Home for the Holidays: Be Prepared

Thanksgiving is, for many of us, the beginning of a string of holidays. Sometime between now and the New Year, many adult children will make an attempt to visit with their aging parents.

Adult children carry with them memoires of holidays past. The sights and smells of the familiar home with Mom and Dad there to present a warm family gathering. So, when we go back to visit, even if we consciously know our parents are aging, we subconsciously expect things to stay the same. This expectation can really throw us when we are presented with reality.

CNN.com ran an article addressing this issue titled, "What to do when mom or dad doesn't recognize you." The article is specifically about Alzheimer's, which can present some of the most dramatic changes, but I believe the issue spans all degenerative issues with aging parents.

The CNN article has some good tips to help people who aren't used to being around an elder with Alzheimer's disease, such as slow down and simplify your speaking, don't yell (they aren't forgetting because they didn't hear you), and watch your body language.

Body language is something I often remind people to watch. Even when people don't seem to understand a thing you are saying, if you are acting impatient or frustrated by their behavior, they will know it. That only makes them more agitated and anxious and the cycle continues to worsen. So, yes, remember the body language.

I would add that if you know the parent has Alzheimer's you should go online or call your local Alzheimer's group for information. Read up on things such as distracting them from something they keep repeating, and validating their observations, which are as real to them as yours are to you. Constantly correcting someone, especially in the more advanced stages, only causes anger and humiliation. If you are prepared with tools to handle the issues you'll face, you'll have an easier time adjusting to the changes.

An aspect of going home for the holidays that wasn't addressed in this CNN article is what I call the miracle transformation. Often, there is one sibling near the parent who has been the primary caregiver. I was that person in our family. I would watch the decline of our parents and worry about how this shock would affect my brother, when he made his yearly visit.

So, I would prepare him, via phone conversations and emails. I'd tell him, "You have to expect that they (our parents) are thinner and paler. Remember that they may not be able to carry on much of a conversation. In other words, they may seem shockingly worse to you."

I'd also actively prepare our parents for the impending visit of their son, creating excitement and giving them something to look forward to. They'd ask every day, "When is David coming?" I'd tell them when he and his wife would arrive. We'd make plans for the time they were here.

Yet I'd worry about what my brother would see. He knew I was taking good care of our parents so I didn't have the problem some people face with siblings, which is blame for the parents' seemingly unexplained decline. When an adult child only sees a parent every few months or once a year, no matter what you do, they may not be ready for the shock of decline. I didn't worry about blame, but I did worry that my  brother didn't fully understand the frailty he would encounter.