Ashamed of my feelings

Hi, Bonnie -

 

My mother had similar responses in relation to money and possessions as she progressed into Alzheimer's disease. Mom angrily accused my father of taking all the money that they had earned in their business, stating that she had been the one responsible for all the hard work that earned it. She became fixated on that money and would repeatedly make statements about Dad "stealing" from her. She also started talking about divorce and said when that happened, she wanted to make sure she got all of the money because it was hers. Mom also accused a cleaning lady of stealing her breathing medications.

 

I realized finally that Mom's accusations were caused by a disease, and her responses were not those of the person I had known for over 40 years. The doctor who diagnosed Mom with Alzheimer's also said she had schizophrenia. The doctor prescribed several medicines in order to deal with both issues.

 

Based on this experience, I'd suggest that you encourage your sister to talk to your mom's doctor to see if there are any other medical issues that are causing these reactions. And please realize that much of what your mom is saying is caused by a disease and not by what she truly believes in her heart.

 

Hang in there!

 

Dorian

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I TRULY DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS,BECAUSE WHEN YOU WERE A SMALL CHILD AND COULDN'T TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF YOUR MOTHER DID.AS FOR HER RAGES... HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU THINK THAT SHE PUT UP WITH YOUR ATTITUDES AS YOU WERE GROWING UP. MY MOTHER ALSO HAS ALZHEIMERS AND REQUIRES ALOT OF ATTENTION BUT I REMEMBER WHEN SHE WAS SUCH A VIBRANT AND IN CONTROL PERSON. I HAVE THE UTMOST RESPECT AND LOVE FOR MY MOTHER SHE WAS AND STILL IS A REMARKABLE WOMAN EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS ALZHEIMERS AND SHE KNOWS THAT SOMEDAY SHE WILL NOT REMEMBER HER CHILDREN OR HER GRAND CHILDREN OR HER GREAT GRANCHILDREN, THAT TRULY IS A HORRIBLE THING AND IT BREAKS MY HEART TO KNOW THAT SHE IS TRULY TERRIFIED AND AFRAID AND I WILL DO WHAT EVER IT TAKES TO MAKE SURE THAT SHE KNOWS THAT SHE IS LOVED EACH AND EVERY DAY. YOU REALLY NEED TO THINK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS LONG AND HARD BECAUSE SOMEDAY YOUR MOTHER WILL BE GONE AND IT WILL BE TOO LATE!!
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I understand completely what you are saying.  My mother, too, was always self-centered, and that has not changed as she descends into dementia.  She accuses me of stealing.  She told my brother I had a "mean streak."  Even though this is probably Alzheimer's-related, it is hard to be compassionate to a person who never had much (any) compassion for me.  However, I just do the best I can for her.  I take care of her money and take her to medical visits.  Now I am arranging her move to assisted living.  If I can't muster up a lot of positive feelings for her at the same time, well, I am doing the best I can.  Hang in there. 
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Please, please understand your feelings are just feelings and are totally normal and understandable. You are very wise in at least trying to remember the good times, few as they seem to be. That's smart and kind. But that doesn't erase what is happening now.

I hope you and your sister can talk about it openly and I hope you have some good friends who will listen. The best listeners for these things are people who have been in situations like yours - more than you would believe. So, please keep in touch with caregivers and get support. Breaking the isolation and knowing others have feelings like yours can help you drop the guilt and appreciate the kind and generous person you are.

Take care of yourself, too.

Carol

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My cousin was taking care of her Mom who didn't have Alzheimers but she was deaf and hard to live with and had to put her in a home. 

 

When my cousin went to her Priest, she told him that she "hated her mother".  The priest said that he didn't think she hated her Mom but my cousin told the Priest that she really did hate her mother.

 

I know that her Mom was very hard to live with and very demanding and even though she still cared for her mother, she couldn't help the feelings that she hated her Mom because her mother caused my cousin such heartache.

 

I know that your feelings for your Mom are very understandable.  You can't help but feel resentment towards someone who just complains all the time and doesn't think of anyone but herself.  That is a hard thing for a person to live with especially when she is being so unfair about your sister. 

 

It is such a hard thing to live with and don't feel ashamed.  You still love your Mom, but I think because of the Alzheimer's, it has made her worse than she was.

 

I know how hard it is because my Dad is 91 and we just had to put him in a home because he needed 24 hour care.  My Mom and my sister took care of him until they were so exhausted that they couldn't even think straight.  He has lost the ability to even dial the home phone number which he has known for 44 years.  I watched him try to dial the phone number and went home and cried because my Dad is leaving us but is still here.  If you know what I mean.

 

Please don't be so hard on yourself.  I know that these feelings are very normal and just allow yourself to go and see her and tell her you love her and try and just keep on going with your own life.  Don't give in to her delusions.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

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I'd like to thank all of you who've encouraged me about my feelings for my mother.  Recently, I've been trying to let things "roll off me" and it hasn't been so bad.

