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I wish that I had this information available to me when I was taking care of my grandmother, who had Dementia, three years ago. I tried to "bring her" into my world instead to "going to her". I didn't know to tell her that the people outside her window were going to leave soon, instead I insisted that no one was out there at all. I wish now that I would have went outside, when she thought someone was outside her window trying to hurt her, came back into the house and told her that I had talked to them and they were waiting for a ride. My dad now has Alzheimer's and I am more aware of how to handle what is going on with him. My mom and I attend a support group once a month which is great for both of us. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
Cathy, we all wish we'd done some things differently. We learn as we go. We're human, too, and sometimes react instead of giving consideration to the issue. You are so wise and humble to have learned and to now want try a new approach. If it makes you feel any better, for many years I was berated by psychiatrists for doing what I did, but then suddenly I was a genius (psychiatric methods changed).
Keep checking in with caregivers as we all have something to share. In the end. you will have to make a new decision each time there is a "crisis."
Blessings,
Carol
I really liked your article. it confirmed many things I have and go through with my dad. this last visit was about high school and when he asked me if I remembered high school I just said it was a long time ago and I have forgotten a lot. it bothered him that he didn't remember so I grabbed his high school year book and he had a nice time looking through it. What was nice was he saw himself and also my mother who graduated with him. He talked about her all the next day. (she passed 6 years ago). thank you for your thoughts and insites.
Keep a sense of humor, Jerriann
I admire your imagination, patience, and your obvious love and compassion for your father. It is obvious that you have had a very loving relationship with your father.
I do feel compelled to respond to your question "Who does it hurt?" to go along with delusions in order to keep the peace. It's a questions I struggle with. I feel that's a deeper question that we each have to answer individually. There are times when I go along with father's delusions that I feel that I am entering his paranoid world by going along with him, that I am in fact hurting my own soul by agreeing to something I know is untrue -- especially since most of his delusions involve accusations against innocent people.
Of course I am not talking about delusions such as remembering a class ring that never existed. I am talking a father who accuses his son of threatening to kill him, who accuses my husband of plotting against him. Should I go along with such delusions just to keep the peace? I cannot, no matter how upset that makes him. Who does it hurt to agree the sky is green in that case? It hurts me, deep in my soul.
You are entirely right about this. Your situation is fits with my dad's thinking there was a war in town. I also had issues with both of my parents where they thought various things such as people were trying to kill him (Dad) and stealing things (Mom). You can't "agree" with that. The only thing to do then is to quietly say that their mind is playing tricks and that this just isn't so and move on the best you can. It's very hard to distract them from these thoughts, but you can't agree with such a thing. Sometimes distraction works, but often it doesn't.
I know where you are with this as much as anyone can know what another is going through. It's dreadful and my heart goes out to you. I spent a lot of time in your shoes.
Take care of yourself the best you can
Carol
Carol,
I know what you mean. When my FIL insisted we were to kill him (he was just being hospitalized for overnight obsercaton,) he said he forgave us and all that kind of crap... The caregiver tried to convince him but could not. the nurses were laughing when they heard that he said he is being killed...
There is nothing we can change that. I believe he still has this thought that hospital can kill him and we can kill him somewhat.... Now and then he would say he is depressed and wants to go. I think he thought people can kill him like the pets.
This is worse than when he said the killer was to kill him (that killer was in another state and was killed by the police.) The caregiver just had to distract him and took him out for a walk and he forgot about it the next day.
You are right, there are some negative thoughts that we cannot agree with. But there is nothing we can do to change their faulty logic. Their are in their own world.
Take care,
Nina
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I can really relate with your post, Carol. I have been best friend--and now--caregiver to an 88 year old woman. Her incessant rants that someone has stolen something else almost drove me over the edge for a while. Now, though, I listen. I help her look for the item. Often times, we find it. Sometimes, we don't. Every day is a challenge. I hope that those around me are as kind as you were to your father when--and if--I get to that stage. Keep up the good work.
Leah
Leah, it's wonderful you can help your friend and relate to how you'd want to be treated in similar situations. I hope you never get to that point, but if you do, your family will have had a good role model.
Blessings my friend,
Carol