MIl with ad and me with ms

Hi,

Since you have MS, you may want to talk to your husband about your situation. Can he help you to take care of his Mom? You can also get part-time caregivers to help you in the home. Do you live wth her also? You would need to plan for a long-term care for your MIL. It is his Mom. So don't you beat yourself up for it. If you cannot, let him know. Does he have other sisters or brothers? If they put all stuff on you, it is not fair. Even though you are a woman and it could be easier to care for your MIL as a woman, it is still his Mom. He should take up more responsibility.

I also need to help my FIL for his finances and the stuff in his house. But we have professional caregivers so it helps a lot. I can focus on the stuff that I do to help him. There are too many things to deal wth in this case.

You cannot make your MIL do things the normal way because she has AD. If you are talking about organization of her stuff, you cannot really expect it to be as neat as before. She probably  lost the ability to sort it out. Unfortunately, you can sort them out but she cannot help. Maybe you can organize it into a simple way so it is easier for all.

My FIL once didn't want anyone to organize his mess around him. But the caregivers were able to tell him it is dangerous (one could fall or catch fire) if it is not organized and etc. His bathroom was in a mess in 2006 as he told the caregiver not to bother.

What we did was clean it behind his back while he was watching TV downstairs. Later on he forgot all about the mess upstairs. Thus he could live in a better and cleaner way. You probably have to clean it or organize while she does not know. She will forget about it later anyway.

You cannot expect her to organize her stuff. In fact, she will get worse in her activities of daily life. So you would need all the help you can get.

Good luck,

Nina

If you are talking about putting on her clothes and shirts and all that, you may want to organize it in such way that she can put it on one by one in order. Or you need to gently tell her that you will put it on. She can only put it on right if you order it so. She probably lost the ability to put it on properly.
My FIL can no longer put on his shoes without help. He also needs people to put his clothes in display so he knows what to get. He still put the shirts inside out unless the caregiver put it on for him. He can put on his pants as it is straightforward if one just puts it there next to his bed. Only if it is very simple, then he can put it on.

If you MIL  cannot understand how to put on her clothes, naturally she will refuse to put on anything because it is too hard for her to do so.

Regards,
Nina

It sounds like you are really having a difficult time with your mother-in-law.  I have vascular dementia myself; thankfully it is not to the stage of our MIL.  Some suggestions from my point of view:

1.  Talk with her doctor.  She may need her meds "tweaked" or changed.  Ask him/her what help is available.

2.  Call Social Services in your area.  Our county has loads of help available for the elderly, disabled, and ill.

3.  Is there a senior center in your area?  Do they have adult day care?  That may give your MIL some incentive to dress better and with less effort from you.

4.  This is for YOU:  Set aside one day a week (at least) where you can have someone sit with your MIL and then YOU go out.  Shop.  Get a manicure or your hair done.  Meet a friend for lunch.  Go to a movie.  Do something JUST FOR YOU!  You need to re-energize after caring for your MIL.

Hope these suggestions help!

Leah

Hi,

It sounds like your husband does not understand your problem if he still wants to bring his Dad up to your place? Does he realize if you get sick because of the caregiving for his Mom, he won't get any help? It does not help if the caregiver gets too tired or sick.

You need to resolve this problem with him about your MIL first, or you guys will have more problems with the parents who may need more help than you will know.

In the future they will get worse for their AD or dementia. I don't know who is your b/f, but you need to tell them you have MS and that you need your own quality time. Just because you are a woman, it does not mean that you have to do all the work.

Some guys are able to take care of their own Mom as well.

Take care,

Nina