Elders are not large children. They are people who have lived a long life and they have left a legacy, good or not so good - likely mixed - but still a legacy, during this life. Even if you are changing their diapers, you must do so with an attitude of respect. One caregiver I know used to tell her mom, "Don't worry, this will likely happen to me, too." She was a nonchalant as possible, doing what needed doing, but soothing her mother with attitude that this isn't such a huge issue. It can happen to any of us.

So, the next time dad is mad because you write the checks and he can't carry money, give it a thought. Could he have a little cash and carry his billfold? I used to keep expired credit cards in my dad's wallet, and he felt more in control. I made him business cards to leave after he ate dinner at the nursing home, so he could "tip."

We caregivers will be the target of our parents' anger at times. They are struggling with so many losses. We can better serve them, and ourselves, by detaching from their angry outbursts as best we can, and even go a step farther by examining our attitude when we are caring for them. Are we doing everything we can to preserve their dignity and minimize their inevitable feelings of loss?

As caregivers, we'll never be perfect. As parents and as care receivers, they will have difficult behaviors. All we can do is our best, but an inventory of ourselves, beyond just knowing we have good intentions, can be a good idea. Maybe some adjustment in our attitude will help them accept their own losses more gracefully.

Be prepared, however, for some anger. Know that one day, you may be in their shoes, and feel angry about your situation too. And you might even take it out on the person you most trust to not desert you - your caregiver.

For more information about Carol go to www.mindingourelders.com or www.mindingoureldersblogs.com.