Help, I'm locked up and can't get out!
Several years ago, my sister-in-law had to make the hard decision that her mother could no longer live alone. It seems that she had become forgetful enough to leave the stove on, etc. so much so that her husband was locking her on the screened porch while he went to work. Her mother would sit all day on the sofa and do nothing. At the time, we thought that this was cruel on her stepfather's part...not only could her mother not use the bathroom, but what did she do all day to occupy herself?
Since I have been diagnosed with dementia, I have begun to realize that her mother was probably pretty peaceful with just sitting on the porch. You see, I don't seem to get bored anymore... No, more often than not, I lose interest in things pretty quickly. Just sitting to her mother--and to me--does not cause the same reaction that it might cause in someone normal.
I suppose I should have realized something was amiss when I didn't really care how the house looked--though I could see surprise in the eyes of others, it didn't matter. That they may think I am being lazy didn't matter--it didn't even register with me.
I can't believe how fast the day goes by while my husband is at work. I putter: do a load of laundry, drift from room to room starting first one thing then another. Most days, I don't pick up a book or magazine though I used to be an avid reader and taught school for over 34 years. I have attempted to learn to knit and crochet and would like to get in more practice, but it doesn't seem to "call" me enough to stay with it. I can watch some TV, but just as easily sleep through the talk shows (or better yet, QVC). Some days, ARicept seems to work better than others. Some days, I am exhausted from lack of sleep.
I hate not being passionate about life like I used to be. I don't know whether it is the medication I'm on or the dementia, or a combination of both. I hate feeling irritated with my husband who, try as he might, just cannot win for losing. We used to have great discussions...now, if he talks too long, I get distracted... If he gives directions with not enough details, I don't understand. If he gives them with lots of detail, I get irritated OR distracted OR (poor him) both! I don't like being like this. It is not me! The real me feels locked up deep inside. The real me wants desperately to come out to play, to live life, to feel REAL again.