Tension--and Necessary Pull

I was riding my bike this morning and needed to go down to a lower gear in order to climb a hill. Only my bike wouldn't oblige. I made it (almost), and then had to walk the last twenty feet, bike in hand, sweat trickling down my brow. I got back on and zoomed down the hill, only everything felt uneven. Not enough tension, that was my problem. My foot pedals just spun when they should pull.

I thought of the vignette in my book, MOTHERING MOTHER titled, "Quite a Pair." I never thought I would say those words--that mother and I were in a way, meant for each other. She was my lower gear. She gave me that necessary tension or pull needed to climb life's hills.

Caregiving my mother was about as easy as french kissing a copperhead--watch out for the fangs. She was fussy, controlling, manipulating, and unpredictable. To be fair, she was also funny, and sometimes a childlike sweetness would emerge. Followed by....well, you just never knew.

But I needed her. I needed that grist to rub against. I needed to disagree with her so that I could figure out and voice what it was I did agree or believe in. I needed to be forced to step up and make the decisions and dare anyone to undermine me.

Alzheimer's brings some unlikely gifts in tow. I say gifts because for me, I had to glean some goodness out of the madness. Alzheimer's got "mother" out of the way. At some point I got it--I got that I couldn't obey her, step-aside, give up or give in. I had to dig in and stand up. Not that I did it all "right." I did it. And that's what counts.

Sometimes life doesn't offer us all the gear we need. Our muscles will shake, our hands will grip hard and we might have to walk or crawl into the finish line. Life and relationships need a little tension. Tension to pull us along. Tension to help us figure out who we are.

~Carol O'Dell, Author of MOTHERING MOTHER, availabe on Amazon.