Confusion Is Confusing
Miquel de Cervantes once wrote: He who loses wealth loses much; he who loses a friend loses more; but he who loses his courage loses all.
I love that quote; it symbolizes one of my own feelings about life. I live with that thought each day as I deal with my moderate to severe short term memory loss. I make the conscious decision to fight my condition, to not let it get the best of me.
Courage to fight does not come without a cost, though. It is exhausting. Confusion is a big enemy. Confusion, according to Webster’s New World College Dictionary, is a state of disorder, bewilderment, distraction, embarrassment, and failure to distinguish between things. Synonyms are listed as disorder, disarray, chaos, jumble, and muddle. These definitions and synonyms are a really accurate description of my life.
I am in a state of confusion at this very moment. I have LOST the rest of my already written blog…somehow, my finger must have hit some unknown key and BAM—it all disappeared. I have no idea WHAT key I hit OR how to recover it! I’ve turned to HELP on my menu…but I can’t find a solution. I have the courage to give up and keep getting on, though…
My head is full of questions throughout the day. I can’t seem to use the correct vacuums (when I realize I need to use one, I normally have just run across it…if that makes any sense). I bounce from one thing to the next, usually never completing any of the projects or activities. I totally screw up when I need to follow the recipes or directions for new items I try to prepare for dinner. I have no name recall and often do not remember faces, which is a BAD thing since I am secretary for our community association. I talk with people face-to-face, on the phone, and through email…get to know them well…only to not recognize them the next time I see them. THAT is embarrassing! I feel STUPID! But I have courage to go on, to keep getting on. I try to remember to explain my situation…and then, again, I may OVER-explain, repeating myself…this I suspect, but don’t know for a fact… My mind is in a muddle…
With my courage holding me ever steady (most of the time), I am developing ways to cope:
- I take copious notes and try NOT to lose them.
- I am putting up a combination dry erase and tack board for messages to myself.
- I have a sign on my cabinet: HAVE YOU TAKEN YOUR SHOTS?
- I put my insulin pens out on the cabinet as I make dinner.
- We have a “cleaning cabinet” where all the cleaning supplies, broom, mop, vacuums are kept. I can remember where it is and what it kept there!
- I try to keep track of what I do and who I call each day on a calendar in Outlook. I color code my doctor appointments in red to make them stand out.
- I assemble all my ingredients before cooking, as well as any bowls, spoons and measuring utensils. I reread again and again the steps to be taken.
I’m sure there are things I’ve forgotten to list and many more things I haven’t even thought of… but that’s just part of who I am now…as I live in this ever confusing world of confusion! I sum up my courage and get on and keep on getting on!