When You Don't Have the Option of Living in the Past...

Because I have dementia, I have done much research on it. I tend to forget that others do not carry the same knowledge about it. I forget that others may have been touched by dementia and Alzheimer's and may have a different picture in their minds than I have. I forget that I look so normal and have such a debilitating condition. I forget that I forget.

Each day is new for me. Yesterday almost does not exist most of the time. I do try to remember what I did the day before...and sometimes I am successful in remembering. More often than not, I have to look at a calendar. My sister or dad will call and ask what I've been doing - and I can't remember. That grows old for me. What is it like not to remember?

It's like something has been stolen from me. I miss not knowing. All I have is a big void...a nothing...it's like trying to grasp the air. You reach for it and end up empty handed.

Not remembering, I suppose, can be a good thing. I don't remember the bad stuff. I don't hold grudges. On the other hand, it is horrible. I forget to take medication. I forget to eat. I forget to do what I start out to do. I forget how to get to places I am not very familiar with. And once, I forgot how to make the car GO...I hadn't driven for five days. I remembered to put the key in, shift the gear...and then couldn't understand why the car wouldn't move. I used my granddaughter's advice (to think about it) and after much thinking, remembered that I had to do something else before the car would move...eventually, I remembered the gas pedal. (Since that experience, I have driven every day so I remember what to do.)

I choose not to dwell on my limitations. I try to learn from them, instead. I choose to live each day to its fullest to my best ability. I am learning to accept the reactions of others. I am striving to teach others about dementia. I am determined to give dementia a better connotation, to encourage those with it to live the best life they can. My expectations, as usual, are high, and I expect to achieve all that I have set out to do.