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Today my mother shared a cup of tea with me after my day of work and having greeted my little 10 mth old daughter that she minds for me, we got down to the 'visit' that she had received from the local nurse. She confirmed that my father's recent hospital scan displayed the signs of the onset ofdementia. I'm pretty new to the world of dementia and alzheimer's so please excuse my ignorance. My father has shown signs for a few years but silly us put it down to anything else but Alzheimer's. He's only 58 and for all intensive purposes was as normal and alert as I can call myself.
He was always a street angel and home devil. A drinker, a married man living the single life. Not a provider, wanted a house kept for him but never there for anyone but himself. I feel quite guilty writing this about him but I've three brothers all grown up that are representations of the effects of not having a guiding supportive security that a father's influence may have had. I've always loved him dispite his many faults but who is left to pick up the pieces of his stolen life..... a wife that has always supported him even though he robbed her of any slice of a happy existence.
My mother keeps the whole show on the road, always there for everyone and always having had to be there for everyone.
My father can easily be named as the thorn in my mother's side and indeed the family's side, he's caused such damage over the years and I do say that with a heavy heart. You only have one set of parents and I would do anything for the both of them with all my heart I would. Where do we go now as a family I don't know. My brothers always put up with my father for my mother's sake but he burnt his bridges with them years ago. ( these are events that he no longer remembers !)
My mother is the one who is faced with caring for him now and where is fairness in life?? For both my mother and my father they have been dealt with many crosses in life, and low and behold here is one more.
So after a rant here I can see that I need to pull out of it and be there for my mother and father. It's easy to say why him, why us why any of you ..... WHY !
Take care all of you who have posted on this web site, I'm new to it and find such information and insight into all the I see. I also see so much bravery and commend it.
Catherine,
My name is MK and I am the producer for this site. Thank you so much for writing, and for joining our community!
Your post offers so much insight into the inner turmoils of caregivers, and children of caregivers (often times they are the ones caring for the caregivers!). I especially appreciate your willingness to share your honest thoughts about your feelings for your father and what he is going through. Carol Bradley Bursack, one of our Expert Caregivers on this site, recently wrote a blog titled Caring for Parents Who Weren't So Caring. You might want to give it a read, or give it to your mother to read! It dispels the myth that everyone has the best relationships with their families...
Thanks again for writing, and take care.
MK
Hello Mk,
Thanks for your advise I really appreciated the feedback. My mother is only getting to grips with my father's diagnosis and as of yet is finding it hard to ask for any kind of help. She's a very independent woman and has always rowed her own boat. I can already see how my father is draining her energy levels, constantly asking now for the use of his car, he's really so housebound these days. My mother bless her is a patient woman and although she has endured quite alot from my father she's put it in the past and is so compassionate towards his plight.
I call to see my parents daily as I'm only 3 miles from them thank God. I take my father now for a drive and we walk through town and have a chat. He is surprised when folk call him by his name, ( and he was a popular figure locally known far and wide being a taxi driver). He would chat to anyone smiles happily as he wanders along and calls out each number plate of the parked cars we pass. I just can't believe how much he has changed so quickly, I say quickly but really I saw a change in him now over 10 years ago but could never get him to go to a doctor......
Many thanks Mk shall keep logging into this terrific site.
Regards for now
Catherine