Siblings Who Prefer Inheritance over Parents’ Best Care

Jan, I am sorry to know what happened in your family. My parents made it clear who will take care of them when they are incompetent. Well, my parents don't like to write out health directive or POA because of superstition, but we all know pretty much who will be or are in charge. This helps a lot when 5 kids of us all know ahead of time.

Take care,

Nina

I'm so sorry to say, Jan, that your situation is not unusual. I'm glad you have POA and know what your mom wanted because greed, as you say, gets ugly. Many families are fractured by this type of thing. Thank goodness your Mom did the legal work. If she hadn't, it would have been even worse.

You've done everything possible to keep the family together, so you are probably right that, at least for now, there won't be any mending. It's their loss.

My heart breaks for you, but you are obviously strong and dedicated. Your mom is lucky to have you.

Take care,

Carol

Thank you Carol for this post.  Many people would hesitate to bring this topic up at all.  I realize I am not alone with the conflict within my family but it has been painful, stressful and at times, more than I feel I can cope with.  I continue to communicate with my siblings in regard to our Mother.  I listen and try to understand and respect my other siblings feelings and opinions during such a difficult time in all of our lives.  At the end of the day, I am responsible for my Mother's care and owe it to my Mother to follow through with her wishes as she expressed years ago.  This hasn't always been easy but I am strong enough for my Mom to continue doing what is right to the best of my ability. 

As always, thank you again for your support and guidance. 

Jan 

Check back often, Jan. It's great to hear from you.

As for the fact that many people won't talk about this, I do try to bring up topics people try to shove under the bed. These things are out there, and it makes it harder for caregivers if they think they are alone. People are often ashamed of the way their family is acting. and that makes it worse. I write, from time to time, about alcoholism and elders, and get the same reaction. People are glad to know they aren't the only ones coping with these problems. That's what this kind of sharing is all about.

Take care of yourself,

Carol

You're right about it being sad, Nina. A lot of it is cultural. Many people don't see the value of an elder.

Carol

I also know that there is another type who wants the money  after the parents die. These adult children would serve and caregive the parents with eager hands because they want to please them so they get most out of it.  This is the other way of getting the inheritance but at least they take care of the parents.

Chinese values the elderly as treasure because of their legacies and memory/experiences. This does not mean we can ignore the parents due to the memory loss.

The other reason of looking down on the elders is about the value of life. These people also think such life is useless and should go for quality of life and so the elderly should not suffer and die quickly. My father-in-law's lady friend even told me in my face that my  FIL should not live anymore due to AD (just her comment.)
Well, I will say be cautious when one talks about quality of life: is this about you don't like the way they live, or is this about you really care about them?

Nina

Yes, quality of life is tricky territory. That is one reason talking early with our adult chldren and putting it all down in writing is essential. We are all different. But caregivers should give as much quality of life to the person they care for a possible  - for however long they live and in whatever manner that is.

Carol