Antibiotics and the Elderly: When Do We Say No?

And that's why I have mine, Tracy. Good for you!

As you say, it still isn't easy. My parents had their health care directives, but, with both eventually suffering from demention, it was still hard to let them go. There was grief but still relief in knowing they would no longer suffer (and the family with them). I still remember my uncle, as he was dying. He was offered antibiotics, and he shouted "No!" He knew it was time. That made it easier, as I sat by his bedside and held his hand while he died.

Thanks so much for your feedback.

Carol

You've certainly got your hands full, Nina. It's all too common to see that an elder is treated as someone you just "cope with," since they "won't live long anyway." I hate that idea. Quality of life is what it's about, and that is for everyone.

At least you have some insightful in-home care. That should help with some of the decisions. A nursing home may be in you FIL's future, but this doctor does seem to have a sort of conflict of interest. Remember that you and your other family members fit into the picture, too. Everyone needs care, including you.

I'm glad you've joined our community here on Our Alzheimer's.

Carol

Hi Carol,

Yes, the nursing home is just doing what they have to do, which leaves the decisions in the hands of the family. I know the knot in your stomach well. It's so difficult to decide when enough is enough.

However, you know your mother. How much does she want to live -  no matter what? What would she have told you, ten years ago, if you gave her a description of where she is now? That was what I used for my guide when I made decisions for my elders. What were their feelings when they were well enough to discuss them?

Remembering back to what my parents said when they sympathized with others, and what they implied or said they wanted for themselves, helped me feel better when I had to say it was time to stop treating and time to call hospice to help with the quality of life. Bless you, Carol, for your caring heart and for what you are going through.

If you haven't talked with your local hopsice, I would suggest you do. They can help you give your mother some peace and comfort. They have people that can help you make these decisions as to how much more "curing" your mother can take.

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you'll check back.

Carol

Wow, you sure are fast at responding!!  Thank you so much.  I had asked the NP about hospice about a year ago, and her response was , OH, she is not ready for Hospice!!  well, i think now she is..My mother is such a fighter and a tough woman, which makes your question difficult about how much does she want to live?  I can see how tired she is tho, and it makes me sad.  I have siblings, but i am the ONE who is doing this, since they are far away.. I just wish she would close her eyes and go peacfully, but I guess that isn't how it happens..

You are a great resource. Thank you.

Carol

The advice you got about hospice is unfortunate. Hospice isn't only for the last days or weeks. It's for when comfort is chosen over curing. Would you believe that some people have gone on hospice, improved without their "curing" medications and gone off hospice? It happens. But usually it's hospice that will help people like your mom just "close their eyes and go." They are wonderful at giving you, the caregiver, peace of mind and helping the sick person live in relative comfort until they go naturally. Take care,

Carol

Thank you Carol. I plan on talking to the nursing home today about some better options for my mother.  This is a wonderful helpful site.

Carol

I'd love to hear how it goes.

Take care,

Carol

Hi Carol

Well, my mother got over the cold without any more antibiotics, but it really set her back. On Easter sunday, she would barely lift her head or open her eyes. SHe had been eating and drinking less and less for several days. I said to the head nurse, "It is time for hospice" , and she agreed.  Today I hope to talk to the hospice people, altho my brother and the head nurse got the paperwork etc started yesterday.  I was at work yesterday, so i wasn't able to be there.  I just wonder how long this whole process lasts?  My guess is there is no way of telling, but i sure do hope it isn't too drawn out.  SOunds terrible, but I just can't keep it up. Poor little thing, she was better last evening when i went over after work to help her "eat".. mostly she is still drinking, but not eating much at all.  AT least she opened her eyes and said a few things.  They are giving her pain med. under her tongue?? not sure what it is, but i thought it strange they gave it to her rite before they put the dinner down in front of her, and it made her get sleepier rite away..

Thank you.

carol

did you respond to this??? because i never got it..

thanks.

I didn't get the alert until this morning (26th) - Carol

You are not "bad" for hoping this goes quickly. Who would want to watch this suffering go on and on? You're a caring person and you want this drama to end for you all. That's normal and good.

You are right that there is no way to know how long it will last, but with hospice on board your mom will quickly become comfortable. She may not eat, as her body is shutting down. Don't worry - she is not hungry if she doesn't want food. As people's organs shut down, their body can't handle food.

I smiled at the "pain meds before dinner and then she gets sleepy," as that brought back memories of my mother. She only weighed about 85 pounds when she was dying. But the food didn't matter as much as the liquids at that stage. Hospice will know when even liquids are not wanted by her body. They will keep her comfortable and you'll be able to hold her hand, stroke her hair and be with her. Try to touch her. I wish I'd touched my mother more as she lay there, instead of watching her in awe, and not as much touching. I regret that, as she would have felt my presence more (this goes under the "if I'd kown then...." list we all have).

Bless you and please do keep in touch. I've been where you are. You will feel both grief and relief when it's over. That is okay! It's human and humane. Take care of yourself, too.

Carol

HI Carol

My mother died last Friday.  in the end it all went quite quickly.  She ate less each day, until she was eating and drinking little or nothing.  She was given morphein every 2 hrs, so I am sure that helped her "go" more quickly too.  My regret is that we weren't with here since she died at 5am, but a very kind nurse was with her and said she went quite peacefully.  We had a wake and a funeral, and now everyone is gone and back to their routines, but it is different for me, since she was such a part of my daily routine.  I am so happy for her that she is in a better place with her husband that she lost 36 yrs ago, but I am sad for me, but i know i was a good daughter and hold no regrets.  Each day i think i will feel better.

thank you for listening.

carol

Hi Carol,

Yes, you mother is in a better place. That doesn't mean it's not painful for you. You are so right that she was a big part of your life. Everyone else moves on. But you will forever know how much you did to make her last years better. That's a lovely feeling. And expect, that you too will move on, but you will have the stangest times when something will remind you of her and grief will well up. That's part of the process. Now it's time to take care of yourself. Hospice grief counselors are there for you, too. They are wonderful, and can help you through the rough spots.

Please feel free to keep checking in.

Carol