I agree with your article and I'm glad you brought it up! . It's not always so cut and dry with sharing responsbilities with your siblings. My sister and I come from a family of 6 and we are the only 2 who somehow got appointed THE CAREGIVERS to our parents. I am the youngest, she is the middle child. She is a widow and mother to a grown woman. I am a new mom with a 2 year old. Our other older sister helps out, but she has some emotional issues that she still struggles with and sometimes is more a burden to us than a help. She also has her own family. Our other brother helps when we ask,specifically financial help but other than that he is naive to the situation and has many responsibilities and many children. Lastly, our oldest brother has no communication whatsoever, just apathy on that end. Our other brother is also out of the loop, but helps when we request it. Other than that, we are the doers and the thinkers.
I'm still thankful to have my sister though. My Godmother had nobody but her husband. She lost her mom 3 years ago, and cared for her full-time and worked full-time. After her mom passed away, my Godmother got very sick and just recently was able to recover.
~Rose
www.caring-for-mom-and-dad.info
Thanks for adding to my post, Rose. You gave it some real-life drama. This is a snapshot of what happens in so many families. Experts can give all the advice they want about family meetings and mediation, and sometimes that works. It's great to give it a shot. But real life is real life, and all too often a situation like yours is reality. At least you get some help.
Take care of yourself and keep checking back for support,
Carol
Carol,
your post really rang true for me. I am an only child and a full-time caregiver to my mom, who had a massive stroke. To top it off, I am only 32 and not married. In the beginning I wished so badly that I had help. Then I starting to witness some pretty bad arguements between siblings at the hospital, etc. One of the first questions I always hear is "do you have any brothers or sisters". When I say "no", an immediate look of pity comes across their faces. There are days, of course, that I wish I had more help. Then there are days I am glad I don't have the extra drama of having to hash it out with a sibling. On one hand, I know with my capability and love, I am giving my mother the best care I can. On the other hand, being an "only" is quite a weight to bear but sadly...one that only children are used to from a very young age. I don't remember a time not worrying about my parents and feeling that "weight" whether they were sick or healthy. It is a blessing and a curse (like most things in life I suppose). Its a blessing that you have that bond with a parent that Only you have, but that makes the loss that much worse. Take care. ps- i found you on twitter :)
~caregiversara http://caregiversupport.wordpress.com
my husband and myself and youngest son, moved back to my parents hometown to be closer to my parents almost eight years ago, well 3 years ago sadly to say my mom passed away.one step brother i have not seen sinse my moms funeral,i should mention i have 8 step siblings and 2 biological younger sisters.stepsiblings r scattered over continent but can still contribute to sibling fighting over the care of my dad who was diagnosed 2 years ago after getting lost for 17 hours,with alzheimers.none of them talk to me, the steps i mean which is fine, we all parted after moms death,but continue to talk to one of my younger sisters,no one ever comes to see my dad no one helps in any way but can sure cause trouble and havoc . now dad recently moved into a care facility and is doing very good, he did live with me for about 3 months before going into the facility and i was appointed primary caregiver only cause i was the one who did everything dr. app. everything,etc.etc. the dr. advised dad to go in carehome,because was too hard on me and my family because i had no help and u would think with that many in a family,just fighting amonst themselves and my poor dad is still sitting alone in a care facility,i still worked full time and have a 13 year old at home, my husband works and lives in the city mon to fri.and i still go to school 1 nite a week, i did have daily homecare,while i worked,but never a weekend to ourselves cause we had no help.my husband and i r trying to put our marriage back on track,all he ever listened to was me and the one sister they all talk to was fighting constantly on the phone she would tell them everything bad or good that i told her.i wish i was an only child,imagine having 10 other people fighting u for something they dont even help with or know anything about,my dad i mean.noone ever sees him,but they all blame me for putting him in a carehome,if any one of them happens to see this i just want to say thank u from dad for all the care and support u have shown for me.
Hi Susie,
Your situation is sadly too common. The one who is "it" gets the work and the blame. The rest get on with their lives, except to criticize the choices made by the caregiver. That, indeed, makes many wish they were the only child.
Blessing to you for doing the right thing under very difficult conditions.
