No more 2:00am wake ups from my beloved husband. He is gone now as you all know. I am so sorry I haven't written to many of your comments I have read them but not commented on all. It has just been so over whelming for me. I haven't left just reading them and being silent. I am back.

Many times before Ray left when it was early and the house was silent and I was exhausted and frightened I would write and ask is there life after Alzheimers and if there is what is it. I have the answer now and I hate it. If I chose to my grief would completely do me in. I have to rejoin the living now and that is what I am trying to do. 

My body isn't really cooperating with me or my mind. I run around from room to room thinking I need to do something and become lost in this now silent house. It's strange the little things you miss. The quick dashes to the grocery store while your loved one sleeps. I have all the time in the world now to do only what I want but now I find what I want is no longer here. It's so difficult when you are caring for your loved one to see past the stress the caring the day to day things we have to do to suvive and keep them going. We think we are exhausted and can go no farther and we think we can't keep doing this when in reality I now know that is what kept me going that is what kept me grounded. Caring for Ray was one of the hardest but most loving things I have ever done in my life. Would I change things NO only to have had him longer. His pain is gone mine is still going on. Just when you think you can't do this any more you can some where down inside us all we find the strength to get up each day and continue on. I am doing that now it is the only thing I have left to honor Ray by. I truly wish you all could have met him not a more loving and devoted person do I know. He suffered so much and gave so much of him self I can't just stop living he wouldn't want that.

My life has changed so dramatically. The world continues on and so shall I. I have not only been having to adjust to living with out Ray but a week after his funeral I found a leak in my bathroom. Not just an ordinary leak a slab leak. My house is torn apart from them breaking part of the foundation of my house to repair the broken pipe. It has been hard taking my house a part so quickly after Ray left nothing looks the same. In the beginning I felt as if by having people in the house doing repairs and painting that I felt as if it was erasing his memory completly no one can ever do that no matter what changes are made around here He lives in my heart and mind now. It occurred to me one day as I was working If he were still here he would have been right in the middle of it. Before Alzheimers even after the loss of his legs that man was amazing. Someone would come in to do work if he couldn't do it himself and he would be right at whoevers side handing over tools or fixing tea for them to drink. Ray was always up for any new project. As I do everything right now I know he is watching over me and would be offering advise if he could. I still stop and think if he would do it this way before I continue on. Ray taught me so much. The thing he taught me that sticks with me the most is his never ever give up spirit. No matter what life hands us you don't stop you continue on.