Saturday, September 22, 2007
My mother-in-law has vascular dementia; she lives alone in her own home with upstairs and basement. She has 2 sons who cannot deal well with her care. My husband has had her POA ever since her husband passed away 10 years ago. He recently has filed for guardianship/conservatorship, but has not used his POA to take over her finances or take the steps necessary to get her to stop driving as the physicians have recommended. Her other son lives an hour away but doesn't come to help. She is on 11 (eleven) meds; we have to take them to her daily. She's been through a "senior assessment" but doesn't grasp or accept the diagnosis, and will not turn over care to us. In ten days we plan to move her to an assisted living facility for 3 weeks while we go away (out of the country) yet my husband still hasn't taken any steps to facilitate this, either with the facility or with her. She doesn't know anything about this yet. We intend to "place" her there in her own apartment when we return from the trip. My husband refuses to speak with me about the "elephant in the room" and gets angry with me if I bring up the subject. This "game" has been going on for several months. I frankly question if he should really be her guardian, as he seems not to be able to make the hard decisions. I volunteer 3 afternoons a week at an adult day care center and have learned a lot in past couple years about dementia which helps me direct my husband in steps to take, yet I'm very frustrated at his unwillingness to discuss the situation or take steps more quickly. I will appreciate any suggestions others can give me with this situation.
Hi, Ensquare,
You're in a tough situation. First of all, you're having to deal with the family dynamics within your husband's family. I know that in my own case, it was very difficult to finally step in because I was "overthrowing" the power structure in our family where my mother also had been the dominant person. My brother and I made several attempts earlier, but hadn't mustered the emotional fortitude to not only face her, but also face ourselves and the reality of what was happening (and what needed to happen). It wasn't until there was a crisis that I was able to put my foot down and take control.
You also have the additional challenge of having to deal with the power dynamics in your own marriage. I've learned that sometimes, we don't want to listen to the people who are closest to us, even if they have good and valid advice; instead, we think we need to hear from "the experts" on what we should do in these situations.
What I'd suggest is purchasing the book, "The 36-Hour Day" by Nancy Mace and Peter Rabins for both your husband and your husband's brother. A friend recommended this book to me right as I stepped into the caregiving role and I ended up purchasing a copy for my father, because I found it so helpful. I think this book could serve as a helpful "coach" for your husband concerning your mother-in-law.The book is very readable and provides very good advice for people who are in all the caretaking stages of dementia. One chapter is entitled, "Problems in Independent Living" (including finances and driving), which would be very relevant for your husband to read.
Good luck! And keep us posted on what happens!
Dorian