I had a wonderful birthday. And now, life is back to normal. This blog will be unusually short as it deals with something I have put off talking about-a feeling of fear which permeates the deepest recesses of my being whenever I have to deal with learning something new, am doing ...
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Untitled Comment
Sue
Thursday, July 10, 2008 at 02:44 PMre: Untitled Comment
Leah
Thursday, July 10, 2008 at 04:57 PMHi, Sue. It's pretty freeing to be able to admit my fear. I just wish it would go away and I wouldn't have to deal with it. I am planning my lessons a little at a time. I focus hard with it for a short time, then go on to something else. I had thought about trying to substitute teach half days next school year, but I have decided to use my talents at senior centers, instead... (LOL), the students should be a little more cooperative! It is wonderful to have a direction and goals. They get me through the rough days of worrying about my granddaughter who is now an anorexic with bulimia and my 7 year old nephew with brain cancer... My goals and direction help guide me onto a more positive direction...and, of course, my prayer life and close relationship with God nurtures me more than anything. I appreciated your support!
Leah
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fear/frustration
ninamarczynski
Thursday, July 10, 2008 at 04:48 PMHi Leah,
I am sorry you have a hard time trying to do your work. It is indeed frustating... I cannot say from my own experience although now I also fear losing my memory if I forgot something with a normal mind.
My father-in-law with advanced Alzheimer's indeed went through lots of frustration like you did. I really cannot say for him during his earlier time 2 years ago, but I can tell at times he is quite frustrated. The different thing here is that he has already lost his ability to read precisely. But he can still browse through National Geography and some stuff with short attention. He cannot focus on reading too long. I have not seen him lately but I saw him in April. He has kept asking if he can work and etc. He used to want to continue his research paper even last Oct. He admitted that he needs help so unrealistically he wanted my husband as a scientiest to help him out. But they are not in the same field so nothing my hubby can do. My FIL just kept going on like this - repeated the same thing again and again. Unfortunately he has been declining, so it is just his struggle for something that will not be done. It is indeed hard to watch but I have to admire his struggle. It is like he does not want to give up. Some people probably give up and accept it...
Leah, it is great that you are fighting to do what you need to do. I hope you will find peace while you struggle. I can only say that sometime we have to accept some facts in our life, but it is me. Fighting or struggling is good - it keeps your life interesting and vital. Take care of yourself!
Best,
Nina
replyre: fear/frustration
Leah
Thursday, July 10, 2008 at 05:04 PMHi, Nina!
I can only imagine the anguish you must feel at the deterioration of your FIL. A brilliant scientist reduced to a man no longer able to function as fully as before is heartbreaking to see. I'm sure he gets frustrated...I don't look forward to that day. I'm hoping I have many years before getting to that point. In the meantime, I struggle to get through the days with some accomplishment. I HATE not being productive! Luckily, I have a most wonderfully understanding husband who doesn't see me as I see myself. Some days I feel like I'm a complete failure for not getting something fully done. My husband encourages me to rest when I feel that I should be finishing tasks, pushing myself to distraction. He accepts the good with the bad, which helps make this whole dementia experience more tolerable to me.
Thank you for your response. I enjoy hearing from you!
Leah
replyre: re: fear/frustration
ninamarczynski
Thursday, July 10, 2008 at 05:38 PMLeah, I am sure you have a long way to go before it gets worse. For now, take one thing at a time. Take a walk and come back to work. Break it up into many tasks. Just have to do it differently... I am sure you can accomplish! Your posts are excellent and I cannot tell you have dementia!! Keep going!
Nina
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Hi there Leah. Congrats for stepping out and saying you are afraid. You r are brave and strong and I know you will succeed in this latest endeavor. I think our readers really need to hear more from folks like you. I suspect many have the same kind of feelings about doing new things and taking on projects. I hope they reachout here and post so we can learn from them as we do from you.
Try to pace your self and not get too overwhelmed. There are some great techniques for relaxation being talked about on the sleep disorders site by an expoert Beth Irvine. You may want to see what she is saying about breathing, yoga and lots of others things.
As well, you may want to read from the anxiety site on stress.
Hope this helps and all the best, sue
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