Grieving the Diagnosis: The Long and Winding Road

The stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and eventual acceptance – are not always in that order. They stampede through us, often grouped together and bound so tightly that it’s hard to separate them. They hide in corners, only to pop out when we think we’ve chased them away. They trade places and taunt us. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance and depression. The times we feel acceptance aren’t times of “oh, it’s okay.” They are times where we just accept what is happening as the truth. We understand that it is real. We can find acceptance, but then, around the corner, denial is once again lurking.

By the time Jim and Marie arrived home, they had worked their way toward anger. Anger at the doctor who delivered the message. Anger at the world for allowing this disease to exist. Anger at God for this horrible blow, during what should have been a time of celebration. Bargaining with God soon took over for Jim, while Marie was wrestling with depression over the loss of their future together. Soon, they were fighting - something they rarely did. It made no sense. They were fighting over how Jim could have prevented this disease. Fortunately, that was short-lived. They knew it was the emotion of the moment. Marie cried that she was sorry. Jim said he knew. It was fear. Fear of the unknown – and the known.

Accepting the truth in one’s heart takes time. So the first reactions, the first emotions are an overwhelming storm. Jim remembered a neighbor, a once sweet, gentle man, who, in late stage Alzheimer’s, had begun hitting his wife. That was when the neighbor went to a nursing facility. Marie remembered her grandmother, and how her grandmother would wander the house and wail like an animal in pain. Marie vaguely remembered the words “senile dementia” being whispered by her parents. Images of Jim roaming the house howling found a home in her brain. They both thought of their son and his family. Would their grandson’s only memories of Jim be like those Marie has of her grandmother?

They had a night of crying and little sleep. By morning, perhaps out of exhaustion, they were once again looking for loopholes. Denying the truth they had been told. They were bargaining with the future, the past, with God as they knew him. They talked of calling their son. But Jim and Marie needed time. They took another day to absorb what they had been told.

They needed time to accept enough of the truth to move on and seek information. To ask about medications that can slow the progress. They need time to research, plan and then reach out to the community they helped build. And they would need to help their son, daughter-in-law and grandson through the hurricane of emotions the young family would have to navigate. Grieving is complicated process, and the family would need to support each other as they found their way.