On Friday, I took her to the doctor for her B12 shot she gets once a month, then we went to a fast food place and got lunch, and went to a park where there is a little stream and ate in the car.  I encouraged her to talk about her past.  She then talked about things I've heard hundreds of times but we laughed and I pretended it was the first time I'd heard them. 

Saturday, we went for a ride and stopped for a drink and rode and talked some more.

I'm really trying.  Thanks for the encouragement everyone.

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Hi Bonnie   I am a retired nurse who ran an Alz. Unit.  I may beable to give you some helpful advice.  You will have to tell a little lie to your mother.  We are taught not to lie but this is one case where you should.  If your mother acusses someone of something do not argue with her.  Tell her you will see what you can find out about it.  If you try to tell your mother this is not true she will only become aggitated and you both will be upset.  Most of the time they will forget what they had said.
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DO NOT FEEL ASHAMED OF WHAT YOU ARE FEELING!  CHANCES ARE IT IS WELL EARNED AND HAS BEEN BUILDING UP FOR MANY YEARS.  MY MOTHER ALWAYS SAID DEGRADING THINGS TO ME.  LIKE I AM UGLY. I AM NOT UGLY. ALWAYS TRIED TO MAKE ME FEEL OLD, ALWAYS TRIED TO CHIP AWAY AT ANY PLEASURE I COULD GET FROM LIFE. I EXERCISE, AND SHE PUTS THAT DOWN AS WELL.  SHE IS VAIN AND SELFISH.  ANYWAY THESE FEELINGS DATE BACK TO CHILDHOOD AND I JUST TURNED 50.  I DO NOT LIKE HER AND I USUALLY DREAD MOTHERS DAY BECAUSE IT'S A DAY THAT'S PUT UPON ME. IN MY ENTIRE LIFE NO ONE HAS SAID SUCH DEGRADING THINGS TO ME AS MY MOTHER. 

 

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND YOUR MOTHER IS ONLY A WOMAN.  YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO LIKE EACH OTHER, ESPECIALLY IF THERE IS BAD HISTORY BETWEEN YOU TWO.

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Hello

As I see how alzheimers affects my father, I try keep him as happy as possible and most of the time it helps me cope.  Smiles and laughter can fix almost anything. I try to help him by bringing up funny stories from the past or doing things that he can still easily recognize.  Favorite movies, places and even hobbies or past jobs can be rewarding.  My father was a plumber for 30 plus years and hated it for at least half of that time.  Now I try to find small side jobs that I can take him with me just so we can spend time doing something together that he can still help me with.  Oddly enough, he seems to like it. 

 

In most cases the family unit knows their loved ones the best.  Trying to create positive enviroments and good times together helps everybody that is touched by alzheimers.  Listen and cherish those stories that you hear over and over again and then later on you can tell them back to him/her when they are confused.

 

I also agree with the nurse and think that in this case it is okay to tell a little lie to smooth things over.  It is much better to appease one that will most likely forget than to excite them negatively.     

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Hi, Bonnie --- I think that learning to deal with Alzheimer's is learning to deal with guilt. I try very hard not to let my own guilt get the best of me, which is not always easy, but the reality of the situation is that 90% of the time I am doing a remarkable job in caring for my husband. But that other 10% -- those times when my frustration at his outbursts or repetitions or sticking to me like glue gets the best of me, I feel like screaming and sometimes I do, thus the guilt. I've just decided that I really am doing the best I can under the circumstances --- I love this guy, but he is most definitely not the man I married, and a times, all I want to do is get aways from him. There are so many conflicting emotions running around in my brain -- all perfectly normal, I'm sure, so I'm just trying to let them go, hard as that is for me. Good luck to you -- and by all means, get that open conversation going with your sister. I recommend trying to laugh at the craziest things your mom does --- it's the only way to stay sane!! Take care, Teri
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My dear friends,

As I've said before (and I could say 100 times) all your comments have made me feel like a "nice person" again...lol. I'm finally getting to know my mom as this new person, and not the person she always was. You know, sometimes I like this one better? Things are at an "in between stage" right now....not great, but not terrible either.

Again, thanks.

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Hi, Bonnie.  Your issues with your mom are your own issues and obviously predate your mother's Alzheimer's Disease.  You need to deal with these very old emotional injuries, and the sooner, the better!  You would have the exact same kernel pain whether your mother had A.D. or whether her health made George Burns look sickly by comparison! (George kept saying he'd live to be 100 and darned if he didn't make it AND keep his entire brain with him the entire trip.)  You need to find a way to forgive.  (The Lord did this for me this summer.  I still remember but the extremes of grief and anger have been lifted away.)
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