Leah,

I had been meaning to write to you earlier.  I have been sidetracked by the "hustle and bustle" of work, family and friends.  My last message to you was back on 2/6/08 after your "My life is half full" blog.  I am sorry to tell you that my 91 year old grandmother who had dementia passed away on February 15.  Luckily she died rather peacefully.  My parents...thinking they would be spare me the drama...decided not to tell me that she was transferred to hospice care two days prior.  At that time they thought she would live another month.  She took a drastic turn for the worse on Friday and luckily my sister (who still lives close to them and knew about everything that was happening) called my work number at about 11:40 to tell me that grandmom would probably not make it past the day.  While speaking to her I broke down unable to believe the news.  I told her I would leave for Delaware immediately...she then said that her call waiting was beeping and took the call...after taking the call she returned to our conversation and said "Bill...that was dad...Grandmom just passed away." 

It is unbelieveable how quickly one's world can change by news like this.  I went to Delaware and spent the weekend with my family.  I learned my mom had not slept the prior two days worried about my grandmothers downturn.  I felt like I was cheated of the opportunity to share in her time of grief.  The next two days she was basically expressionless.  We went to my grandmothers nursing home and emptied out her closet and dresser drawers...I was carefully folding everything but mom was just throwing all of her clothes in a glad bag impatiently for goodwill.  She said that she was glad this would be her last time to have to go to the nursing home.  We later went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements...I agreed to write the obituary for her.  Luckily my grandparents had decided about 10 years prior to prepay for the funeral while they were still living comfortably.  My grandmothers nursing care expenses had essentially eaten through her entire savings.

I told my parents after all of this that they need to give me more credit.  Sure I am 110 miles away and have a family and career of my own.  That does not mean that they should "protect" me by not telling me when someone dear to them...to me...is suffering.  I sometimes think that they are resentful that I left Delaware after graduating from college.  I told them that I want to be there for them.  They tell me all about the wonderful things they can do now that they both retired last year.  But I also want them to be able to tell me about things that are affecting them. 

I now only have one grandparent left...my dad's mother who is one of the greatest people I know (and will ever know).  She has always been there for me and has always believed that I could be successful in anything I applied myself to.  For years she was the only family member who would freely tell me she loved me (besides my parents signing it on a birthday or Christmas card).  I would sit with her for hours talking about her childhood, geneology...going through her old "treasures" in the basement and reading old letters and looking at photographs of family.  I am afraid that I have not told her just how important she has been to me in my life.  I still depend on her and value her opinions and all she has done to help make me who I am.  She is still sharp as a tack and has a great sense of humor. 

Her one major problem is that she now nearly blind from the ravages of Macular Degeneration.  She still lives at home but cannot drive and needs help writing checks and bills and buying goods at the store.  I think the one obstacle that both you and she have are that macular degeneration and dementia are both conditions which cannot be "seen" on the surface.  On the outside you look fine even though you may feel that your ability to preceive the world as you once knew it has changed.  In this sense you are a bit like a chameleon - able to blend into the crowd but at the same time maybe upset that your condition is not more obvious to those that you may want to receive support or understanding from.   

I see you being the same strong positive force to your grandaughter that my grandmom has been to me.  I am sure you are more important to her than even you may ever realize.  For her to be able to trust and confide in someone like yourself is wonderful.  We all have weaknesses that others can help us to overcome or at least try and understand and learn from.  I am absolutely sure your grandaughter with help and love will be able to again be happy and healthy!  Your "investment" in her - which sounds very similar to what my grandmom provided to me -is priceless, cannot be quantified and will never be forgotten.  Unconditional love is a rare and beautiful gift of one's self.  I'm trying to be that kind of person to those who are closest to me.  I hope you are doing well and I wish you all of the best!

- Bill  

Leah, Health Guide

5/20/08 10:26am

Hi, Bill.  I'm sorry for the anguish you have been experiencing.  I can relate some to your parents, as I try to "save" my daughter and all around me from the anxiety and grief I feel at times.  I suppose as parents, we are always trying to protect our "young" even when they've grown up.  And, yes, there may be some difficulty with your having moved away.  It has been very difficult for me to have my daughter and granddaughter move almost three hours away.  I know, though, that it was necessary and am so very proud of my daughter's independence.  Looking at it, I guess I didn't do such a bad job with raising her.

I am visiting them now, trying to give support and guidance.  We are all working with my granddaughter's eating issues.  I must say that the bond between my granddaughter and me is strong.  She sat in the floor, next to my bed, last night and talked and talked--which she doesn't do with other people.  She and I are like soul mates...I hope never to forget the joy she brings me.  I am trying to give her all the love and good moments I can WHILE I can...

I hope you will be patient with your parents.  They are only human and have all the typical faults that that incurs.  Just keep communication open.  Tell them you love them frequently...even if your family may never have been that open.  I found with my own family that once I began saying it out loud, that the same type of words began to flow forth from their lips...Now we are not "ashamed" of saying "I love you.  I care about you."  Life is too short.  Actions are important...but so is hearing the words.

I'm so glad you wrote.  Hope to hear from you soon.  And remember to enjoy your parents and grandmother for as long as you are able...

Leah