Coming Out of Resignation
I have been very slack about writing my blog concerning life with dementia these past months. I think I’ve been in a funk. Please allow me to work through my thought processes to find the reason behind my lack of writing. Was it that I was in a funk? Had I resigned myself to having dementia and just didn’t want to think about it? Was I depressed… Let’s work through it together…
My first thought is that I have spent the past months resigned to having dementia, instead of fighting it as I had before. Upon re-reading my past blogs, I can see I had a fire within me, a fire, a desire to NOT become resigned to having to dementia, but to fighting it. Perhaps, the fight got to be too much for me.
More than likely, though, LIFE got to be too much for me. During the months of October through December, I had to oversee our huge 40th family reunion, be chairman of the cookbook committee for the rescue squad, continue as secretary for the rescue squad auxiliary, collect money at the monthly Bingo’s, arrange the Siblings Christmas weekend and dinner (at a restaurant, thank goodness) and decorate for Christmas…plus help my husband with building the back porch AND write a community newsletter. Now THAT is a lot even for a normal person! Granted it did evolve over a three to four month period…but it wore me out. I had to use every little ounce of brain cells I had. So, maybe I wasn’t resigned to having dementia after all…maybe I was overloaded!
I don’t ever want to be resigned to having dementia because, when that happens, I will be beyond fighting it. That brings me to Ed, an elderly neighbor who has a form of dementia, either old age senility or Alzheimer’s. He has yet to be diagnosed. He is beyond the “fighting it” stage. His irrationality, unreasonableness, constant repeating of stories and actions shows that he is incapable of fighting the disorder. He and his family neglected to act quickly to get him the needed medicinal help. I, on the other hand, have a different form of dementia; mine is vascular in nature. I have the “luxury” of time. As long as I have no more vascular events (strokes, mini-strokes), I can function pretty well, even with the severe short-term memory loss.
Therefore, continuing my line of thought concerning the reason behind my lack of blogs…I think I need to stop trying to act so normal…I am NOT the prior LEAH…I am the present LEAH with short-term memory loss. I must be more selective about the activities I do. It’s admirable to want to help, so I should resign (there’s that word again!) myself to doing just that---HELP, not LEAD. I need to resign from the secretarial duties with the auxiliary and the community and let others who are more capable of doing it. I need to hand over the family reunions to younger members of the family. This will afford me the opportunity to work more on improving my memory and to write my blogs without so much duress.
Thank you for walking through my thought process with me. It certainly has helped to “talk” it out with you! I look forward to any comments you may have about what I have written!