Hi I am Connie

It Has been almost ten months since the worst day of my life. My Love MY husband lost his battle with alzheimers and Congestive Heart Failure Jan 19, 2009.

I have cared for loved and lived with my husband with this disease. I cannot tell you how I survived this I cannot tell you how to survive this disease or the loss of a loved one. I CAN TELL YOU THIS DON'T DO WHAT I HAVE DONE DON'T LEAVE THIS SITE. I am back and I am so sorry I haven't been here. No I am not still living with this disease but it has touched me in a way I cannot walk away from if I can say one word to help any of you it is TALK  and then TALK some more talk to all here talk to your family talk to you friends just keep TALKING.

I do not know how to describe the range of emotions I have gone through you have gone through nor the ones you have yet to face. I can tell you this/this disease that so many don't understand haven't experienced is the most devestating time of my husbands and my life your lives it dosen't matter if your spouse, patient or care giver, I we have the hardest job. Our alzheimers patients first get lost in their minds and then we lose their bodies. I have to learn how to cope now with his loss. I am constantly being told it gets easier. YES parts do. NO I don't cry as much NO I don't sleep any more/sometimes I think less now. I constantly wake finding myself listening for the sounds that do not come. I find my self constanty headed for his room to check on him or to tell him something.

I have lost in the past ten months not just a husband but my best friend. I have also lost my brother in May and I just lost my Dad On the 10th of this month. I have let my grief consume me until I find I have hardly lived. I thought while caring for him I had stayed to busy to care for myself I now have come to realize I am worse then when I was running day and night caring for him.

This today is MY NEW BEGINNING. My dear friends Thank you all so very much for not walking away not becoming angry or leaving me as I left all of you briefly.

I was so angry when I learned of my husbands disease and then angry as I felt helpless to help him to get better. I became angrier when he died and I thought OH MY God how could you leave me. I became even angrier when my brother died so unexpectedly and now my Dad. My first reaction was NO this is enough not any more. More can happen more does happen and more will happen. I have to quit playing the blame game or this will just continue on I am the only one that can control my emotions my happiness my life.

I had become so angry with God with My husband for leaving this life and leaving me behind. I is just it so many times I say I. I did it before and now I find I am doing it again but this time I will use this in the proper context. I have to take control. I am the only one who can stop this merry go round I have been on and say yes I have suffered these great losses I will quit being angry and start taking control back of me back of how I feel back on how I deal with all these losses and how I can take such tragedy and help others.