Home for the Holidays: Be Prepared

The day would arrive. Dave would walk in and Mom would be sitting in her lift chair, with makeup on and a huge smile on her face. She and Dad would have more energy than I'd seen for months. Even in his demented state, Dad understood it was David. The visitor was his son. Dad was so thrilled he glowed.

I felt I looked, to my brother and his wife, like Chicken Little screaming about the sky falling. Basically, my parents' instant regeneration made me look, at best like a complainer and an exaggerator.

However - and this is very, very common - as soon as my brother would leave, my parents would crash. They'd been so pumped up to see him that they made a nearly super human recovery. Then he'd go home, and bam! They'd be worn out. They'd be depressed. In other words, they'd be back to where they'd been before all of the excitement. 

The last year of  my parents' lives (they died five months apart) is one I'll never forget for many reasons. However, one of my saddest chores was having to be honest with Mom about the fact that she'd forgotten Dave's visit as soon as he was out the door.

She had been so excited to see him, and when he came, the time went fast. The day after he left, Mom asked me, "When is David coming?" There was no memory of his real visit. And this, my friends, was not a situation where distraction or validation would work. There was nothing to do but tell her the painful truth. Her son had come and gone and she had no memory of it.

So, the pain of the holiday visit to aging parents, especially those with dementia of any type, goes both ways. The adult children who are visiting need to prepare for changes in their elders, physically and mentally. They need to get some education and they need to communicate with the primary caregiver.

The pain of the primary caregiver and the aging parent may come after the visit when the sad reality of a forgotten last visit must be explained. These issues can make for some tough times during the holidays.

All we can do is our best. Expectations need to be thrown to the wind, because every holiday from now on will be different. Tuck away your childhood memories. You don't want to lose them, as they should remain precious to you. But don't expect a re-run anymore. The elders are changing, and you, the caregiver, will have to go with the flow.

For more information about Carol go to www.mindingourelders.com or www.mindingoureldersblogs.com