-blown dementia disables them both. Carol