What people didn't realize is that if I'd taken my children to the nursing home for the meals each holiday, my kids would not, for 15 years of their lives, have had a holiday meal in their own home. How fair to them would that be? It's not just one meal, it's a child's memories.
Caregivers have choices to make. We sometimes have to draw lines in the sand. My line was that my children would have a home cooked holiday dinner and at least some of my attention on those important days, so they would have some memories of home holidays. Of course, they also have memories of Mom racing around trying to do everything for everyone. But I wanted something to be normal for them. And the meal was what I chose.
My sister and I joke that we raised our kids in a nursing home. In many ways we did. But we did refuse to give up everything for the elders. Kids count, too. And, believe it or not, so does the caregiver.
Each of you will make different decisions for these holidays. Each of you will make sacrifices. Each of you will have an imperfect holiday and so will your elders and your children. You'll have to decide what is most important for each of them, and for you. And then you will do what you need to do - imperfectly. And then, if you are smart, you will let it go. Good enough has to be good enough. If people criticize you, that is their problem.
You deserve at least a semi-happy holiday as much as your elders and your children. Let go of perfection so you can at least have that.
To learn more about Carol, please go to www.mindingourelders.com or www.mindingoureldersblogs.com.
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