Getting Into Their Heads: The Advantages of Not Arguing With Someone Who Has Dementia

I can really relate with your post, Carol.  I have been best friend--and now--caregiver to an 88 year old woman.  Her incessant rants that someone has stolen something else almost drove me over the edge for a while.  Now, though, I listen.  I help her look for the item.  Often times, we find it.  Sometimes, we don't.  Every day is a challenge.  I hope that those around me are as kind as you were to your father when--and if--I get to that stage.  Keep up the good work.

Leah

I wish that I had this information available to me when I was taking care of my grandmother, who had Dementia, three years ago.  I tried to "bring her" into my world instead to "going to her".  I didn't know to tell her that the people outside her window were going to leave soon, instead I insisted that no one was out there at all.  I wish now that I would have went outside, when she thought someone was outside her window trying to hurt her, came back into the house and told her that I had talked to them and they were waiting for a ride.  My dad now has Alzheimer's and I am more aware of how to handle what is going on with him.  My mom and I attend a support group once a month which is great for both of us.  Thanks for sharing your experiences.

I really liked your article. it confirmed many things I have and go through with my dad. this last visit was about high school and when he asked me if I remembered high school I just said it was a long time ago and I have forgotten a lot. it bothered him that he didn't remember so I grabbed his high school year book and he had a nice time looking through it. What was nice was he saw himself and also my mother who graduated with him. He talked about her all the next day. (she passed 6 years ago). thank you for your thoughts and insites.

Keep a sense of humor, Jerriann

I admire your imagination, patience, and your obvious love and compassion for your father. It is obvious that you have had a very loving relationship with your father.

I do feel compelled to respond to your question "Who does it hurt?" to go along with delusions in order to keep the peace. It's a questions I struggle with. I feel that's a deeper question that we each have to answer individually. There are times when I go along with father's delusions that I feel that I am entering his paranoid world by going along with him, that I am in fact hurting my own soul by agreeing to something I know is untrue -- especially since most of his delusions involve accusations against innocent people.

Of course I am not talking about delusions such as remembering a class ring that never existed. I am talking a father who accuses his son of threatening to kill him, who accuses my husband of plotting against him. Should I go along with such delusions just to keep the peace? I cannot, no matter how upset that makes him. Who does it hurt to agree the sky is green in that case? It hurts me, deep in my soul.