Carol
Carol, I have just discovered your site this evening and already feel that I would like to thank you. I am the only daughter of an 83 year old father who himself was the sole caregiver of my sickly mother for many years and lives 1000 miles from me. Since my mother's death eight years ago and his inability to keep working a few years later, I have watched my Dad slowly sink into lonliness, isolation, depression, denial, alcohol as a buffer, and recently increasing signs of reduced mental capacity. I must admit that I am still somewhat in denial myself, telling myself for some time that as long as he was in his own environment he functioned well (and in some areas still does - cleaning, shopping, bathing, paying bills, etc.) but I can no longer ignore that he has lost a sense of time and perspective. Because he has no required schedule he naps often, sometimes losing a sense of day and night, focuses almost to obsession on a doctor's appointment six weeks away to the point of showing up once a week just to check with them on the appointment.
I guess I am writing this entry this evening because as an long-distance only child I am scared of what is coming and have found some initial solace in the helpful articles on your site.
Although I am a reasonalbe intelligent, responsible woman, I feel I am too emotionally involved with my Dad to think rationally at this point; any suggestions you may have would be greatly appreciated.
HI Dee,
If you can afford it, a geriatric care manager, usually a social worker or nurse, would be ideal for the connection between you and your dad's needs. You could see if there is one in his community. This person could monitor the types of care your dad needs and help you implement it. Also, you can go to the state Web site (where he lives) and type in "aging". There you should find links to help, as well as their version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program. Try contacting them - they could be invaluable.
Assisted living may be on the horizon, or at least in-home care. Please keep coming back for support and information. This is tough, I know.
Let me know how you are doing,
Best,
Carol
Hi Dee,
As you may know from what I wrote before, my husband is the only child in the States. But there is another elder son in Europe who never visits his Dad but he calls his Dad a lot. As the result, my husband is really like the only child in his father's current marriage. My late mother-in-law passed away in 2004. As soon as she died, his congition level dropped soon. It took 6 years to get to be late stage Alzheimer's. My husband and I used to be long-distance caregivers.
I would suggest that you find a partner in health care: either the in-home care service that may offer a nurse's help, or the assisted living. It depends on how much he can afford it with his pension. Usually if you can, you need to be with him physically: either move him to where you are, or move to where he is. If you cannot be together as long-distanced caregiver, you have to hire in-home care service so the caregivers can come for a few hours or even 24 hours in the future to take care of him.
In the end, if the elder lives a long time and develops severe illness, a nursing home may need to be considered. My father-in-law is now in a residential care facility due to his old age - 90 years old as well as some other illness that came along this year. Now we are still a little long-distanced (2 hours drive now, better than 15 hours drive.) But we are in different countries.
If you can, it is best that you try to be closer to him (either you go to him or he goes to you.) Of course, you also need to be his health care proxy Power Of Attorney as well as financial POA.
Also if your Dad can co-operate with you, he may also consider assisted living home so he can get attention by the health care workers.
Good luck,
Nina
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Carol,
Sometimes we wish my step-brother-in-law can help. But he is in Poland and is not American so he cannot help the caregiving esp. in the legal areas. American laws only allow American residents to deal with the relatives in the court like guardian. In a way I think more siblings help. I just watched the movie The Savages and there the brother and sister are helping each other although they fight at times. The movie showed that their father died and they have learned a lot from this ordeal. Although I have to say the father died too soon in the movie (it is slow in real life as you know), the story about the siblings is quite touching.
At times we email with my husband's half-brother. He can only encounrage or agree with us in the home care area. I don't like the way our home care nurse put it (she said he is a stranger to my FIL) because he still calls my FIL every weekend. He forgot him slowly as he has not seen his elder son for at least 40 years. An only child does need more support as you pointed out and he/she should get more support from the parent's friends and etc. Unfortunately my FIL does not have many friends so we go with the few friends that he has; or we can go to my late Mom-in-law's friends if we need to. In general, siblings are better if the relationships are good enough.
Regards,
Nina
Thanks for the reply, Nina. You sound like such an understanding person. Families are complicated, at times, which is why everyone seems to struggle with issues sometimes. But it's usally good to have family around, unless there's been abuse.
Take care,
Carol