Increasing Numbers of Men Are Joining the Army of Family Caregivers

Their numbers keep rising. Traditionally, it's been women who have taken on the caregiver role, and women are still, statistically, in the majority. However, things are changing. When I first interviewed caregivers for my book, Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories, I thought I'd have to scour the state for male caregivers. It ended up that four out of the twenty caregivers I interviewed were men. It wasn't a purposeful thing - it just happened. I found out soon after, through a little research, that 25% was the approximate percentage of male caregivers, at that time.

I recently read where that number is now 40%. As with a count of any kind, there is a large margin for error, but the numbers are definitely climbing. The nytimes.com site recently ran an article titled, "More Men Take the Lead Role in Caring for Elderly Parents." The article mirrored much of what I heard from the men I interviewed, as well as what was written about in two books I reviewed for this site, Dementia Diary: A Caregiver's Journal, by Robert Tell and The Parent Care Conversation, By Dan Taylor.

The Times article spotlighted one man who was unmarried and seemed the likely person in the family to care for the ailing mother. He quit his job and moved in with her.  In the article, he talks of the social isolation of the caregiver, and the feeling of being unprepared for the role. I think these feelings describe many, if not most, caregivers of either gender.

It's pointed out that men are less likely to know other men going through the same experience, and there are apt to be fewer men in caregiver support groups. This is certainly the case on a caregiving forum I moderate. The forum is online, and is open to either gender, yet far fewer men than women take part. It seems many men still have a hard time admitting that caregiving is tough going, alone.

Men also, according to the article, have a harder time owning up to their new responsibilities when it comes to their employer. The feeling that the man is totally dedicated to his job, and family comes second, is still a problem in our society. I would  add that many women face the same hardships, but perhaps it is harder in some fields for men to be seen as capable of caregiving and holding a job at the same time.

The article also points out that men want their role as caregivers validated. Again, I'm sure it is harder for men to be validated as working when they are caregiving, but I will personally attest to the fact that during the two decades of elder care I provided (spread over seven elders), few people thought I was working. Wasn't I just doing what came naturally?

I really felt for the man in the Times article when the topic of bathing his mother was discussed. I'll never forget the first time I took my dad to the bathroom. He was still at home, but my mother had gone out, he had to use the bathroom and he couldn't do it alone.  I was terrified that he'd feel humiliated. However, he handled it well. I tried to spare his dignity as much as possible, and eventually, as the years went by and nursing home employees - mostly women - bathed him and took him to the bathroom, I also could do it without anxiety about his feelings.